#guiltynomore

[benchie3024]

Intermediate cardio workout on a MonYaY🏋🏻‍♂️🏃🏻‍♂️🏋️‍♀️ #sweatingoutlikeawater #burnburnalltheweekendcalories #guiltynomore #pushpushpushtoreachmygoal https://www.instagram.com/p/Bwjwm98FWm3CsNFO18FzTJwWfh7yVq4M8R10b00/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1tly215ja51nw

[sarahssideofsense-blog]

5.19.2016

I bought my very first car!! I'm a proud csr owner, and I did it on my OWN. No cosigner, no parents needed. I will have to manage money even better...but I'm elated. It's an amazing feeling to get approved for financing for thousands of dollars. Maybe I can be a grown up. Maybe my life is moving forward, and I'm not so sad and stuck. Maybe it's just my shiny new car. But, I'm going to bask in my happiness and be proud of myself. I can navigate life, at least more than I thought. I broke down 6 days ago and asked my "mother" if she'd cosign for me. Well, I apparently opened the floodgates to hell by doing so. I knew I shouldn't have, but I was somewhat desperate and dint want to settle for leasing. It was a disaster. Sitting in a huge auditorium while my mother bitched at me on the phone for 20 minutes. I kept my cool. I stayed polite, and tried to be "understanding" for her. She doesn't get it. She told me that I'd fail. That when I left on my 18th birthday, that no one would help me or be there for me, because they aren't blood. And blood is blood. Well, fuck that. She walked out mentally when I was 15. We had been close all my life, and she disappeared. She can't stand that she was wrong, and I made my own family and support group. It kills her to see I don't need her crappy influence and nosy attitude. I am over her. I have been for a few years. If I had any lingering guilt buried deep down, she washed it clean with that phone call. And, I think I might've had some. I still would send my mail to her house as an excuse to visit her, get dinner, or watch a movie sometimes. Back to that home filled with horrible childhood horrors, and my darkest parts of my past and myself. I have worked so hard, and given up many times to escape it. It's so bad...I have forgotten a lot. Just blocked it out. My best friend remembers things I have no recollection of, at all. She can't see that. She has this tunnel vision, and selective memory of what she wants to remember. I'm the horrible one because I walked away to better myself. I was depressed, anorexic, and suicidal for years because of the bad family God had me born into. My best friend saved me, her family saved me, and they continue to do that. Blood isn't always stronger than bonds forged from nothing. I digress. I'm very happy. New car, best friend just graduated, greatest nanny job ever, and it's SUMMER. Finally. I worked very hard to get straight As this semester, and I succeeded. Now I fill my days with work work work. But, I have a pretty car to help me get started in adventures. A Texas wedding next weekend. A concert in June. Seeing FC Bayern play in Charlotte at the end of July. And so many moments in between to fill with happy, precious memories with the ones I love. I'm going to hold on to that. Screw blood, screw boys who don't respond, and screw being held back. It's time to begin.