The Wesleyan Ampersand

Wesleyan University's best and only humor publication.

[wesleyanampersand]

QUIZ: What Should You Major In?

With spring semester upon us, it’s time for sophomores to officially declare a major. Still not sure which path you should take? We’re here to help! Take this simple quiz to find out what you should major in.

1. How desperate are you to please your parents?

A) If I get all A’s they’ll take me to Cold Stone.

B) They say they’ll be proud of me no matter what and I want to push that to its limits.

C) My dad climbed up a really tall tree and says he won’t come down until I get into med school.

D) My sister goes to Brown.

2. What do you think of Foucault?

A) He looks like an egg and I’d kick his ass

B) I’d do anything to suck his dick

C) He seems like a fine gentleman with a nice smooth head

D) Who-cault? Ha ha, just kidding. I’m more of a Kant guy myself.

3. How gay are you?

A) 5%

B) 35%

C) 80%

D) 100%

4. Describe your wardrobe.

A) One extra large sweatshirt covered with cheeto stains

B) Earth tones, sad clogs, and lots of buttons

C) Skin-tight magenta jumpsuits and statement necklaces

D) Floppy hats and dungarees

5. What do you like to spend your Sunday afternoon doing?

A) Diving into a pool of money like Scrooge McDuck.

B) Reading an Emily Dickinson poem and crying

C) Dropping microscopes off of a balcony.

D) Just fuckin’ all day long

RESULTS:

If you got mostly

A’s: Economics. Enjoy your supply and demand curves, you dirty capitalist.

B’s: Philosophy, English, & Dance Triple Major. You’re a passionate, curious person with many distinct and equally impractical interests.

C’s: Biochemistry: Now you’ll finally have an excuse to wear those lab goggles!

D’s: Archaeology. I don’t know, it sounds fun!

[wesleyanampersand]

Prodigy Listicle Child Identified

Listicle fans rejoiced Monday, after the announcement that a prodigy listicle writer had been identified. Hailing from Salt Lake City in Utah, 13 year old Jonah has already been publishing award-winning listicles. His Parents, Kyle and Sam, described when they first knew that their son was destined to push out great content. “At just a few months old, he was already posting articles about the realization of depth perception and the top five nipples to suckle from,” explained Kyle. “I was so honored when my nipples were all five on the list, though I was surprised that picture accompanied each post,” continued Sam.  

Jonah has already received offers from several major listicle sites hoping to tap his seemingly limitless content-creating abilities, though he says that the most interesting offer he has received has been from NASA. “John Dalton proposed that the natural world was built of discrete, microscopic units called atoms. I propose that our reality, at the most base level, is comprised of vibrating nano-listicles, and I think NASA will allow me to explore that possibility more thoroughly than Buzzfeed,” explained Jonah.

When asked about his personal life, Jonah elaborated on how his talent made personal relationships difficult. “When I look at people, I don’t see John or Nancy, I only see the perfect reaction gifs for them. People show me their new puppy or kitten, but they are lost in the endless sea of cute animal lists I’ve posted. I have looked into the abyss, and within lies only listicles, and death.”

[wesleyanampersand]

Save Me from the Ampersand

Fuck. Fuuuuuuck. Fuck. Why? Why do I have to still be doing this? I don’t—I really, really don’t—want to be doing this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy winter break is over. What starts off as fun soon ends up being weeks of staring out of the window, never leaving the house. It’s good to be back. The reason I’m so annoyed is because I have to write this fucking piece of shit. “We were hoping some of you guys could send in some articles,” said The Editor. “Have fun with it.” Ha. I bet The Editor doesn’t even know what fun is. He thinks writing these articles is fun. That would be hilarious if it wasn’t so depressing.

Last semester, I made the biggest mistake of my life. As a first semester freshman, I emailed the Ampersand and was like “I’m awkward and I think I’m funny and clever and I like to write, can I come?” And they said: “Sure! We’re lots of fun.” And I’ve never been able to escape them since. Every week on Thursday at 4:30, no matter where I am on campus, The Ride van shows up and The Editor jumps out, ties me up, and forces me to go to that terrible room in Allbritton. I’m chained to a desk and forced to sit there for an hour writing articles, coming up with title ideas, and shoving limp sexual innuendos down the throats of our readers (Ed. Note: Weak, really weak, Hugo). None of it is funny, none of it is good, but if I fail to fill the space, The Editor locks me in a room for 24 hours with no light, no food, and with Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive playing on repeat.

