Originally this was supposed to be a GrayxLoke One-Shot, but it turned more into a rambly, study on how I think Loke feels and views things from the outside looking in. It's a bit rambly, and doesn't have a big end-game point, but I couldn't bring myself to put more to it anymore.
I'll be honest, I didn't even edit it. But I hope you all enjoy it anyway! Still more focused on GrayxLoke than other characters, but not wholly what was intended anymore.
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Loke understood love.
As much as he understood himself and the very world he and his Celestial Companions lived in. It was a concept that came to him as easy as breathing. Love was difficult and complicated, there was no one way to fully describe it aside from an ever-evolving emotion that was never the same twice.
He also understood law: Human and Celestial Law and the barrier that laid between them.
‘Celestial Mages cannot involve themselves romantically with the spirits. Likewise, the spirits cannot be romantic with their contracted mage or any human they come across.’ At first this law sounded easy. To a mind that was young and had yet to learn more of the world, it would seem so simple a thing. Spirit beings were eternal, everlasting as long as they could heal in their world. Time moved differently for them, far slower; The life of their contracted mage was so little in comparison to theirs. What point would there be to fall for beings who were born and taken from the world far faster than a Celestial Spirit could fathom?
In his time as a spirit, Loke had many Celestial Mages call upon his power. Every one was his friend, even the ones that didn’t deserve it. After all, a spirit's power comes from the love felt between them and their user. Not a romantic love. There were more forms of love than just that. Sometimes deeper. A connection not unlike family or the closest of friends. Constantly aware of their health, when they were in danger. His emotion and need to protect his charge was tied to their very need; a constant ebb and flow that pulled him to the realm of humans any time he felt them summon or fell to ruin.
A promise between spirit and mage was as important as marriage vows, and just as damaging to break.
The barrier between them was simple to uphold, until he was a human. Pain was a constant companion during Loke’s exile. Every day he masked it behind a sly laugh, coy grin and flirtatious, flowery words. Even his glasses, a part of his look, now used to clear his sight that became more blurred each passing day. He was tired. Constantly. Self-loathing and pain was a monster Loke constantly ran from. He hid it day by day with every date and girl he held on his arm. Did he do half the things the gossips spoke of? Probably not, but as long as it distracted him, he’d let the tongues wag.
Loke loved each girl he dated. Perhaps not the same way they loved him, but he did care. Their smiles with each gift he gave was like little bandaids on his heart. Their flustered giggles when he sang compliments eased the hateful voice that whispered in his ears. It was a dead man’s pass time, nothing more
But then there was Fairy Tail.
There were his friends that filled the missing parts of his heart that could no longer see his Celestial companions. There were the jobs he’d attempt and the parties the guild would throw.
There was Cana. There was … him.
Gray was much like the others of the guild, but different too. When they first met, Gray didn’t greet him like the others, barely even acknowledged Loke with nothing more than a nod of his head. There was a chill about him. A distrusting gaze that spoke volumes. He believed in his guild; he would do anything for it, but that didn’t mean he had to be close with every new member that had a mark stamped to them. With his constant flirtations getting him into trouble, it was strange to expect someone like Gray to ever open up to Loke.
But,in time, he did. The day Loke first tried to hit on Erza Scarlet. It was a fool’s decision, Loke knew, but the pain in his joints and exhaustive shouts in his mind led him to make a hasty decision that changed his days at Fairy Tail in many ways. Her gauntleted fist struck once, but it was enough, He’d kissed the floor with a hard thud and splinters flew about his ears. He’d groaned a low apology and stayed where he landed, waiting for Erza’s attention to move elsewhere.
When it did, Cana was the first to comment, voice slurred from a drink she’d finished imbibing, but amusement soaked every syllable. “That was brave. She didn’t scar your face, did she, pretty boy?”
Pretty boy? He almost considered turning his pick up lines on her, but the moment he rolled over, bemused grin on his face, Gray cut in from the stool beside her. His grin was a surprise, wide and open as he chuckled and procured an ice cube into his water.
“Guess you’re finally initiated.” The blunt statement threw all thoughts of flirtation out of Loke’s mind. He tilted his head and repeated the words quietly, his confusion clear. Gray shrugged and took a sip of his water, content to leave it at that.
“Being struck down by Erza is something that happens to nearly every guy or girl in this guild at some point or another,” Cana explained. “Not me, of course, ‘cause I’m not an idiot.”
Loke accepted the insult. He really had to be an idiot to consider raising Erza’s ire and his education was swift, “And how often do these idiots learn never to do it again? Because I think the message was well-received for me.”
Cana leered toward Gray and whistled, “And just like that, he’s ten times smarter than you are.”
