From A Droid's Point Of View
For Sapphic Ahsoka Tano Week, Day 5 - Master; Sokabine. Amazing gifsets done by the dearest @halepo - thank you so much for these, ori'vod, and for being my first mate in keeping this tugboat sailing.
The surreal, multicoloured blur of hyperspace peeked through the teeth of the purrgil as the T-6 was parked on the space whale's tongue. Huyang had finished his story from his archives, having chosen the story of when the first Nightsister had managed to tame and ride the purrgil from one planet to the next. The ronin Jedi in the pilot seat was a surly quiet, and Huyang’s instruments told him through the Togruta’s heat signature, heart rate, and eye movement pattern, that she was preoccupied with other thoughts.
Huyang replayed the memories in his circuits to himself, going over the last few days’ events that led them to their current predicament, and Ahsoka Tano’s current mood.
The benefit of being a droid, his interactions were all data that he could record and store. Every once in a while, he’d cypher through the millennia of memories he had, download the ones he found were no longer of use, and would store them on chips he kept in his office. He never got rid of any data permanently; experience had taught him that with the ebbs and flows of the galaxy over time, priorities change, and so do the lessons that need revisiting.
He replayed the first night that he and the Lady Tano had spent in Lothal, when Lady Wren had been injured. It was not standard operating procedure for Lady Wren to contact the droid for combat support anymore, but he had supposed it was because she and the Lady Tano hadn’t mended their bond yet.
Besides, Lady Tano was deep in conversation with General Syndulla at the time, a discussion the latter had asked for some private from the droid. Lady Tano, like all masterful Jedi, was often very stoic in times of pressure and stress, however Huyang had noticed the slight widening of the Togruta's eyes, the tone of her voice revealing an inner turmoil she was wrestling with, and the bio-readings his thermal scanners picked up showed that the Jedi's fight response had kicked in.
When they'd reached the comms tower, Lady Tano had raced straight to the unconscious Lady Wren’s side instead of giving chase to the other Force user and her HK droid. That decision had not come as a surprise to the professor droid. What did surprise Huyang, however, was the sullen response Lady Tano was having to Sabine's decision to hand over the star map.
The decision for Ahsoka to take Sabine Wren on as a padawan had always puzzled Huyang. The Togruta and Mandalorian's relationship was as close and intense as any master and padawan relationship Huyang had ever witnessed, but he presumed that it was born from a mutual personal affection neither women knew how to process properly.
They didn't need to assume the roles of teacher and apprentice to have an excuse to spend time together.
But the two women were determined to make it work, and their commitment to their duties and each other was admirable.
Until that day when it had all come crashing down...
Huyang had stopped trying to replay and assess that day on Endor, when he'd come out of his office because he'd heard shouting, to see an utterly devastated Lady Wren flee the ship, tears streaming down her face and her breath a sobbing wail, and finding a similarly distraught Lady Tano having locked herself in the cockpit, curled up in a corner on the floor by the door. He had never seen the Jedi so controlled by her emotions before, overwhelmed and inconsolable. It had taken days before the droid could coax what had happened out of the clearly heartbroken Ahsoka Tano, and even then she had given him a very brief summary of the event. He had agreed with Lady Tano's decision to distance herself from training Lady Wren for fear of the Mandalorian's wellbeing, with Sabine being so caught up in her anger and her grief, but even Huyang's programmed emotions had been saddened by their separation. Although he and the Lady Wren often misunderstood or frustrated each other, he had enjoyed her presence aboard the ship, and appreciated that she was a capable warrior and an effective Fulcrum agent.
What he had missed about her most, though, was how happy she had made the Jedi.
"You are still agitated," Huyang finally broken the silence. Ahsoka turned her head sharply towards him, a clearly vexed yet confused expression on her face.
"Your mind still troubles itself over Lady Wren's decision," he prompted.
Ahsoka sighed audibly through her nose. "How can I not be? She gambled the fate of the galaxy away with a selfish decision." The Togruta fell quiet again for a few moments, and just as Huyang was about to pry further, she continued. "You say for her, it might have been the only decision. But it wasn't. Her intellect fiercely outstrips anyone I know, she could have thought of another way. What this decision suggests of her state of mind, to her current way of thinking, it concerns me."
"You cannot criticise her too harshly, considering you own recent decision," Huyang spoke up in the Mandalorian's defence, and the Togruta turned to look at him again, her wides wide in bewilderment. "Explain," she ordered tersely. Blinking his amber, robotic eyes at the Jedi, he elaborated. "Only days ago, you also gambled the fate of the galaxy for the sake of one person, when you ran to Lady Wren's aid outside of the communications tower, instead of pursuing the mercenary and the droid. You knew they were escaping with the map."
