TW: murder, transphobia, addiction
8 years ago today, a trans activist named Hande Kader was burnt to death in İstanbul and found in Sarıyer, where I live currently. I never forgot about it since, and I remember crying her name out in the marches with other women+, screaming until my voice went away. In the past 3 years, hate speech has been done deliberately by the Turkish governement itself and hate crime rates went insanely up. I have developed agoraphobia an drug addiction because of that. I do not remember a day where I did not think about my trans+ people’s safety and happiness. I only ever wanted us to stick to each other and I promised to protect and support trans people with my life, years before I came out as such. I am fucking HERE, and I’ll be here for any trans person, just not leaving them alone untill they basically tell me to fuck off. That’s how anxious I get attached to my friends. Today I had to leave my friend group made of 7 trans people, because of their avoidancy against each other and me. Even though I am mad, I’m actually disappointed and fucking heartbroken. All of us live in a CITY WHERE A TRANS WOMAN WAS BURNT TO DEATH. I can’t stop asking myself, who else do they have, besides each other? Who got their backs that makes them forget about each other so quickly, so easily? How am I so disposable? I feel fucking lonely here. Even though I feel like I’m taken for granted, I’ll keep hosting house gatherings and feed trans people untill I run out of money. Even though I feel used I’ll keep my door open for trans people. I’ll keep trusting and pouring my heart out into their hands, no matter how many times it gets broken. So many trans people was killed here, in the place I was born and grew up. Here in my home. A trans activist died in the hands of the government and others will keep on dying every day unless somebody does something. I do not give a fuck about my own pain and I’ll keep on standing still, my hands out to reach for help. Fuck my trust issues and keep on befriending people. We cannot afford avoidancy anymore. We need each other to survive. We are systematically left lonely and I hope our pain is heard overseas.