“Hey! She only gets mad when Natsu and I fight and he starts it!”
“Uh-huh, Are you sure that’ll hold up to everyone else?”
“Of course it will!”
Loke felt like he was jumping rope as he found an opening to join in, still laying on the floor as he focused his gaze towards the two. “That’s not accurate. I saw you instigate insults with Natsu just this morning.”
Gray gawked, mouth agape as he searched for an excuse, but Cana’s laugh and sudden smack to the table jostled his drink. Choosing to settle it instead, Gray stared sourly at Loke, who found he didn’t mind the distasteful look. It held little bite compared to others he’d seen before, as if there was a certain amount of… falsehood to it. It was at that moment, Loke realized there was something they had in common after all. His first, unknown mistake.
He fell into conversations with Gray and Cana easily after that. Many times they’d take jobs together, or pass information back and forth to help the other. Loke once tried to teach Gray pick up lines for dates, but the Ice Mage either couldn’t remember a single line properly, or purposefully screwed them up to remain single. (Loke banked on the latter.)
Precious little moments. Precious little memories. They eased the hurt, the guilt that settled inside him. While nothing absolved him of his crime, they made the stab of it easier to bear, but they would never know. He couldn’t tell them. They couldn’t know what he truly was, not until he was long gone from their lives. Gone and forgotten.
He hoped he would survive long enough to see Gray reach S-Class. He’d made a promise, but his own life line was the judge for his ability to keep it. Day after day he hoped Makarov would call Gray’s name for the trials. Day after day, Gray would join him on jobs and day after day, Loke learned to look forward to Gray’s soft, imperceptible grin every time he entered the guild.
A dangerous feeling was love, but Loke was built on it. His entire being was created to feed off it and become strong. While his power dwindled with no way to replenish itself, his mutual love for his friend and Guild helped move him forward. That’s all it was. That’s all it could be. That’s all it was allowed to be. Loke would die and the others would learn to live without him. It was selfish, to have this love, and impossible to ask for more.
Loke was a selfish being and in his times of weakness, during the nights when the pain of his body grew too immense to ignore, tears staining his face as he struggled to endure; Loke would sometimes imagine more. More than friends. More than family. More than a silent understanding between friends and claps to the back. More than a hug from the girls he dated each week and the empty gifts he gave them.
Just. More.
It was a dangerous thought, but it helped.
And then there was her. The one who finally saved him, but gave him an altogether new consequence to deal with.
Long-life.
Lucy Heartfilia was the Celestial Mage he both needed and feared to come to his rescue. What brilliantly awful timing she had, to join when she did. Two sides of Loke screamed at each other the moment he realized her magic was the very magic that could end his carefully built façade. There was no telling how long it would take her to realize his truth and testing that limit was too risky. His exile was one he accepted. His coming death, an inevitability he knew would come fast and hard. What good would her learning the truth do, besides showing the Guild who he really was: a liar.
So he ran. And ran again. On and on, he ran. Until he was cornered, desperate and with nowhere else to go. Gray often mocked him for his supposed ‘fear’ of Celestial Mages. During their off-times at the guild, he would regale Loke with the stories of how the new girl merged into Natsu’s small team and pulled him along for the ride. Loke watched as Gray’s friendship circle became just a bit more open, and while it pained him to realize he wouldn’t have jobs to go on anymore, Loke was happy. Cana had her own methods of dealing with pain, but the friends Gray now was open to would be just what he needed when the time came.
Loke may have been reduced to the sidelines, but at least he knew Gray wouldn’t be alone when he passed. That was enough. Almost. Right until his time was up and Lucy proved to be far more than he had ever assumed. A loving soul, one with the power and emotional strength to summon not just one, but all her spirits in a last bid for his life. The fear of killing not one celestial mage, but two, had torn Loke’s soul to tatters, but sewed him right back up when the powers he had felt dwindled through the years, slowly spreading through his body once again.
She had saved him. He had an eternity to live and deal with his guilt, but what now?
He would live and continue to do so and they… all of them. Would eventually die. Even her. His key would pass on to another and another, and he’d begin his cycle as leader of the zodiac once again. He’d leave them. All of them.
Love was dangerous. His love for his mage was built on trust, friendship and gratitude. Lucy had tied him together, unable to leave his Guild Family, but also able to see his original family again. He was blessed with so much, and yet he couldn’t accept it. In the depths of his heart, Loke knew it was too late.
“So, think we’ll see each other again? Outside of battle, I mean.” Gray had asked him. The pit in Loke’s stomach grew bottomless as he swallowed on every word he wanted to say.
“I suppose,” He forced the teasing grin and winked, “That all depends on our pretty, blonde Lucy, now doesn’t it?”
