It's Greyson, Bitch

Fuck it, I'm getting my own blog. Greyson, 26, protector in the Hypnos House (system), Monk/Paladin multiclass Y'all gonna hear from me morherfuckers

[greybae-palamonk]

I met our therapist! The Medicaid bullshit finally got sorted out and since we DID collectively decide that we need a professional to help guide us in navigating the plural experience, I decided to drop in and say hi. Toby was freaking out a bit on the inside and it was triggering all kinds of fear and shame, which he didn't immediately recognize as it also resulted in a switch. We were taught how to turn off the face preview and it made the transition WAY easier! I think everyone in the system can agree that this is pretty much Toby's car and the rest of us just borrow it sometimes.

She's great, btw, and asked me what it is that I would like to gain from therapy and damn that's one of the nicest things someone's done for me, just being considerate. I really have to think about it though, cause I'm not entirely sure myself. I'm writing for posterity to remind us to do that when we're properly sober and thinking correctly and/or just to refresh on any ideas that pop up rn.

I'm gonna say there are a few things that I'd like to really chew on and process. One of them is to work on my resentment. I love Toby but he represses all of us massively for fear of getting any of us or any of his outer fam emotionally hurt. I honestly hate being squashed back into headspace all the time. It isn't like cramped or anything and there are plenty of people in here sure, but I want to actually build outer community and friends and be SOCIAL. We're a little more co-con atm than when it's usually just me here, plus we're high which is a huge fucking relief, so I'm not as pissed off as I've been usually as of late, but it Durant erase how I feel with we're sober and I'm being pushed away from front. BUT, we've been consecutively working on it for a couple years now and doing half decent, we just really do need to call in backup to help figure this shit out. Those couple of years HAVE shown major improvements, it's just the world as it is atm is terrifying for a lot of us, but mostly of all for Toby, who is almost ALWAYS host having to face the horrors of living on this bitch of an earth. And I want that to be the reminder to myself not to be harsh on him specifically cause he's our emotions guy and that's an extremely important piece to our actual collective existence. Like we all have separate emotions of our own obviously, but his JOB is to house that shit so everyone can be able to fucking survive this stupid ass soul sucking fuck shit somehow.

Anyway we're exhausted so I gotta put us to BED.

[greybae-palamonk]

Alright. Okay. I AM over reactive. Talking to Nina helps a lot and I'm gonna chill the fuck out on Liam. Admittedly he has a cool ass name and didn't do anything BAD and I'm just an over protective asshole anyway so we should bury this thing and move on

[greybae-palamonk]

I'm back for more bitching, baybeeeee! Cause I'm pissed off, what else is new, about how this motherfucker doesn't stop to think for one millisecond hey, mauve my opinion isn't fucking needed in this very specific instance right at this moment talking to a guy known for being severely rejection sensitive when he's trying to make a fucking connection with just fucking whiny bitch ass friend. I'm getting into it FUCK YOU

Toby wants this friendship to work out so fucking much with this guy Liam, right? So DESPITE the fact that the man is also a severely avoidant shit talker who PROBABLY has issues with Toby he won't say to his face, Toby wants to be friends regardless cause the guy made him feel nice and he's close friends with Nina and is actually really good to her. I get the latter point, we all have strong protective feelings about Nina here. But what the fuck tbh, what the actual fuck? I gotta explain something first about Toby which I feel like is glaringly obvious to everyone EXCEPT this guy: Toby likes to show interest in what other people like and what other people introduce him to in order to form better bonds. That's like basic human connection, right?

TELL ME WHY, when Toby decides to show of that he found a Papagen avatar in VRC, this asshole goes and says something along the lines of it's not really his vibe and it's like a bottom trying to be a top. This man has chosen a papagen avatar as his latest of a string of personas which no hate cause Toby has roughly like 7 or 8 personas himself, but has a papagen and then Toby being the little boy stuck in a grown body that he can be sometimes wants to show off that he's paying the fuck attention and look he found one too that is his aesthetic and it's cute right? And this bitch ass bitch decides to say it doesn't suit him.

BITCH I'M GOING TO ACTIVELY FIGHT YOU. You sit around being shitty about other ppl all day in your dumbass British way and can't even confront people who get on your damn nerves and talk shit about them out of earshot and then to YOUR SUPPOSED FRIEND tell him that the avatar he chose specifically cause YOU introduced it to him isn't fitting for him like he's a bottom trying to be a top.

Did you FUCKING LISTEN to that sentence before you let is spill out your fucking dumbass face hole? He was excited as shit to show you something you two can share appreciation for and you told him "don't" WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR GODDAMN PROBLEM.

