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[wesleyanampersand]

More Junk Food Junkies Expected to Join the Candy Trade

America’s favorite night of fun and fright is projected to be scarier than ever this year. With the growing popularity of Paleo, gluten-free, and starve-based diets, the country has seen exponential growth in candy trading.  Candy Insider Weekly reported that candy trading has increased by 62% since 2009 among wealthy suburban families.  

“Our streets are littered with junk food junkies,” Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy tells The Ampersand, “This Halloween, law enforcement and EMTs are going to have to be on high. The spike in candy trading began on Halloween 2009, when soccer moms started giving out KIND bars and flavorless vegan wheat loaves in lieu of chocolate.  The women’s attempts to promote healthy eating sparked a turn for the worse. Thanks, “Michelle” Obama.

The chief of police in Greenwich, CT told us, “Every October we find young kids with bright futures meeting up with ‘Phatty Acid’—a popular local sugar dealer—behind Lulu Lemon.  Don’t they know that you get what you get and you don’t get upset?” Phatty gives the kids mass-produced candy in exchange for farmers market produce to feed his beloved rabbits.

If you see any children snorting Pixy Stix or shooting up Push Pops this Halloween, please inform the authorities.