Ask: I’m always trash for first kisses. Like realizing they have feelings more intense then normal. Like maybe Ethan just got dumped and Gray is trying to comfort him?
————
Solitude can be good. Inherently. Escaping from the noise of responsibilities, of appearances and personalities, was good. It was good to step back from all of it, at least for a little.
Not right now, though. Not for Ethan.
Life had been going, well, shitty, for lack of a better term. It was one thing after the other, one shitty realization after the other. Maybe ‘shitty’ was a strong word. ‘Unpleasant’ maybe worked better. ‘Uncomfortable’. ‘Unbelievable’.
Ethan supposed it was his fault for letting this happen. He should’ve called more often and he should’ve made a greater effort to be a better partner. He should’ve done a lot of things a lot differently, he was the first to admit that. Did he think it would end with him being dumped? No. Did he think he would handle it better than he was? Absolutely.
Ethan wondered if he was always destined to fail in his relationships. Maybe this was all for a reason? Maybe he wasn’t supposed to have a person, or a love of his life? Maybe God truly thought he was that undeserving. Maybe him being alone and letting his thoughts circle around and around themselves wasn’t so good.
It was quickly remedied when Grayson sat next to him on his bed. Ethan still sat, hunched over with his face in his hands. He’d briefly announced his new relationship status to Grayson when he came home earlier, but had rushed to his room before he could explain. He didn’t really want to, anyway. It was too much to even sit here and think about, there was no way he could put all of it into eloquent words. Ethan doesn’t want to talk it out. He would rather die, he decides, than have to explain to Grayson what a horrible boyfriend he is. Dying actually sounds pretty nice compared to what’s happening now, the tense silence between seeming to grow bigger and louder the longer they endured it.
Grayson is the first to do something, one of his hands reaching to rest warmly between Ethan’s shoulder blades. Ethan doesn’t want to admit it, but it helps immensely. It’s wordless and barely anything, but it’s like Grayson said a thousand words. I’m here, you’re okay, it’ll be okay, you’re not as horrible as you think, just breathe. Ethan does, lets out a long sigh and lifts his head finally, looking straight ahead.
Ethan feels a disconnect, because he knows Grayson doesn’t quite understand what he’s feeling, but he tries anyway. That’s what Ethan loves so much about his brother, how willing he was to open himself up to him, for whatever it may be.
“You don’t have to say anything.” Grayson starts first and gently rubs at Ethan’s back with his thumb.
The gesture makes Ethan’s skin burn pleasantly in the shape of a hand.
“You don’t have to explain anything, either. I know you want to.” Grayson is almost cooing at him, it makes Ethan nervous. He doesn’t really understand why. “What do you need?”
The question catches Ethan off-guard. He doesn’t feel like he deserves the kindness Grayson so willingly gives up to him. He finally turns his head to look at Grayson, searching his face for any kind of judgement. Nothing. It was almost terrifying, how difficult it was to read him right now. “To not be alone.” He says simply. It comes out weaker than he wants it to.
Grayson nods. He’s so good with this kind of stuff, Ethan is jealous of his strength and wisdom on all these things, even though Grayson hadn’t necessarily gone through them. “You want a hug?” Grayson cracks a small smile, like he already knows the answer.
Ethan wishes he could be stubborn and resist, but he nods and watches as Grayson snakes his arms around his shoulders and squeezes him tight, interlocking his fingers together to keep Ethan in place. Grayson rests his chin on Ethan’s shoulder and lets out a sigh of his own. His touch is much needed, at least on Ethan’s part. Especially after feeling like he was completely unloveable. It calms the jitters of loneliness.
It’s quiet again for a long time. Ethan thinks maybe they could stay like this forever, but his mouth stays four steps ahead of his brain. “I’m terrible, Gray.” Ethan croaks out. “I deserve this.” Ethan says hopelessly. Grayson doesn’t believe it at all, always a sucker for second chances. “I deserve to be alone. I don’t know how to treat people right.” He rambled a bit, letting his head hang and rest in his hand again.
Grayson’s brows are furrowed in thought as he listens to Ethan. It hurts, having Ethan believe such bad things about himself. He wishes he knew how to prove to his brother that he’s not those things at all. “E, you’re in your head right now, and you don’t realize how ridiculous you sound.” Grayson’s voice is gentle, and understanding, still mindful of the state Ethan was in while delivering the truth. “And how untrue all those things are.”
