#grayceeemae talks

[grayceeemae-blog]

I refuse to be walked all over. I am not gonna let people dictate my future for me. If I'm at work and I say that I have it or that I will do it a certain way, it is because I am driven worker who wants to get better on her own-not a bitch who wants her way. The sexism I deal with in the work environment at 20 years old is astounding. I haven't even left college yet and I am already dealing with real world sexism. When a man in my work area says he is assertive about his goals and what he wants, he is considered driven. Yet, when I am assertive, I am greeted with muttered words like, "bitch.." or "cunt..". I don't need your approval because I am used to this shit by now. Fuck you and all your mutterings at work. I'll go farther then you ever will. Next time you try to walk all over me, go to me first, not our boss. 

[grayceeemae-blog]

Last bight

A friend and I went to see maze runner. At like one o'clock when the movie let out, the weather was so nice outside. I'm not lying guys. I put my iPod on and rolled the windows down. Freaking "Heroes" by David Bowie came on. It was beautiful. I took the long way home and the song ended right when I pulled up to the apartment. It was amazing. I want so relaxed.

[grayceeemae-blog]

The struggle

Of wanting to cuddle and make out but not be in a relationship.

[grayceeemae-blog]

Slipping

I feel myself slipping away slowly as the seconds tick away. My insides turn and twist and I for some reason can't breathe. I feel this immense pressure of hatred and of my self-conscious slowly chips away pieces of my heart. Like an artist sculpting at my brain. He takes a pick and carefully takes at the parts he doesn't want. He leaves the pieces on the floor unwanted.

[grayceeemae-blog]

Days go on.

We keep moving. We aren't given fine to breathe. Life presses us onward. We are expected to make important decisions every day. We are expected to know exactly what we want when we want it. When in reality all we really want is to be...accepted. I can't breathe. It hurts. Everything hurts.

[grayceeemae-blog]

We won't live forever.

As a child we used to say that we would live to be a hundred. We thought we would have all the time in the world. We thought we had time to make mistakes and learn from them. We thought we had time to waste it. As children we aren't aware how short life really is. Today, I was reminded that not all of us will make it to live to be a hundred. When I was kid, I used to say I would travel the world, win an oscar, fall in love a bunch of times, find the true love of my life, and have a family that I would love and cherish the rest of my life. I would grow old with my significant other watching our grandchildren play outside. As I child I was naive. Even to this day, I act as if I have all the time in the world to be messing around. Sitting here as I type this, I have a billion and one things I need to be doing. I have two jobs which I work a collective of 30 plus hours. I am also taking 18 hours of classes this semester. I stress out about the littlest things. 

Today I was reminded that not all of us will live to a hundred. Today this morning a teacher of mine from high school passed away in a car accident. He wasn't like my favorite teacher or anything. He just was the teacher that gave me the creative outlet to fall in love with making films. I owed him a lot. I honestly didn't even realize it till today. But the thing that I think hit home most..was that he was young. He had a girlfriend, he was a coach, he was a teacher. He still had a whole lifetime in front of him. And in one moment it was all gone. 

How can I be so selfish? I feel like spend so much time feeling sorry for myself and not enough time appreciating the life I have. I don't spend enough time on working towards my dream. I don't live my life to the very fullest. I honestly don't even have much fun. How can I live like this knowing that it could all be gone in a split second? And even though I know I feel like this now-I know it won't last. I'll state that I will change my life and the way I live and my attitude. I will declare to be happier and live my life to the fullest. But tomorrow, tomorrow I will remember that I have to work for money, to live, and have to go to school to get a mediocre job. Tomorrow I will not remember. Tomorrow I will continue on this oblivious existence and that makes me sad.

Today I was reminded that not all of us will live to a hundred. Tomorrow I will forget. 

[grayceeemae-blog]

I feel sick.

Bad night. Need a horror movie and cuddles. Feeling rather inadequate and useless...no bullshit right now.

[grayceeemae-blog]

Horror

I want a group of friends who want to watch horror movies and drink with me.