Almost 26
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel right now.
Birthdays used to be easy. You counted down, made plans, ate cake. You thought about what you wanted to wish for, even if you didn’t really believe in it. But somewhere along the line, birthdays stopped feeling like a celebration and started feeling like a measurement. A weird, silent evaluation of where I am versus where I thought I’d be.
I don’t feel like celebrating this year. But I also don’t want to be forgotten.
I keep trying to talk myself into being okay with where I am — to tell myself that growth isn’t linear, that healing takes time, that I’ve survived a lot just to make it this far. And I believe that. I do. But I also feel a little off. A little hollow. A little like I’ve lost the plot.
There’s a part of me that wants to just sleep through tomorrow. But there’s another part that wants someone to remember. To say happy birthday. To mean it.
I’m not expecting a big revelation tonight. But I am trying to stay gentle. To let myself exist without needing to feel proud or joyful or even reflective.
It’s okay if I don’t feel much right now.
It’s enough that I’m still here.