#halpimconfused

[halpimconfused]

Me: *Makes new friend*

Me: *gets comfortable and talks about my DID*

New friend: *very accepting and asks questions, and very interested in a get-to-know-me way, not the living-science-experiment way*

Me:

[halpimconfused]

TODAY I LEARNED THAT MY FAVORITE COWORKER HAS DID TOO!!!

She made a joke while we were were working, something along the lines of “yeah that’ll take the 3 of us” (but it was just me and her physically there) and then she corrected herself like “wait no sorry... I uhhhh.... miscounted.. my bad. Yeah.. Definitely just the two of us.”

Then I joked back before thinking like “no. If anything, you’ve severely under-counted.”

And we both looked at each other. Just Knowing. And then we’ve been talking about it since. Apparently she was co-con with one of hers and that’s why she said 3. Then tried to correct herself because she didn’t want anyone to know at work. And we’ve both been hiding it this whole time we’ve been working together.

Holy shit, the one time I have to courage to crack a joke AND WOW THE ODDS. What a day!

[halpimconfused]

Well: I have a mystery on my hands. An alter started my laundry. I switched back and pulled my clothes out of the dryer the next day.

I found a lone baby sock in my clothes.

I DO NOT KNOW ANYONE WITH BABIES OR TODDLERS.

So why... was.. a.. child’s sock in my laundry??!?

[halpimconfused]

Me and my roommates: *trying to order takeout*

Me: What was that one thing Bryant ordered?? That shit slapped when I came back and ate some. I want that.

Roommates: .... um I don’t remember.

Me: well fuck.. me either.

[halpimconfused]

So I’ve been seeing a therapist for a couple months now for anxiety and untangling my stress with life lately, but I’ve um kinda left out my alters and my dissociation and all that those encompass.. and I kinda feel guilty. Like I’ve been lying to her.

Like I’ve been absolutely terrified about telling her about it. Fucking terrified.

I’m afraid that if I somehow tell her, that telling her about them and all my symptoms and the convoluted stress with dating (revolving around being polyamorous, one partner not feeling like he is getting enough time with me as ME lately, and that he’s playing second fiddle to my other partner) and my childhood I’ve been dealing with lately (the parts I remember anyway), that opening up about all that instantly equals hospitalization or somehow disappointing her and I can’t handle either. Or that I’ll HAVE to officially be diagnosed after and that it’ll go on medical records and that it’ll follow me and loom over my head and I just don’t want it define me BUT HOLY FUCK it would be nice to officially have a label for it. But that could be bad.

Two sides of a coin and I’m afraid of the coin in its entirety.

BECAUSE WHAT BETTER TIME for spicy thoughts and hella stress before my therapy session with her in the morning.

[halpimconfused]

One of my alters was out for a couple days, and then an alter of mine that hasn’t made an appearance in about a year visited. She’s 12 and she apparently paints now. Way better than I consciously can.

[halpimconfused]

I’m so grateful for my bf and my roommate. We have a wall calendar that we track bill due dates and work schedules on. They have recently been writing the names of my alters on the days they appear too.

It’s been really helpful both in helping me backtrack through what my body has been doing and seeing who’s been more active in a colorful visual way.

It means a lot that they noticed I’ve been struggling to maintain the communication with my alters/headmates on my own and helped me find a new way to help on top almost like a supportive line of defense. If an alter forgets, a roomie might remember, if one of them forgets then the other roomie might remember. Plus it’s in a part of the house we all see a lot of. So when I switch back, I can ask about what I’ve missed and update the calendar that way too.

~Myself and my other alters/headmates have been attempting to keep a journal or take notes in my phone but it’s not exactly been the most reliable. Some of us forget or we’re just lazy~

[halpimconfused]

Sooooo I’ve been in therapy and I have put so much love into myself lately and surrounded myself with people that are supportive and kind, and don’t tear me down, and help build others up and when I have trouble seeing it myself- show me that I’m full of so much worth.

I’ve been making a lot of changes since I last posted a year ago, and I’ve been making new friends and ousting toxic relationships- friends and dating-wise.

Ive also noticed I switch a lot less often and have been working through trauma in therapy and unlocking some memories that I had locked away in my brain. Still processing that but a lot of super positive changes even if some of them hurt to rip the band-aids off to get rid of the familiar bad.