Let’s talk about friends
Let me start off by stating I’m an introvert and I cherish/need my alone time.
However, that does not mean I don’t like to hang out with friends or spend time with them. I love hanging out with friends. But I do need time on my own, too.
Lately, I’ve been struggling. With starting university in a different city came meeting new people / finding new friends - or even just people to sit next to during lectures, eat lunch with and stand next to. After all, there is a certain pressure to socialize.
Making friends has never been easy for me. I don’t party, drink or smoke and quite honestly it seems to be a deal breaker for some people. Constant questions as to »Why don’t you?«, »Not even beer?« »You don’t have to drink much.« honestly fucking suck. If you’re one of those people trying to pressure others, make them look childish or boring, putting them on the spot: Stop. Unless I choose to share my reasons with you, back off and accept it.
It’s hard to explain why a 17 year old girl has absolutely no desire to go partying / clubbing or meet up to drink. I get that it’s rare, I get that it excludes me. But I just don’t. And I don’t want to change my mind. I don’t feel like it’s right that I have to, just to not be isolated from those who are. The thought alone makes me so extremely anxious, I get nauseous.
I know there will be people who’ll say »You don’t have to drink because others are.« or »You just have to find people who don’t like to party too.«
So far, I haven’t encountered any who don’t. Most of the people in my year are between 20-22 years old and honestly I - for the first time - feel like the gap between me and them is massive. It’s not that I feel like a kid, but that I feel a lot less experienced - which makes me feel anxious and insecure.
Another setting I don’t do well in are bigger groups, aka more than 4-5 people. I drown in them. Just last night I was waking through a Christmas market with some “friends” and we were around 10 people. And I spend every minute, from the second I heard that they wanted to head to a bar afterwards, planning on how I could get myself out of that situation before it got to that. I know some people will say »Why didn’t you just go?« or »Just say I’m not in the mood maybe next time.«, but as someone who already struggles with social anxiety I didn’t want to make it obvious to the entire group and be bombarded with comments and looks and questions.
I was doing so well. At the beginning of the semester I had found a group of four other girls who I was hanging out with and I was so proud of myself for fitting in. And then suddenly we had to be cool and go clubbing with some guys to get into their good graces, and everything became about fitting in with everyone and who can get hammered the quickest.
With that also comes a certain attitude towards grades and work ethic. Most of them are just kinda winging it, seeing where it takes them and want to have fun. I personally know where I want to go. And I wanna do my master at an elite university for which I need excellent grades, I’ll be transparent about that. I get that that’s not the path for everyone and I absolutely respect that. But I’m just not okay with others telling me how to feel, to relax, to not worry so much about grades, to not obsess, to to to.
Quite honestly it’s the same way it’s always been in school. And maybe it was foolish of me to think it’d be different.
If you read the entire rant, thank you. I just had to get it off my chest.
Side note: please don’t tell me to »just try going out with them to fit in« or »find other friends who’ll be different«.