It’s hell. I hope it will end. I hope The Editor will find this article good enough to release me at the end of this meeting. And I hope no one ever makes my mistake and joins the Ampersand—it’s an evil organization that changes you forever. The Editor used to be like me. And then he was promoted. Please. Help me. And stay away.

[wesleyanampersand]

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books (with Comments from the Editor)

The Dog in the Hat – This is a fine idea but I think it’s missing something.

That’s Not a Wocket in my Pocket – We won’t be able to market a children’s book that’s 100% innuendos.

Horton Joins a Queue

Horton Wears a Shoe

Horton Sits at a Pew

Horton Meets a Jew – Are these even ideas? It sounds like you just put together a funny name and some nouns. Also, I’m concerned about the last one after seeing those political cartoons you drew.

The Two Dogs Who Both Wore Hats – A second dog is not what this was missing. Keep at it, though, I think you’re almost there.

The Dog in the Hat Who Hated Japanese People – You know what, let’s just scratch this idea.

Yertle the Fertile Turtle’s Girdle – This sounds like it may be a bit vulgar. We’re going to pass.

If I Ran the Publishing Company I Write for – Theodore, we’re not publishing your weird turtle porn.

Oh, The Racist Things We All Think!  - See me in my office when you can.

[wesleyanampersand]

Oh, The People You’ll Blow!

Congratulations!

Today is your day

You’re off to Great Places

You’re off to find bae

You have sex on your mind

You are ready to cruise.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You’re on your own. 

In, out, just do what you know.

And YOU are the guy who’ll decide who to blow.

You’ll stalk ‘em on Facebook. Look ‘em over with glee.

About some you will say, “I don’t choose to blow thee.”

With your mind full of sex and your breath smelling sweet

You’ll just go right on down on a random slab of meat.

And you may not find any

on which you’ll want to go down

In that case, of course,

you won’t head straight downtown.

But if you do, know this: 

It’s warmer down there

So please, just avoid all that hair

Down there, with the hair, things can happen

and frequently do

to people as horny

and aroused as you.

And when things start to happen,

don’t worry. Just “oooh!”

Just go right along.

You’ll start coming along too.

[wesleyanampersand]

Hop on Roth

Hop on Roth

Roth on Foss

Hop on Roth on Foss

Stop to hop

Stop on Roth

Stop to hop on Roth on Foss

Roth is mad

Roth is sad

Roth is sad and mad on Foss with moss

Roth cut funds

Roth has fun

Roth has fun when Roth cuts funds

Hop on Roth

Roth on Foss

Hop on Roth on Foss with fun and funds!

[wesleyanampersand]

In Major Pivot, Netflix to Offer “And Chill” Service

Many years before the internet became as fast and reliable as AirWes, Netflix was known as a DVD rental service. Of course, that’s all changed. Netflix is now a streaming service that is home to millions of examples of quality home entertainment, such as Legally Blonde 2. But Netflix is clearly missing that personal, physical touch to consumers as they just announced today that they will be adding a “And Chill” service their website and mobile applications.

So, look. Everyone knows that, “Netflix and chill” is about sex. What is sex? I don’t know. But that’s where Netflix is stepping in to help. Netflix has realized that while “Netflix and Chill” doesn’t usually involve Netflix, sometimes, someone will want to take a break and pop in the latest episode of David Attenborough’s Planet Earth BBC wild life documentary. During those breaks, you’ll have time to adjust the mood so your partner is up and ready once the 45 minute episode is over. Simply open the app and choose who you want to chill with next.

Netflix offers its chill service for only $99 per hour. For that, Netflix will send you a partner to chill with (in case you’re tired of your current one), based on the same algorithm that recommends shows for you to watch. Simply look under the sections called “Top Dicks For You” and “Top Chicks For You” and figure out who you want to bunk in your bed. Just tap on a person to get a 360° panorama of them naked. Netflix’s Chill service is mandatory for all users, and the service has already collected the 360° nudes of everyone. While some users may feel like this is a violation of privacy, Netflix’s CEO, Reed Hastings, said: “Too bad, so sad, naked people are great.”

