Breaking News: Time Stopped 1400 Days Ago
Reno, NV–Spokespeople from tech companies Apple, Google, and Facebook confirmed to Max Media on Saturday afternoon that time stopped ticking 1400 days ago. In order to quell public panic, the government seems to have pressured the tech giants, as well as all other technological companies, to artificially continue time on people’s devices as if nothing had changed.
The story was broken by a man named Greyson Beffa (his name has been changed here to protect Beffa’s identity and preserve his safety. He fears the government will track him down and ask him to atone for his massively damaging revelation. He has been on the run for now what would have otherwise been about 18 hours.) Beffa, an ordinary man with an intermediate knowledge of the devices he uses in his everyday life, noticed two days ago that the date on his smart phone had reverted to April 26, 2012, exactly 1400 days ago. All of the pictures and posts on his own social media accounts were time stamped as 1400 days ago on Instagram, for instance. Thinking little of it besides an innocuous glitch, Beffa tweeted his theory that time had stopped and he’d inadvertently been made privy to the truth about time. Several of his followers, probably thinking Beffa’s “joke” was funny, retweeted the post.
As it turned out, thousands of people had actually experienced the so-called glitch and Beffa’s theory, while the most fantastical, was also seen as the most plausible. The tweet has since gone viral, having been retweeted 1.6 million times and liked more than 3 million times since, well, April 26, 2012, if we are to be truthful.
Several media outlets picked up on the story, and “hours” ago, President Barack Obama confirmed the conspiracy and admitted that time has indeed stopped. Additionally, the president admitted that no one knows why, the least of which being the technology companies asked to conspire in the ruse. Why the public had been duped, Obama was unclear about. Perhaps there was concern that pawn shops would be overwhelmed by watch and clock owners who no longer saw any need for the items and the pawn shop economy would falter. Your guess is as good as anyone’s until further information is provided.
When asked about the general implications of time stopping, Randy Butler, physicist at Northern Nevada University, said, “Life as we know it appears to have remained the same, though it’s been April 26, 2012 for what has merely felt like 1400 days. Not even Newton, Einstein, or Hawking could have predicted this would happen, but for the everyday person, life will simply go on. Most people will probably find the article you write to be totally unintelligible and nonsensical.” If Butler is right, we may well wonder what the purpose of time, watches, and clocks ever was.
As for Beffa, when asked what he plans to do now that his theory has been corroborated by the authorities, he responded, “I’m going to live forever.”
Max McLaughlin is an irregular contributor to Max Media, as are all of Max Media’s writers. Contact him on Twitter @maxwellmcl.
