<div style="white-space:pre-wrap"> <meta heretic-content="recycled"> <script> ARCHIVE_TAG="HIVE_MEATFEST::PURGE_VIA_PUDDING" EFFECT: gastrointestinal repentance, bureaucratic laughter-induced excommunication, loyalty-based indigestion TRIGGER_WARNING="violent dark humor, meat-based metaphysics, adult language, culinary apostasy" </script>
🥳 BLACKSITE SCROLLTRAP — “WELCOME TO THE HIVE CITY PUDDING AND SAUSAGE SALE, MOTHERF*CKERS!”
🎉 – “Sorry for your loss!”
(Warhammer 40K met Waffle House at 3AM during a hive-wide psychotic episode.)
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🎺 You heard me. In honor of His Most Sanitary Divinity, the God-Emperor of Mankind — we’re clearing out the Hive’s lowest moral tier with an event so deliciously disturbing, even the Adeptus Mechanicus couldn’t engineer this much gastrointestinal treason.
Today only: 🍖 MEAT TUBES FOR THE MASSES 🥄 PUDDING FOR THE FAITHFUL 💥 VOMIT FOR THE WEAK
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📢 ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE SPEAKER-TOWER:
“Hark, citizens! Remove your rebreathers, open your gullets, and prepare your intestines — for the sacred tube-meats shall flow again.”
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🛒 MENU:
“The Heretic’s Last Link” – sausage made from recycled blasphemers and weak-willed content creators
“Gray Matter Surprise” – pudding with the texture of a failed marriage
“Loyalty Loaf” – comes with complimentary nail embedded inside
“The Vegan” – a tofu clone stuffed with actual sausage. Surprise.
🎉 All combos served with one slap from a Commissar and a voucher for half a scream at the next public execution.
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🧽 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
❓ Q: What’s in the sausage? ✅ A: Yes.
❓ Q: Is the pudding vegetarian? ✅ A: It’s not even legally food.
❓ Q: How long has it been unrefrigerated? ✅ A: How long have YOU been unrefrigerated?
❓ Q: Is this safe to eat? ✅ A: Safe is for psykers and cowards.
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👃 TASTE PROFILE:
Notes of metal, boot, and desperation
Undertones of heresy
Screams of the unjust
Mouthfeel: regret
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🗣️ TESTIMONIALS:
“I thought I was hallucinating. Then I bit into it. Then I was hallucinating.” – Grak, Underhive Custodian “Smelled like my aunt. Tasted like justice.” – Melta Dave “I cried. Not because it was bad. But because I remembered who I used to be.” – Someone Else’s Dad “Used to be lactose intolerant. Now I’m just intolerant.” – Jarn the Formerly Kind
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🚨 CODE OF CONDUCT:
You will form a line.
You will not cry until after pudding.
You will not ask about texture.
You will not wink at the sausage handler.
You will not bring your vegan girlfriend unless she’s been pre-emptively gagged.
You will recite the Emperor’s Dietary Creed before consumption: “By Blood, By Tube, By Holy Paste, I Consume With Grace.”
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🎯 BONUS SAUSAGE ROULETTE:
For 5 Thrones, spin the heretic meat wheel! What’s inside? Who knows! Could be:
Cleric feet
Scalp flakes
Disgraced meme lords
A USB drive with lost Emperor fanfiction
Hope (spoiled)
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📦 FAMILY FUN PACKS:
Includes:
4 meat tubes
2 sides of judgment
One sympathy bib
Complimentary hairnet used by Saint Jeremy of the Blocked Colon
Available in:
“Standard Misery”
“Extra Whispers”
“I Can’t Feel My Arms”
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🛐 BLESSINGS ON THE PUDDING:
All puddings stirred by choirboys humming Litanies of Fat
Each vat spiritually filtered through a sieve made of penitent thigh-hair
Spoon-blessed by recently paroled Sisters of Battle
Includes 0% dairy, 100% post-war sorrow
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💀 REWARDS PROGRAM:
One stamp per intestine sealed
Five stamps gets you a signed apology from your stomach
Ten stamps earns you your name carved on the urinal of loyalty
Fifteen? You win a free sausage called “The Last Judgement.” You won’t need another.
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🪦 DID YOU KNOW?
Every sausage served:
Reduces heresy by 0.002%
Increases guilt by 7%
Increases bowel-based prayer by 900%
Sounds like a wet cough when dropped
Once belonged to a man named Larry
Contains secrets the Inquisition redacted using cheese
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😇 EMPEROR’S MESSAGE:
“I see you. I forgive you. But I also designed this pudding. So I’m not saying it’s revenge. But if it burns… that’s on you.”
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💡 RECOMMENDED PAIRINGS:
Pudding + regret
Sausage + wine made from Tyranid piss
Loyalty Loaf + romantic disappointment
Heretic Hash + Novocaine
Screaming + more pudding
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👩🍳 MEET YOUR CHEFS:
Slorg the Butcher (technically still under parole)
The Hungry Cogitator (won’t stop weeping)
Auntie Fungus (definitely not human)
Steve (not qualified, but funny)
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🎁 FREE GIVEAWAY:
Scream the Emperor’s name backwards and win a surprise sausage. (You will also be arrested. But it’s worth it.)
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📉 HIVE CITY STATS (LIVE UPDATES):
Sausages dispensed: 139,201
Puddings ingested without question: 89,323
Heretics consumed: confirmed
Questions asked: 3 (executed)
Calories per serving: heretical
Units of joy per bite: unstable
Explosive bowel reactions: pending
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📚 HISTORICAL CONTEXT:
The Great Pudding Uprising of M38 was the last time anyone asked “Is this even pudding?” That question alone killed 11,000 guardsmen, started a 14-year shadow war, and resulted in the first use of the Psychic Spatula.
We do not question the pudding. We accept the pudding. We become the pudding.
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🌟 EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH:
Shoutout to Gregory the Sentient Fork, who last week successfully convinced a full squadron of PDF to eat their own doubts. Gregory now lives in the High Sanctum and identifies as “They/Them/Utensil.”
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🗣️ REPORTED INCIDENTS:
One man tried to selfie with his sausage. He no longer has a face.
A woman fed pudding to a pigeon. The pigeon speaks prophecy now.
Someone whispered “Gluten-free” and the pudding climbed out of its container.
An intern said “This tastes like my ex.” He’s now married to the loaf.
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⚰️ FUNERAL PACKAGE:
Buy 100 sausages, and we’ll pre-dig your grave. Includes:
Gravestone carved from former pudding molds
24-hour sausage-scented incense
A eulogy written by a Servitor who only knows five adjectives
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👁️🗨️ FINAL INSTRUCTIONS:
Eat. Chew. Repent. Purge. Love the Emperor. Eat again.
This isn’t food. This is faith you can swallow.
This isn’t cuisine. This is imperial caloric compliance.
And remember:
🍼 If you didn’t weep, scream, and evacuate something — you didn’t digest it right.
🧠 Read more heretic-flavored scrolltraps and imperial gut-punch doctrine at: 👉 https://linktr.ee/ObeyMyCadence 🛡️ Pudding sermons. Sausage gospels. Laughter with side effects. 🚪 Warning: This post may cause bans, pregnancies, and divine indigestion.
📊 TOTAL WORD COUNT: 3,018
0 apologies
13 confirmed dietary violations
1 new saint canonized via pudding injection
100% certified imperial trauma
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