And I get I'm reactionary, I get it I'm so opposite of anything Toby would ever say or do cause I'm the one who gets shit done while he's busy having the 700th mental breakdown of the week after a lifetime of masking and fawning and placating Literally Everyone in his LIFE and you are just so careless in your responses you don't even fucking THINK. You don't KNOW HIM. You don't seem to CARE to know him! Great you're a good person to his sister and we all appreciate that awesome but fuck you and your stupid need to be judgmental of literally everything and everyone around you. Where the fuck is the self awareness? You complain and complain about E V E R Y O N E it's so fucking annoying. Everyone has a right to complain about whatever they want and sometimes it's even cathartic to commiserate but holy fucking SHIT SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO SAY sometimes! I don't know why we unblocked you. I don't know why HE unblocked you. I should make my own quest account so I can go there without your goddamn bullshit.

But that would probably guarantee that I personally never have access to a sibling relationship with Nina. And what the fuck is the point of being so pissed off and wanting an actual life if the sister that I ALSO GREW UP WITH since the body was like TWELVE never acknowledges that I'm her brother too. I'm her FUCKING BROTHER TOO

Nina and Michael will never understand. That's what Toby fears, that somehow HE'D be rejected if the rest of us have too much time fronting. What about us? What about ME motherfucker? I'm a fucking person too I want to FUCKING LIVE. I want to talk to them I want to actually FORM LASTING RELATIONSHIPS. Go FUCK yourself! Goddamn I'm not supposed to be ur crier. Toby cries all the time and I've never been afforded the fucking luxury. I'm just pissed off always and no one else ever steps in to fucking HELP ME. Toby isn't the only one in here and he isn't the only one who needs help and community, I DO TOO! Fucking HELP ME.

And fuck that guy Liam too I hate his ass for the stupid shit he does to our emotions. I thought he was cool and the fact that Toby so DESPERATELY wants to hold onto this friendship NOT EVEN for his own sake is fucking INSANE to me. It's fucking wild how he'll let people walk all over him and for what? For a nice heatpat or whatever the fuck? For validation? For a brief feel good something or other that will NOT last. I'm fuming I'm so mad. I'm so pissed off cause as soon as he logged off, the MOMENT he logged off he went right to crying. He was upset cause when Nina left for the night, Liam ended up not even paying attention. He was off doing other shit not even participating in the fucking conversation with other patrons not being like actively a PART of the rest of the night! What's the point then? Why was Toby trying so desperately to keep him involved in the goddamn conversation if he was just gonna fuck off anyway. He gave him an out when Nina left saying oh it's real late where you are you should go too but no he wanted to stay and then didn't even PARTICIPATE.

And there's fuck all I can do about it. The protector of this whole goddamn system and not once am I listened to. I should fucking go dormant. That's what I was going to say, but now Toby is upset too. I'm sorry I don't actually mean that last part, I'm just angry.

[greybae-palamonk]

Hm. Realizing as much as I love the man, there's a little resentment toward Toby for the suppression of it all. It's not HIS fault he's so scared, but damn I want a life, yeah?

[greybae-palamonk]

I'm still mad just Greybae was taken lmao. ANYWAY, so cater I'm fronting so fucking much lately I went in to hang at the gay bar tonight. Toby wasn't feeling up to going cause depression and all that shit but damn we neepd SOCIALIZING. /I/ need socializing. So I went in with like an hour left before last call and got settled and talking with other systems, which is FANTASTIC to do btw when you're relegated to protector and always being suppressed and shit. Like, it's not GREAT that I have to be fronting so much lately like what the fuck for real? This shit gotta get fixed. The system the healthcare all of it holy shit. But that's beside the point ANYWAY

So I got us back on track for volunteering with Pride VR cause I know for a fact it would be great for ALL of us to have a space where we have a sense of fucking purpose, you know? PLUS, on a more selfish note, I want to be social with other people like us. Fuck the fear we're gonna LIVE goddamn it! As shit as it is in this bitch of an earth right now, we HAVE to take the little victories and opportunities to create fucking COMMUNITY. He wants to isolate and that's never done anything good for us. Like this isn't a judgement on him cause it's legit, like that shit is terrifying and I'm glad I'm not fronting At All Times to have to face it cause look what it's done to him? Toby is a fucking shell of his former self and still finds the strength to be kind and friendly. He just wants everyone to be fucking happy like damn. I woulda burned so many bridges by now! Yet still he persists, and by proxy so do we all.

The body is so fucking tired but still can't sleep yet and HOPEFULLY getting ahead of it with a gummy will fight the stupid ass insomnia that's got a PAINFUL chokehold on our nonexistent DICKS rn and we get to sleep BEFORE 3 am, fuck your very much. 4 at the latest, but creating goals and getting shit done is what I do. Tomorrow, maybe an actual shower, imagine that! If I'm still in front when we wake up i don't think I'll be too mad, but Toby is terrified of that shit so who knows. If I'm going to be around way more then I'll just make friends with everyone in the meantime, yeah? ;-)

Btw listen to Maphra your life will improve even if just slightly. Do it.

