Now Hiring: Graveyard Bartender
Job Ref: Graveyard Bartender
Dear Bully,
I'm applying for the graveyard bartender position at your sports bar & grill in Sparks, Nevada. I'm not going to second guess your decision to put a sports bar in a damned graveyard, but if you're hiring, it must mean business is booming. I guess nothing would take the edge off of losing a loved one quite like a Miller High Life, some Seger on the jukebox, and a few games of Keno to pass the time.
Now, be honest, how much of the clientele is undead? If you're open all night, it can't just be the grieving. There's ghosts too, right? It’s cool if there are. Dead people have to cut loose too every now and then I suppose. All I want is a heads up, so I can prepare myself. I mean, chatting up a funeral director or some gravedigger is going to be awkward enough, but what do I talk about with a dude that's spent the past half century in the ground? "How ‘bout that Dimaggio hitting streak, eh?"
When they drink, does the beer just spill through them onto the floor? Do I clean that up or is there a janitorial staff? What about if the song Thriller comes on the radio? Do I leave it on? Is it offensive? Will they do the dance? Is it the same for the Ghostbusters theme? If I die on the job, am I the bartender there forever?
Look, I'll just say it, this place SPOOKS ME OUT! If the job market were a little better, I wouldn't feel the need to work in some haunted sports bar, pouring pints for ghouls and goblins, but my wife says I need to get a job THIS WEEK or she won't let me use the Nissan anymore, so here I am. I'll be professional, reliable, and hardworking just so long as one of those vaporous sons of bitches keeps their slime off me. I get slimed, even once, I walk. And I better not show up to work one day to find out "there hasn't been a Bully's Sports Bar & Grill here for...FORTY YEARS!" My dad is a workman's comp attorney in Reno, so don't try it.
Sorry to lay down the law so hard in this cover letter, but I've seen the undead portrayed negatively in the media my whole life, and I just want to make sure we're square. I really am a great bartender ("Best Rum & Coke in Town" -Phoenix Weekly, 2006), and I look forward to hearing back from you soon.
Sincerely,
Jeff Wattenhofer
PS...Are there any day shifts available?