The Level of Idiocy at the Pool Today Made Me Lose My Faith in Humanity
My swim this afternoon was ruined by a plethora of Chekhovian archetypes. The ridiculous cast of characters turned what was meant to be a relaxing lunchtime workout into a Russian tragicomedy of aquatic proportions.
The Cast (almost in order of appearance)
The Rotund Pool Regular, late 50’s An avuncular older gentleman often seen lounging in and around the pool area. Just as happy shooting the shit in the sauna as shooting Siberian foxes while sniffing pumpernickel bread. Prone to entrapping the uninitiated into one-sided conversations that move at such a pace as to indicate he has nowhere to be, spoken in a cadence that can best be described as “Hawaiian”. Has some real chestnuts of wisdom to impart if only he would take that stupid snorkel off and get to the bloody point.
The Lover, mid 20’s A newbie who finds himself in a brutal love triangle between the cold, antiseptic waters of the pool versus the warm, slimy embrace of the Jacuzzi. He spends his entire time in a delicate dance to appease both very demanding, but very different, mistresses.
The Old Maid, 28 tops Does her business, keeps her head down but her eye on the clock. Clowns in her midst are but a small burden to bear considering all the many other of life’s hardships. Avoids trouble and vacates the pool according to regulations as is her duty and nothing more.
The Ingenue, early 20’s Looks the fool in a string bikini and no swim cap, but is wily and resourceful beyond her innocent façade.
The Crazy Old Bat, ancient Jumps into a full lane and does whatever the fuck she pleases with laughter in her crazy eyes and hate in her shriveled heart.
The Dreamer, 30’s Backstroking in the middle of the lane as if he was lazing in the lake at the summer house, he pays no mind to spacial relationships as only the most aristocratic among us can afford to do.
The Asshole, 20-40’s Dives headfirst in the middle of a crowded lane, caring not that it is already at full capacity. The Crazy Old Bat and the Ingenue scatter like mice as he chops at the water like his arms are hatchets, making waves that disrupt the entire pool. Then he pees in it, because he can.
The Ruined, 35 The once hopeful middle-aged woman who enters the water with a pure heart that by journey's end is replaced with a fetid turd of hatred towards her fellow man.