#grey talk

[greybae-palamonk]

This is my first post and I'll keep my thoughts and whatever over here so the rest of the system can't bitch about it. I'm Greyson I'm 26 and have been, and I'll tell you what it is when it is. I'm sick and tired of being relegated to just being the emotional cleanup crew so now everyone gets to hear from me directly. If I'm gonna be made to front cause life is too unbearable to deal with, then I'm gonna have fun with it. Will I frequent the blog? Who fuckin knows but now no one can say shit cause it's my own blog.

[the-hypnos-house]

I get frustrated when ppl can't seem to understand trauma responses differ from person to person and just because one set of events don't seem "that traumatic" to one person doesn't mean they can't possibly have a "worse" response than someone whose trauma was "objectively worse"

Most of my trauma doesn't come from any singular events. It's all repeated traumas, mostly dealing with medical shit, with family stuff on top, and some religious garbage just for spice. So many ppl want to tell me how to feel about life in comparison to themselves and it pisses me off.

Maybe I should say "us", kind of a half n half of Toby and Greyson rn, and one whole on being angry about literally anyone who wants to dictate what does and doesn't count as "traumatic enough" to end up a certain way.

Our ptsd and OSDD, our intense terror over doctors offices and hospitals, over ppl yelling too much and slamming doors, literally every little sensory overload isn't just arbitrary "oh that happens to everyone sometimes" bullshit! I can pinpoint exactly where my fear of needles comes from at like the age of FIVE and NINE cause of allergy and illness shit and fear of losing ppl/abandonment from the age of SIX and ELEVEN and just. It's fucking annoying when ppl ignorantly just remark like I'm overreacting over a trigger or something.

That's BEFORE compounding it all with adhd and autism, which is ANOTHER set of sensory issues and misunderstanding things and lagging behind developmentally and just. It's so FUCKING frustrating!

I don't think I want official diagnoses for any of it. It's so difficult to attain in the first place, and then there's so much fucking stigma afterwards. Usually in the case of like my physical disabilities and illness, a diagnoses makes me feel better because it means the professionals will know what to do in order to help, or at least I have some hope that's the case. With things as "severe" as DID/OSDD and PTSD, even the so called professionals start eyeing patients like we're fucking weird and/or dangerous. It's so fucked up.

Not even getting into the community gatekeepers that just. Are as bad as truscum/transmeds in the trans community. You have to be EXACTLY THIS THING IN THESE WAYS OR YOU'RE FAKING!!!! Fuck off. Everything presents differently in everyone, finding commonality isn't for gatekeeping it's for trying to find labels that help ppl. I'm fucking TIRED.

[the-hypnos-house]

Still Greyson here, but I just want to inform people about some of the rules about interacting with the system when Toby isn't around. And I'll try to remember to format this one right this time with actual separated paragraphs.

First, the rest of us still keep up with Toby's mannerisms and interactions and shit like that so except for really trusted people, I'm still gonna act like Toby, that's literally my job.

Second, I've been here his whole life so I know most major memorable things, but I don't have memory of EVERYTHING. You'll have to forgive me if I forget or just don't know something even if you know Toby well.

Third, as previously stated, Toby and I grew up together so a lot of our style and word choices do overlap a lot, so if people close to him are deemed safe enough to allow others to front, it's okay to ask who of us is fronting if you can't discern from the way we communicate. Sometimes we can get jumbled so it might only be one or both or even with any of the others like Oracle and Nöe.

Fourth, the body is still Toby's body, so despite my level of ability elsewhere, I and the others still have to maintain his medical needs and do confirm to his disabilities if and when we front. Keep in mind that switching often takes a lot of mental energy for all of us but especially switching from an able bodied perspective to a disabled one adds onto that energy drain and a new driver in the seat doesn't repair the ragged car. Please don't expect us to be able to do more than he can.

Fifth, your relationships with Toby are with TOBY, not the rest of us. Please don't expect anyone else to respond to a type relationship you have with Toby the way he would if it's too uncomfortable with us. Toby and I are separate adults with separate relationships and Oracle is a celestial sentient space dust entity who does whatever, and Nöe is a perpetual child. Please keep all that in mind.

I don't want anyone to feel weirded out or scared or anything if this starts to gain more often in the future, and I most especially want to be sure Toby stays safe.

[the-hypnos-house]

Toby told us we were free to use this blog if and when ever we were around, so I wanna say hey! I'm Greyson, and I'm here today to save a soul tired Toby some energy and do self care shit. He did forget that he took an edible before passing the fuck out, so he's asleep and I'm just getting hit in the meantime. Got in a shower at least, but his clothes need to be clean, and the bedsheets. To be honest there's a lot of work around here I been dying to get done, but Toby's body's really taking a beating on top of the mental toll, so I'm not about to put it in more physical stress just to give it back worse for wear. But that's beside the point. I'm Greyson and I'm like the team dad. Usually the only times I'm present is driving the car after a stressful doctor visit, but today was simultaneously high and low between his art excitement and brief disappointment he got emotional whiplash and manic stated himself into spoon debt so I had to jump in. If you ever wanna talk to one of us, you should def send asks and shit. I don't know if this blog has those open actually, but if not, I'll let him deal with his blogs later on. So say hey if you want! And be nice to Nöe if you're gonna try to talk to her, she's a child.

[octoaloe]

I'm making healthy food cause I need more energy and my brother recommends this like a religion

[octoaloe]

Basically I passed out yesterday and I feel like my chest is going to collapse. Everything feels heavy