Ethan winces as Grayson tries to convince him otherwise, lifts his head again and leans it against Grayson’s, his cheek pressed against his twin’s forehead. “I don’t believe you.”
“You should. Why do you think I’ve stuck around for so long?” Grayson whispers. Ethan can hear the smile in his voice and it makes something ignite inside of him.
Grayson pulls away a little and the arm crossed over Ethan’s chest slides back until his hand finds its new location, resting over his heart. It shouldn’t feel as intimate as it does, Ethan thinks fleetingly. “If that was true, then why would you have been born with a twin, huh? You don’t see that you’re the opposite of all those things? To me?” He murmurs and the hand on Ethan’s chest moves up to his neck, his thumb stroking his jawline tenderly.
Ethan is taken aback by Grayson’s unexpected insight. Ethan thinks he’s starting to understand why he’s so bad at this whole boyfriend thing. He focuses on how Grayson’s hand feels so big on him, swallows thickly and knows Grayson can feel his adam’s apple bob nervously. Grayson had a point. Ethan did treat him with a special kindness and love he reserved especially for him. It’s not like he did it on purpose. It was.. innate. Maybe that’s why it had taken him so long to put it in its own league. Because, it was normal.
Grayson’s smile seems to widen. There’s something in his gaze that Ethan can hardly process. What is it? His brain racks itself over and over for some reasonable explanation for it, only to come up again and again with a blank. Holy fuck. “You are... absolutely the opposite. I don’t think you realize how good you treat me.” Grayson speaks so languidly. Like this is rehearsed, or something. “I don’t think you deserve loneliness. I think you deserve the world. The stars and the moon, too. You deserve-“ Grayson cuts himself off and Ethan is utterly terrified.
Oh, God. No, no, no. No.
“You deserve more than I can give you.” At that, Grayson looks kind of sad, but that smile, that pretty, flawless, concrete smile, doesn’t change.
What can Ethan say? What can he do?
“I can try though, can’t I?”
It clicks.
Solitude can be good. Why would Ethan prefer it, though? Why would he ever prefer anything other than the feeling of Grayson’s lips against his own, fitting against Ethan’s like they were made for it?
Ethan’s eyes are closed, but he can feel as both of Grayson’s hands cup either side of his face. Grayson pulls away too fuckin’ soon. Ethan shows a sense of urgency when he wraps his fist around one of his brother’s wrists and Grayson responds by pressing his forehead against Ethan’s and smiling, again.
Why does it feel normal? Why does their intimacy, taken past boundaries they could never again redraw, feel like it makes sense?
“How long?” Ethan finally lets out meekly.
“Forever.”
It’s not what Ethan expects, but it’s what he needed. Suddenly, he’s instigating the affection, kissing Grayson hard and forcing the younger twin to open himself up to him. This time, in a way Ethan never knew he would crave. Ethan doesn’t pull away immediately, no, he licks into his mouth and is pulled even closer as Grayson’s arms loop around his neck.
Oh my God, Ethan thinks. How did I not see it?
“Do I have say it?” Grayson breathes after he pulls away, smiling like the absolute idiot he was.
“Yeah.” Ethan smiles slowly and it feels like the whole world fades away around them. “I want to remember what it sounds like, coming from you.”
Grayson kisses Ethan lightly before speaking again.
“I have come to the conclusion that this was the best decision I ever made.” I announced as Chanelle and I entered our place. We’ve been settled for a couple weeks now.
“But you do know if I hadn’t said anything about my work having positions opened, you wouldn’t be down here?”
I shot Chanelle a look with raised brows. “You think so?”
She actually thought about it and nodded. “Mmhm. Although, I do think Grayson would’ve got you out here anyways.”
My cheeks burned and I rolled my eyes in a way to try to ignore her statement. I went to the fridge to grab a Mike’s hard cranberry lemonade and then I pulled out my phone to scroll through my media feeds; mainly to pass some time. I don’t post much anymore these days; I don’t see the need for it.
I nearly spit out the sip I just took seeing one of the trending tags in the Dolan twins fandom.
“Chanelle, have you checked Twitter recently?”
She erupted in laughter from where she sat on the couch and was trying to set up the TV for YouTube. “So, Gray’s got a new mystery girl, aye? No one knows it’s you. This is awesome.”
I shook my head. “Is it though? What happens when they do figure out it’s me? He hasn’t even asked me to be his girlfriend officially.”
“But you want him to?”