Gray didn’t buy it, eyes narrowing in distaste. “You can’t decide that for yourself?”
“Of course I can, just not right now.” He amended, now serious. It was impossible to resist placing his hand on the other’s shoulder, so he didn’t bother to try. “I’ve been drained of my life force for too long. I need to rest now, but don’t worry. I’m sure you can handle not having me around to banter with, right?”
“Tch, yeah, I’m finally free of your terrible one-liners.” Somehow, Gray’s smirk didn’t meet his eyes, but Loke purposefully ignored it.
“Oh I’ll find a way to bother you eventually. Just wait until you finally get tested for S-Class!”
He’d changed the subject and started his goodbyes before Gray would question what that meant, but they both knew. Promises were important. To both Spirit and Mage. If Loke promised something he would damn well keep it. And keep it he did. Temporary cutting himself from Lucy to aid Gray on Tenrou Island. For a friend. He’d say. And they both believed it.
- but not completely. Loke knew the stirrings of his heart. The ache in his chest as he watched the others talk and crowd around him. He missed what they had. He missed having the change to join in on the fun. He could, if he wanted, but what then?
They’ll die- and I’ll stay the same. I couldn’t leave at first. So now… now I have to watch them leave me.
That was the truth of it. The pain of it. The consequences to all good and bad choices taken in his life. And Loke would live through it. He would smile. He would joke. He would tease and banter and act the fool. His playboy act ended the moment Lucy Heartfilia learned his truth and helped to set him free, but now he fell into a new act. A happy, friendly, goofy guy who enjoyed every moment with his charges as if they weren’t his last. As if he wasn’t mentally preparing himself for the day he’d be summoned and they would be old and gone.
Time flows quickly for a Celestial Spirit- and their lives begin to pass him by. The Grand Magic Games. Tartaros… the year he spent training with Lucy as the guild disbanded. Avatar… Alvarez. For them, it was a chunk in their lives, but for him? He clung to every moment to peace the memories together in his head. To hold them time and remember for as long as he lived.
Loke didn’t often use his power to summon himself without Lucy’s knowledge. But there were times he’d make an exception.
“How’ve you been, man?” Gray’s smile was warm, warmer than Loke remembered it. He was happier now, slowly healing from the pains of his past and letting others in. This was good.
“Oh, just perfect. “ Loke answered, not even bothering to address the fact he materialized in Gray’s apartment, uninvited. “You all have gone to war so many times, I feel it’s my sworn duty to come along and liven things up for you. Any plans tonight?”
“Are you kidding? The last guild party lasted for days, I need to relax now. Are you staying long?”
“Do you want me to leave? I knew I should have knocked.”
Gray’s denial was quick, surprisingly so, “I didn’t say that!” He blinked, ears turning slightly pink as he scratched the back of his neck, sighing. Loke felt warm just seeing it. Warm and wanted and everything he couldn’t have, but at least he wasn’t being thrown out. “- I mean, I guess you could. In the future…”
Would there be a future? Loke’s smile turned sad. “The future… Yes. You want me to visit again?”
“Are you stupid or somethin’? Of course I do!” Gray looked offended and Loke didn’t blame him one bit for that. “We’re still friends, aren’t we? Or does that go away now that you’ve held up all your promises and are living in another world now?”
Loke wished he could have said yes. The harsh truth. Oh yes, I don’t need any of you now. It didn’t sound good. Not even as a joke. “I don’t think I could ever see you or the others in the past. You’re as much my family as the spirits are.”
“Tch.. that.. That’s good then.”
Their conversations had grown more awkward over the years, and the more Gray aged and Loke stayed the same.. The more awkward they would become. So he feared, but that didn’t matter. He would grasp onto every witty quip he could, before going back to his realm or listening to the call of his key. He loved them, after all. All of them.
He understood love down to it’s barest essentials- and even if it hurt, he’d do it again and again- even when their graves were all that’s left.
Technically this counts for my 6 Pairing Requests I was doing on twitter. 4/6 done now. But this was also done for @termitate as a gift, because they deserve it.
Anyway, I love Gray and I love Loke. And we all know I love them together so here here they are! I started using Fire Alpaca recently, so this is the first image I've finished on the new program. So far, I'm happy with the results. ^^
Silly idea that got into my head last night so I just quickly sketched/colored it out. Having Loke as a Roommate isn't always a problem for Gray, but why does he always say his pick-up lines/innuendo right as Gray is taking a drink?
In honor of Pride Month, have a Pansexual Loke and a Demiromantic/Bisexual Gray! Loke may want to look out, though, he looks seconds away from being booted off Gray's back. >:3c
