Some dating/life stuff I wanted to get off my chest that would be a bit much for my personal blog
Maybe this will turn into a bigger thing about where my head’s been lately since I’ve been meaning to schedule an appointment with my (gender) therapist for months now but just haven’t gotten around to it. Every time I see him, I talk for an hour and he just tells me I’m doing a great job processing everything, so that’s probably left me with a false sense of security with my own cognitive ability hah.
I’ve been seeing this girl for a little bit. She’s a co-worker and I actually asked her out month ago. We hung out a few times but she always said she was really busy with school and then we just drifted. I didn’t dwell too much, I was content with having the excuse to fall back on even if the reality might have been that she just wasn’t attracted to me at all. She graduated this year though and last month she asked me out. We’ve been on a couple dates since and she’s pretty great.
This isn’t what I wanted to get into originally, but I guess it adds context. I don’t really feel, er, as strongly about her as I have about some girls in my past. That seems like a huge red flag, but I haven’t had any really serious crushes or potential relationships in months so maybe I’ve just really grown a better sense of self. I was always really co-dependent so maybe I’m finally at a good place with myself and when I fall for someone it’s not going to be this all-consuming thing anymore. That’s a nice thought, but what if I’m just so insecure now that all I want is to have a relationship? Whatever. I like her.
I get all worked up and think I’m gonna have all this stuff to say, but it always just comes down to disclosure. I’m so happy in these early stages because they’re normal in a way that post-disclosure will never be. The way she looks at me sometimes, I feel like crying because there’s no part of me that honestly believes she’ll look at me the same way after she knows. It almost doesn’t even really matter if she’s okay with it, because all the insecurities are my own. Speaking of things that make me want to cry, I often think back to a time with my ex (whom I started dating before everything so she sort of went through it with me) when we were in bed and she reached under my pants and over my boxers and said “I want to make you feel good too. The way I see it, this is just you getting a hand job.” And I tried so fucking hard to let it happen. God I closed my eyes so tight and thought about how much I absolutely loved and trusted this girl and how badly for months I had explored every inch of her body and how my favourite thing to do was feel close to her. Then I pulled her arm out and apologized like I always did.
I know it was an intense high school romance, but I had never felt so strongly about someone. I still never let her do anything. I thought about how great it made me feel to make her feel good, and even knowing that I was denying her the joy of giving that wasn’t enough. I always tried so hard, she told me to slow down a couple times and in hindsight I wonder if I was just trying to give enough that she wouldn’t feel the need to anymore. As if I was trying to love her out of loving me back? She knew. She knew who I was and who I was trying to be and everything about all of it. She might have even recognized it in me before I did. I guess I just really do hate myself that much.
I keep playing it out in my head, the timeline of my relationship with this girl right now. She just left for a trip, so I have some time to mull everything over. I can picture telling her, I can picture her needing some time but eventually being okay with it. I’m practically drunk off the thought of kissing her for the first time and undressing her in bed and I love everything about how it unfold and then when it gets to the inconvenient part where I should be taking my underwear off I just stop thinking about it. If I think she’s only going to see me a certain way, it doesn’t matter how she actually sees me or if it even changes how she sees me because I hate myself too much to even let her look in the first place.
lol what the hell