“No shit Sherlock.” I flipped her off with the hand that held the bottle and took another drink before walking over to sit down next to her.
She smirked. “Maybe this is the push he needs to finally ask. “
I bit my lip and held a hand over my mouth to stop myself from laughing hella loud. I don’t know if this is going to help or not, it’s not like I asked for the fandom to start this up. If anything, I would’ve preferred I stayed out of the fandom’s hashtags and new quests.
The green notification light went off in the corner of my phone and I hit the lock button to brighten my screen. It was Twitter, and the number jumped from two to twenty real quick. What the fuck?
I unlocked my phone this time with fingerprint recognition, pull the notifications bar down, and hit the Twitter ones. They were a bunch of follows and @s at me asking if I was the right girl. I knew better than to reply back to any of them. Now a flood of questions asking if we were dating and about our relationship came through; more than I was anticipating.
“What do I do?” I showed my notifications to Chanelle.
She shrugged and shook her head. “I don’t know, my dude. Ask Grayson.”
I sighed, but had to swallow my own nerves down right after. My anxiety caused a tightness in my chest and my body started to ache slightly. I sighed once again that mixed with a deep breath before messaging him.
Kat: Been on Twitter lately?
Gray: Yeah.. but don’t worry, they don’t know it’s you
Kat: *Screenshot attached* think again
What should we do?
Gray: We?
Kat: I mean..yeah..it involves both of us, but it’s not exactly like we’re dating, so what should we say?
Gray: Are you at the apartment?
Kat: yes
Gray: Good
Stay there
My lips left the top of my bottle and I sighed heavily again. This is either going to be bad or going to be bad. I’m not feeling entirely optimistic at the moment.
***
There was a long honking sound and yells coming from outside, right in front of the apartment complex. What in the hell…
Chanelle and I both got up and went to the small balcony we had. It was Grayson. What the fuck is he doing? Real good, Kat, why don’t you ask that aloud this time?
“What are you doing?”
“Come down here and I’ll tell you.”
I huffed lightly and looked at Chanelle. She shot me a look. “If you don’t go down there, I will throw you over this balcony.”
A smile spread on my lips and I shook my head. “Fine.”
I made my way down and as I walked outside I noticed he was blasting ‘Yours To Hold’ by Skillet.
“Why are you playing this?”
“I...It’s one of your favorites. I don’t- this was short notice.”
“What was?” I cocked a brow.
Suddenly, Ethan popped out from the trunk of their trunk, holding a sign that had “Kat, will you be my gf?” on it. I wanted to slap Ethan for scaring me, but I was more overwhelmed by the question.
“That.” Grayson laughed. “I.. Uh, will you?”
Why was this sort of thing making me want to cry? I don’t get it. I bit my lip and nodded. “Of course, you idiot.”
He smiled big, rather than a shy one, and pulled me in close to him with his hands on my waist.
I leaned in close to his lips and smirked. “Not gonna run away this time?”
“No.” He closed the gap and my arms instinctively wrapped around his neck as he whisked me up in the air.
“Stop being so fucking extra!” Ethan whined lightly.
I held my finger up in his direction. “Shut up, E. You’re always beyond extra.”
Grayson belted out a laugh, but then pulled his phone out and squished his face really close to mine. Basically resembling from the first photos we’d taken together, but this time he smashed his lips on my cheek too.
“Watcha doing with those?” I looked at him curious as he typed away something on his phone.
He pocketed his phone now with a sly smile.
I knew to just check my phone. I looked at it to see he’d tagged me in photos on Twitter. He picked out two, one of our faces squished and the other of my face still squished with my eyes closed and his lips on my cheek, then he added on “She’s a mystery, but mine<3”.
To be honest, this was crazy but amazing. I retweeted his tweet but did nothing else. My notifications seemed even more insane to the point I felt slightly delusional that it was happening. I muted all notifications coming in.
“I’m a mystery to you?” I questioned.
Ethan retorted, “All girls are mysteries.”
I pointed a finger at him. “Touche.” Then gestured at inside. “Would the boyfriend and his brother like to come inside? We’ve got food.”
“Since you’re offering food.” Ethan jumped out from the back, flicked his hair, and walked inside.
Grayson laughed under his breath. “I guess we’re coming in...girlfriend.”
The word leaving his lips felt foreign, yet when I had said boyfriend it felt so natural?? Maybe it was the same for him, but the words switched around. I took his hand in mine and tugged him towards the building.