[wesleyanampersand]

Business Term Glossary

In today’s fast-paced corporate world, it can be hard to keep up with all the terminology. Here is a handy guide to understanding some common phrases used in business!

Fiscal Year – Businesses use a lunar/solar calendar consisting of months that begin at the new moon. Each year has 12 or 13 months, to keep it in sync with the solar year. Years are counted from the date of Creation.

Synergy –  The religious festival that celebrates the deliverance of Business from the bondage of the Egyptians.

Enterprise resource planning – the initiation ceremony of a businessman who has reached the age of 13 and is regarded as ready to observe religious precepts and eligible to take part in public worship.

Vertical integration – Immersion in the mikvah, a ritual bath used for spiritual purification. It is used primarily inconversion rituals and after the period of sexual separation during a woman's menstrual cycles, but many Chasidim undergo vertical integration regularly for general spiritual purification.

Inflation – A sin offering. A type of sacrifice used to atone for and expiate unintentional sins.

401(k) – A movement of Business that began approximately 2200 years ago. It is the forerunner of rabbinic Business, which encompasses all of the movements of Business in existence today.

[wesleyanampersand]

Wesleyan Gives Up Liberal Arts, Becomes Business School

In major news, America’s 14th best liberal arts college, Wesleyan University, has decided to throw in the towel and switch from a liberal arts college to a business college. In a press release, Wesleyan president and liberal arts whisperer, Michael Roth, had this to say (please note that the quote has been edited for clarity and brevity):

“Wesleyan has had a terrific run as a small liberal arts college. Last year, I published my book, Beyond The University: Why Liberal Education Matters. It was a beautifully written masterpiece which proved once and for all that I am the best writer on this planet— certainly superior to that hack, David Foster Wallace. This year, I started considering what I wanted to write for my next book. My initial idea was to write a sequel, Beyond Going Beyond The University: Why Liberal Educations Matters Even More Than You Previously Thought It Did. But after I woke up one day following a nightmare about Alfred Hitchcock flying into campus on a bird designed by a Wesleyan Arts major, I realized that I needed to find a new subject matter. Wesleyan is all about changing the world, but since I can’t do that, I figure the next best thing is changing Wesleyan.”

This change is a massive undertaking for the school and for the students already enrolled. All artistic-ish majors will be transferred into a business self-help major (there’s only so much that can be done for those lost souls). All humanities majors will be transferred into a Business Linguistics major. And all science majors will go into a Science of Making It Rain major. In addition, many of Wesleyan’s buildings and events will be permanently changed. For example, the Crowell Concert Hall will now host mock quarterly investor meetings, the Davison Art Center will showcase the student resumés that most effectively follow the standard template, and the Wesleyan Film Series will become a weekly display of the most intellectually stimulating PowerPoints, ever. No word yet on when Roth’s book will be released, but he assures us it will be required reading for all students and applicants as soon as it’s ready.

[wesleyanampersand]

More Junk Food Junkies Expected to Join the Candy Trade

America’s favorite night of fun and fright is projected to be scarier than ever this year. With the growing popularity of Paleo, gluten-free, and starve-based diets, the country has seen exponential growth in candy trading.  Candy Insider Weekly reported that candy trading has increased by 62% since 2009 among wealthy suburban families.  

“Our streets are littered with junk food junkies,” Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy tells The Ampersand, “This Halloween, law enforcement and EMTs are going to have to be on high. The spike in candy trading began on Halloween 2009, when soccer moms started giving out KIND bars and flavorless vegan wheat loaves in lieu of chocolate.  The women’s attempts to promote healthy eating sparked a turn for the worse. Thanks, “Michelle” Obama.

The chief of police in Greenwich, CT told us, “Every October we find young kids with bright futures meeting up with ‘Phatty Acid’—a popular local sugar dealer—behind Lulu Lemon.  Don’t they know that you get what you get and you don’t get upset?” Phatty gives the kids mass-produced candy in exchange for farmers market produce to feed his beloved rabbits.

If you see any children snorting Pixy Stix or shooting up Push Pops this Halloween, please inform the authorities.

[wesleyanampersand]

It’s Season 4, Why Haven’t Mulder and Scully Hooked Up Yet?

