Slut Era
Pairing: No pairing | No rating | Words: 1.1k
Warnings: Language, use of the word 'slut' but in a funny way, mention of Josh's rat-tail
Summary: Danny finds out that the fandom has picked up on his sluttiness; comedic shenanigans ensue.
Author's Note: Just a dialogue-heavy crack fic that I wrote purely for my own enjoyment.
~~~
“Everybody’s saying that I’m in my slut era. You hear that guys? They know I’m a slut now.”
In the midst of relative silence between the four boys, Danny’s statement came with a tilt of his lips and a sparkle of amusement – his new discovery would put an end to the calm, and he was fully aware of that fact.
Sam honked, winking at Danny from his spot on the floor, feet propped up on the couch and bare. “Now. There’s no shame in being a late bloomer, Daniel. We love you all the same.”
“And now look at me – sluttier than you,” Danny cooed.
“Who’s sluttier than who?” Josh asked, finally looking up from his phone after searching through his list of podcasts and not finding anything more interesting than the conversation he’d only just registered.
“Danny’s sluttier than Sam,” Jake explained casually from beside Josh. “They’re saying that he’s in his slut era.”
“Who’s they?”
Jake rolled his eyes, already fed up with his twin’s obliviousness two sentences into the conversation. “If you had been listening–”
Sam interrupted Jake’s exasperation with his own, though, saying, “Who the fuck do you think they are? It’s not like I’ve suddenly identified as non-binary without telling you guys. The fans, Josh. The fans know that Danny’s a slut.”
Josh nodded in understanding, gaze sliding over to Danny. “He has been lately, hasn’t he?”
Danny shrugged, rather nonplussed at the label. “I’m enjoying my single rockstar status and will not be apologizing for it; in fact, I’m proud to be in my slut era. It means I’m the most desirable of the band,” he grinned, knowing that the Kiszkas wouldn’t take that lying down.
He was met with three immediate boos and giggled at the reaction.
“If being single and a rockstar is what qualifies you for a slut era, then we share the desirability, Daniel,” Josh scoffed, crossing his arms.
“No, it’s what you do with your single rockstar-ness that qualifies you. Which, if my calculations are correct–”
“Observations.”
Jake scowled at Sam for interrupting him. “What?”
Sam raised his brows, a classic ‘duh’ in his expression, which pissed Jake off even more – Sam knew full well what he was doing, because Jake had always been extremely hot-headed when it came to people patronizing him, but especially Sam. “You never calculated anything. You’re observing,” Sam corrected. “So, according to your observations…” He waited expectantly for Jake to go on.
“Sam, fuck off,” Jake said with a flick of his middle finger. “You’re being insufferable again. Anyways, as I was saying, according to my calculations, Josh, you do not qualify for a slut era,” Jake sniggered, brushing off Sam’s Sam-ness as he always did. “I, however, am still in my slut era because I get regular sex and have been the most desirable since…ever, actually.”
Again, a chorus of boos rang around the bus.
“You are not in your slut era,” Sam scoffed. “You’ve literally been a monogamous man for the past four years or some shit – you get regular sex with the same woman, which doesn’t count. Maybe when you were in high school. That was your slut era.”
Danny burst out in giggles and gave Jake a smarmy grin. “Yeah, Jake peaked in high school.”
The others joined in on the laugh, making fun at Jake’s expense. But Jake just rolled his eyes and sat back, a pout on his face. “I did not peak in high–”
“Jake peaked in high school! Jake peaked in high school! Jake peaked in high school!”
Once the chant was established, Jake gave them all an unamused glare and made to get up, but Josh pulled him back down next to him. “Oh, don’t be such a spoilsport. Besides, what would Jita say if we told her you got pissy because we said you don’t fuck other women?”
“She’d said, ‘Oh, Jake, I know you’re still in your slut era and I’m thankful for that fact every day–’”
“No she would not!”
The others had continued snickering at Jake’s high-pitched falsetto and how they all knew he was joking. When they’d all caught their breath, Sam sighed. “When would my slut era be? Cal A. Bungah, maybe?”
“Absolutely not,” Jake denied immediately. “But it can’t be before you lost your–”
Sam stopped him with a finger. “I still don’t care that you whored around in high school while I remained an angel until I was 19. I never will, regardless of what those shit interviewers said that one time.”
“An angel,” Danny scoffed. “Don’t forget I was still your best friend who you told everything - even when I didn’t want to hear it - before you went all the way.”
Sam grinned at him. “I’m trying to make a case for myself here, buddy, help me out.”
“No. For calling me a late bloomer, you sure are throwing stones at glass houses.”
Sam stuck his tongue out and Danny swatted at it, starting a small push-and-pull spat between the two until Josh picked the conversation back up.
“I think you and I were in our slut era at the same time,” Josh told Sam, recentering the conversation. “You don’t remember the 70’s fuck-boy outfits you were rocking when you were– what, 20–ish?”
Danny sucked a breath in. “Yeah, the one-button-at-the-bottom open shirts with the long hair, colored glasses, and the dangly necklaces were pretty peak slut era for you, Sammy.”
“And I was in my slut era with my rat tail around the same time,” Josh mused.
“Slut buddies!” Sam cried happily, grinning and holding his hand up for Josh to slap. Josh gladly gave him a high-five and settled back in while Jake waved his arms in the air, locking eyes with Josh so that his twin knew he was speaking directly to him.
“Your rat-tail was not the reason you were in your slut era Josh,” Jake enunciated deliberately, making sure that Josh didn’t get on his delusions again that the hairstyle had been a lady-killer. “There were some women who liked the rat-tail, but it was not the reason for your slut era. Repeat after me: I was a slut with a rat-tail. Not because of the rat-tail.”
Josh did not, in fact, repeat after Jake; he only stuck his tongue out and said, “So, in peak slut era order, it would be Jake, me, Sam, Danny? But Sam and I were kinda interchangeable.”
The others nodded in agreement. “I think that’s fair,” Danny said.
It was quiet for a few seconds before Sam giggled under his breath and finished off the conversation with, “I think we should try to get a crowd chant going next show. Danny, lead us off?”
With an understanding between them nearly as strong as the twins, Danny pumped his arm up and down in the air.
“Jake peaked in high school! Jake peaked in high school! Jake peaked in high school!”
~~~
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