The Jedi straightened in her seat, no doubt miffed at the droid's observations. "I had no other choice, Sabine was gravely injured!" Emotion was creeping into the Togruta's voice, with even the mention of that night triggering a release of distress. "You had options," Huyang countered firmly. "You could have given chase to the enemy, and you would have caught up to them. A single HK droid and the dark sider apprentice would have not been a match for you. You would have recovered the map and we would have regained the initiative of the situation, rather than being on the back foot and still giving chase. I could have attended to Lady Wren in the meantime. It would have only delayed getting her medical attention by a few minutes, and due to the location and cauterising nature of her wound, she had those minutes to spare."
Ahsoka stared at the droid, her face slack with shock. "I know you feel there was no other choice, because your programming would not allow you to choose any differently. The same can be said for Lady Wren's decision on Seatos," he finished off, satisfied with his logic.
The Jedi held the droid's gaze for a few moments, before turning to look out the windshield again. Her voice crept out again, this time quiet and raw and wholly vulnerable, as she stared unseeingly through her reflection.
"I love her, Huyang," Ahsoka finally admitted.
"I couldn't leave her there... I love her..."
I know, Huyang thought. "Have you told her that?'
Again, lekku flicked around as Ahsoka snapped her head back at him, staring at his question. Her blue eyes were watering, and after a few quiet moments, a couple of tears crept down the Togruta's face. Her gaze began to dart around as she searched her own memories, wanting to find an affirmative answer to his query, her mouth starting to drop open as she couldn't. "I..." she gave a false start, a small sob escaping her lips before she tried again. "Not in those exact words, but..."
"Those exact words are what Lady Wren would need to hear," Huyang bluntly cut her off. "You show your care through your actions. Lady Wren shows it through her words, and with who she gives her time to. You have not spoken to her in years, nor given her any of your time." Ahsoka had sunk into her seat, looking smaller in stature and energy. "I think about her all the time," she confessed, her voice just as defeated as her posture. "She is my first thought when I wake, and the last one I cling to when I fall asleep. I've tried so many times to cast her from my mind, but I can't. I cannot let go of my attachment to her. This is why I'm a failed Jedi. What hope did Sabine even have when her own master couldn't practice such a critical component of Jedi teaching?"
At last, Huyang had gotten Ahsoka to expose the underlying fear she carried. It made perfect sense, considering what had happened to her master. Ahsoka would not have grown up with the best examples as to how relationships grounded in love should be handled. Her own master formed unhealthy attachments with his love, squeezing his attachments so tightly in fear of losing them that it consumed him.
Ahsoka was misunderstanding the Jedi meaning of attachments and love. To love was to connect, whilst to become attached was to try and deny the flow of the Force through control.
"You are not your master, Lady Tano. Through all the pieces of his story we've collected over the years, we know Anakin Skywalker could not let go of his attachment to his secret wife, which led to his fall. In comparison, you pushed Lady Wren away for the greater good at the cost of your relationship and happiness. Selflessly you let her go, knowing the pain it would bring you. You are allowed to miss her. And now, the Force has brought you back together. My suggestion is - don't fight it. You two are better together. The only thing you need to let go of is your fear of your own failure."
Silence tears were now flowing unchecked down the Togruta's face, and she sat curled in on herself for a long while, processing Huyang's words and sniffing back her running eyes and nose. Huyang sat with her, staring out into the darkness of the purrgil's mouth. When her breathing had calmed and her face mostly dried, Huyang spoke up again, this time making sure his voice offered more kindness rather than matter-of-factness. "You should go rest. You're still recovering from your prolonged time in the Seatos ocean, and you'll need your strength for when we reach our destination." A nod accompanied a sigh, and the Togruta slowly rose from her seat. "I think I'll run through some forms first, and then I'll get some sleep." She let a hand linger on the droid's shoulder - her typical gesture of appreciation the droid had gotten used to, before she walked with heavy energy out of the cockpit.
Huyang knew, however long their purrgil-enabled journey would be, that his Jedi companion would spend most of it releasing years of pent up emotional trauma into the Force through movement and meditation. Ahsoka was finally healing, and hopefully she would be recovered enough to mend the bond between her and her beloved padawan.
In lieu of having lips to smile with, the droid's wires sparkled with hope.
He was looking forward to having the Lady Wren back again.
