Happy Halloween Olivie! I feel like it's been forever because I've been so inactive both on tumblr and fanfiction wise, but hope you're doing well!
It's been a crazy couple of years for me actually - among other things also because I was in a situationship (I think that's what it's called) with a younger guy who was supposed to move away eventually and who ended up doing so recently- surprise surprise lol. So idk if this counts as me confessing a crush, but for someone who has crushed on boys easily for years and yet somehow been very very (almost too) careful about actually getting into a relationship, this was much harder on me than I expected. I went into it with the 'I don't care how this ends, it makes me happy rn' mentality that's just NOT me at all so idek what I was expecting tbh, but I realised more and more how easy it was to be with him, how I'd fallen for him without even realising it, how comfortable I was being myself around him, how he felt like a friend I'd known all my life AND someone I wanted to get to know everything about - basically all the stupid cliches I'd heard about that didn't seem that stupid anymore
His leaving was a sword hanging over my head for the last 1.5 years, and in a way I'm glad it finally happened because I know I wasn't thinking straight or considering other more liable long-term options because of him. But this also felt like the worst heartbreak I've had so far because it felt so out of my control- had his circumstances or my career been different, it may really have been something - but I don't blame him at all.
So I'd like to ask if you (or anyone you know of) have a similar story about feeling like someone really could've (to quote Taylor Swift) been The One if not for circumstances, and how looking back on it after a while makes you feel.
I have been wondering this for a bit now but have the ask character limit/formatting limitations gone away?? that’s great news okay now let’s go into your story. it has VERY MUCH been ages since I’ve seen you and I’m so happy you’re here!! okay let’s do this
let me start with: I totally crush easily. I always have a crush. several crushes. pet crushes. I used to wonder how it was possibly to love one person forever until I realized you can still have crushes and it’s fine because it’s not the same thing; part of the fun of a crush is the cerebral part, where it only exists in your head and is perfect, which is also what most situationships are because some element of intimacy (the commitment part) is missing. but anyway yes okay so you had a crush and lol, I know, we all tell ourselves we don’t care how it ends but of course we do, all of this tracks... yeah, I can see totally this as something that hangs over you. I completely understand. I’m a daydreamer myself. there are lots of people in my life that I think I could have been happy with, even if it’s not the happy I ultimately chose. and because things are left open-ended or without the conclusion that satisfies you, it’s easy to imagine they’re more perfect than they actually were, or to imagine what they would have been if you hadn’t already known it couldn’t really happen.
I really thought I was going to end up with this one guy I knew in college. I still don’t understand what happened with him? he was so, so smart; I don’t remember exactly how we got to be friends—a class, probably—but then gradually he started taking me as his date to things. like, fancy things? galas he got invited to by the university, a secret society he was part of, big networking things—I’m kind of a great date for schmoozing, he was totally beloved by all the VIPs, and we always had fun together. I remember one night he showed up at my sorority house with flowers and it was totally that scene from Legally Blonde where all my sorority sisters were screaming about the boy who showed up in a tux to take me to this event. when we spent time alone together I was like wow, we’re planning a future together, aren’t we? like, this is what it would be like if we were together. but he had a lot of personal issues; a very private but very serious substance abuse problem, difficulties with intimacy. overall it was not a good situationship for me, even if I was perfectly content while I was inside it. I think about him all the time; he’s like the daisy to my gatsby. the last time I saw him he was dropping me off on my doorstep—he kissed me goodnight, told me I looked beautiful, and that was it. now he’s just gone, and like, it’s not just that he’s gone, but the whole future I imagined with him is gone. the galas and parties and feeling like part of a power couple is the opposite of the marriage I eventually chose, and yeah. sometimes I imagine there’s an alternate version of myself living that life, though it kind of satisfies me to think that version of me probably isn’t happier. she just didn’t know yet who she really was or what she really wanted. she didn’t know what kind of love would actually make her feel safe
after him there were a couple of others. someone in law school while I was dating mr blake, someone I worked with after I had gotten married. just crushes, people with chemistry who I knew would have chosen me if I’d asked. I’m an imaginative person, so yeah, sometimes I think about the fact that I could have made other choices and gone down other paths. I really think that letting yourself travel down that AU of your life is worth it; you just have to be honest about how it actually looks. and in this case it’s probably too fresh for you to feel anything but sad, but that’s okay. some sadnesses are important, they teach us something about what we really want. everyone in your life touches it and changes you, and I think it’s perfectly fine to honor that