As a means of alleviating the stress of my hectic schedule, I have recently begun watching five episodes of The X-Files on Netflix every day. Currently, I am in the middle of the fourth season. In the 80-odd episodes I have watched thus far, I have seen Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully investigate mysteries involving aliens, demons, and bigfoots, always with one goal in mind: uncovering the Truth. However, the show as of yet has failed to confront the most perplexing mystery of all: why haven’t Mulder and Scully hooked up yet?

This question torments me. It is utterly baffling that Mulder and Scully have not gotten to at least first base in the two years they have been partners. I mean, just look at the facts: mid-90’s David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are both so, so hot. They are perfect 10’s—Adonises, so to speak—I can’t even decide which one is hotter. What’s more, the sexual chemistry between them is overwhelming. Take the season 2 finale, “Anasazi,” where an exhausted Mulder collapses in Scully’s arms at his apartment, then awakens the next morning in his underwear, leaving us to assume that Scully stripped him herself. Or the season 4 episode “Terma,” where, after escaping a Russian prison camp, Mulder hugs Scully and exclaims “it’s good to put my arms around you.” Does this sound like the behavior of people who don’t want to bang with each other? Why haven’t they hooked up? Why???

And yet, instead of addressing this clearly pressing conundrum, the show is focusing on an alien virus or some shit. I fear now that even if Mulder and Scully do have romantic contact, it will be too little, too late. At this point, I am doubtful that the show will deliver the sweet sweet Sculder boning that I pine for.

However, with new episodes of The X-Files airing this January, there is still hope of resolving the outrageous sexual tension set forth in the original series. But for that to happen, we have to act now. I urge you all to sign my change.org petition, Let Mulder and Scully Fuck. Some say I am a fool for believing that this relationship is anything more than platonic. But to that I say, open your eyes, people. The truth is out there, and the truth is these two gorgeous FBI agents want to go to town on each other.

[wesleyanampersand]

Fun Things to Give Out Instead of Candy on Halloween

Don’t want to give out candy this Halloween? Here are some fun, totally practical alternatives for all of back the greedy little ghouls and goblins disturbing your peace this Hallow’s eve.

1. Tide Pod. Kids will love its vibrant candy coloring and parents will love calling poison control after their kid tries to wolf it down!

2. Apples. Nothing bad has ever been associated with this 100% pinky promise.

3. Totally real “zombie powder”. No, this isn’t dirt I found on the ground, that would be silly.  Like I would forget to buy candy, this was on purpose! Just take your zombie powder and go, you insatiable little beast.

4. Hamburger Buns. It’s about time to get rid of these bad boys, they’ve been in your bread drawer since no one showed up to your 4th of July BBQ. Laugh at confused children.

5. Political Ideology. Because no one’s gotten tired of hearing about the fucking election by now!

6. A life-sized cardboard cutout of Randy Jackson. Everyone’s favorite American Idol judge.

7. A small, demeaning cardboard cutout of Harry Connick, Jr.. The worst American Idol judge in the world. He can never replace the Jax. Encourage kids to destroy it for pleasure—your pleasure.

8. Small bottles of Dolphin Tears. Now they’ll never be able to trace that sea world incident.

[wesleyanampersand]

Is Dressing Up Like a Chicken Nugget for Halloween Reasonable?

The simple answer is no. Chicken nuggets nowadays are extremely complex. In order to pull off this nearly impossible costume, one must get past these steps:

1. Chop off your head so your most tender meat is readily available.

2. Rip out all your bones and place them aside for now. Don’t throw them out; you might need them later!

3. Poke a sharp knife into your butthole very quickly then pull it out. This causes all your blood to exit your body.  

4. Boil a large pot filled with water. After it reaches a consistent bubble, put yourself in it. After ten minutes drain the water.  

5. Put the heat on high, while you’re still in the pot, and melt yourself down into a liquid.

6. Saran Wrap and refrigerate yourself overnight.

7. By morning your body should be the consistency of slime. So scoop yourself into an icing bag.

8. Squirt yourself into various sections of an ice-cub tray.

9. Sprinkle breadcrumbs over you.

10. Place yourself into a preheated oven at 450 degrees. Leave yourself in for 12 minutes or until browned.

11. Congrats, you’re done! Now go out and get some nice treats with your friends and remember don’t get stuck with all the Almond Joys!