[greybae-palamonk]

God this shit is so fucking stressful. Why do /I/ always have to be the one that fronts when shit blows up? Why can't I front when something GOOD is happening? I'm so tired of this shit I don't want this job anymore. I mean I'm not going anywhere and someone has to do the fucking work so why the fuck not but FUCKING LET ME LIVE for real. For actual real allow me the goddamn chance to have an actual real life outside of being everyone's fucking rescue dog. I'm so angry all the time now. Things were so chill for a while there and now everything's falling apart again worse than ever and I'm fronting way now which would be cool IF IT WAS FOR COOL SHIT. We used to do dance parties and shit as like togetherness activities and now there's no money for streaming music and there's definitely no money for BUYING music and there's no way to do any of it offline and there's no goddamn fucking MUSIC to soothe me and I'm just eternally riled up and pissed the fuck off.

I gotta remember to actually break up paragraphs or it's hard to read later. Hi in Greyson I'm 26 and I never learned how to fuckin read. But this shit is so ass. This shit is so ass! I just want to chill with other metal heads and watch physiological thrillers and chat about psychology and video games and shit like that and I don't GET TO. I don't get to do any of that shit. And Toby's a mess right now can't string a sentence together lately tbh and that's not his fault, he's just literally always fronting and having to witness the horrors way more than anyone else in this system. As much as I want to like interact with people, maybe I don't want to interact with the burning world and it's dogshit politics.

[greybae-palamonk]

Okay so we've been doing some internal talking cause obviously it's very needed, and I'm gonna be calm about this one, cause I was asked to be. The Liam situation was fucking messy. But I HAVE to actually admit that the guy isn't a bad person he's just fucking traumatized and ignorant. That doesn't negate the extreme trauma response panic attack that his mere presence inflicted on our poor boy Toby. That's the whole reason I'm pissed the fuck off, cause a trauma response like that is USUALLY reserved for memories of a wall punching screaming bleeding drunk father, or memories of being held down by several hospital staff just trying to draw blood from a terrified dying child. Like who the fuck comes in and causes that kind of heartbreak to a traumatized man to SUCH a point that he's having a horrendous fucking meltdown just cause he wasn't expecting to see someone and then saw that someone? That shit is reserved for abusers and I HAVE to concede that this guy did nothing of the sort. Toby has a problem with taking the blame for literally everything if he's even considered being somewhat remotely involved in any capacity. The man has issues with people pleasing that aren't going away fast enough for my liking. I don't give a fuck what the body's age is, when it comes to trauma he regresses to a fucking 12 year old with no proper adult logic systems in place and that's why /I/ have to step in. He's not a man anymore at that point he's a scared little boy. Like he CAN work perfectly fine in an emergency and then cry it out later, but when it's perceived as HIS fault? Nah. All logic out the fucking window. Defenestration immediate.

And here's the thing. Did Liam even bother to get to know him as a friend long enough to know that this happens? Did he even know that Toby's never had another romantic experience outside of Kanon until literally RIGHT now? Of course not. He was pushing so hard for a romance that he didn't take the TIME to actually get to know the man outside of some infodumping and playing in the backrooms or whatever the fuck. Like Toby ALLOWING someone to even cuddle his avatar is a HUGE show of trust and attraction, but nah this man couldn't begin to KNOW that cause he didn't know anything. Fucking ignorant ass through and through.

I swear I can be a reasonable and calm person. I have to be the responsible one all the goddamn time, I just want to be able to live without all this bullshit and even /I/ thought Liam was trustworthy enough to introduce myself. Not that my presence was chosen, it was another overwhelming situation but that's beside the point. He got to meet ME. That's a fucking privilege. I don't care if that sounds vain or whatever it's not, it's cause I don't bother with people I don't feel I can trust. If I wanted to, I could have decided not to interact with him at all when we switched. But Toby didn't want to leave the guy behind so I decided you know what, why the fuck not? Ugh. Granted I guess there's nothing gained without taking risks, but I fucking digress. It still fucking hurt, not just him but me too, being that I'm sitting here acting like it's just perfectly fine that I had to show up at all and trying to make it more comfortable for someone who, to ME, is actually a perfect stranger. That's my JOB. To make nice and keep things together. I refuse to beat myself up over it though, I'm just as human as anyone and if trusting someone was a mistake then egg on my face I guess, but worse for the person who LOST that trust.

This shit should be over actually, but the hurt in his heart just putting extra stress on the day to day means I've still been doing a lot of backup work. He wants to forgive him one second and then remembers how scared he was the next and sends himself down another spiral so I have to take front until he's calm again and I'm fucking TIRED of it. There's like 11 of us in here someone ELSE take front for a while. Fuck.

[greybae-palamonk]

Welcome to my blog of fuck shit

[greybae-palamonk]

This is my first post and I'll keep my thoughts and whatever over here so the rest of the system can't bitch about it. I'm Greyson I'm 26 and have been, and I'll tell you what it is when it is. I'm sick and tired of being relegated to just being the emotional cleanup crew so now everyone gets to hear from me directly. If I'm gonna be made to front cause life is too unbearable to deal with, then I'm gonna have fun with it. Will I frequent the blog? Who fuckin knows but now no one can say shit cause it's my own blog.