[wesleyanampersand]

Grilling Ghouls: A Guide to Making the Perfect Halloween Treat

It’s official: Candy is boring. Children and teens clearly hate it: they spend hours crushing it on their phones every day. What should you make instead to treat the kiddies? That’s an easy question to answer: just make a Pizza Ghoulherita!

Ingredients:


1 12-inch round of store-bought pizza dough (making your own is really too time consuming).

1 human-sized store-bought ghoul (making your own involves an endless trip down to the fiery pits of Satan—believe me, store-bought is best in this case!)

8 Slices of the finest buffalo mozzarella

3 tablespoons of blood


2.75 ounces of fresh ghost extract


10 large onions (to make the children really cry)


2 to 3 tablespoons of a freshly killed virgin’s facial oil

4 to 5 poison ivy leaves, roughly torn.

Preparation: 

Step 1: Stretch out the dough, making it nice and flat. At the same time, preheat your oven to 550 Kelvin.

Step 2: Whisk the blood and ghost extract together in a medium-sized bowl. At this point, it should basically look like normal tomato sauce.

Step 3: Put the sauce in the center of the stretched dough and use the back of baby’s head to spread it evenly across the surface, stopping approximately 1⁄2 inch from the edges.

Step 4: Take the Ghoul out of the cellar in your house where you have it locked up. (I realized I forgot to mention that you needed to lock it up beforehand. If you did not do that, you are already dead and this step is not applicable to you.) Carefully avoiding its thrashing claws, fiery breath, and pervasive stink, chop off its head. Quickly throw the head into the freezer for 20 minutes. While the head freezes, burn the remainder of the Ghoul’s body (if you don’t, it will definitely come back and kill you while you’re sleeping). After 20 minutes, take the head out of the freezer and center it on the pizza.

Step 5: Layer the mozzarella and the onions. Scatter the poison ivy leaves over the top. Delicately drizzle the facial oil over the pie.

Step 6: Throw the pizza into the oven. Bake until the crust is golden brown and the ghoul’s eyes are bubbling out of its sockets, approximately 4 to 8 centuries.

Step 7: Serve the Pizza Ghoulherita to the children. They’ll love this perfect Halloween treat. One warning: eating this pizza may turn the children into ghouls. While it seems unfortunate, you can save one of them in your cellar for next Halloween’s Pizza Ghoulherita.

[wesleyanampersand]

8 Holidays Spookier than Halloween That Got Banned by Uppity Parents

1. All-Spooks Eve. Just a slightly scarier version of Halloween. The ghouls are ghoulier, the candy is a little more stale, and the whole world is just a tad bleaker. Loads of fun. 

2. Anti-Easter. This time, instead of coming back from the dead, Jesus just stays dead. Not as popular as the original. 

3. Doom. The anniversary of that time I stumbled in front of the whole football team, including Brad. No, I don't want to talk about it. 

4. Giant Sloth Day. All animals are the size they are meant to be. Anything else is blasphemy. 

5. The Fourth Coming of Chindada. Everything that can burn, will burn. Everything that can't burn will get lightly singed. Remember to wear your lead pants. 

6. Tiny Sloth Day. Probably even spookier than Giant Sloth Day. A tiny sloth can ruin your day.

7. Existential Day. The only thing scarier than ghouls and goblins is confronting your own mortality. Yuck. 

8. Troubadour Day. Need I say more?

[wesleyanampersand]

Last Minute Costume Idea

Have you waited to the last minute to get into the spooky Halloween cheer? Are you worried about not having a Halloween costume come Saturday? This Halloween, consider a new type of costume: a plumber's uniform. Join the Plumber Brigade and always have a costume, any day of the year. The commitment and sacrifice of serving in the plumbed forces will be worth it when you roll into Pine Palace decked out in a full fledged costume. Costume contest? WON! Crush? IMPRESSED! Respect of your high school gym teacher who said you’d never amount to anything? EARNED BECAUSE NOW YOU’RE A HANDYPERSON! IN A UNION!

So this Saturday, win Halloween by contractually obligating yourself to a lifetime as a plumber. You may be literally elbow-deep in shit the other 364 days of the year, but Halloween is YOUR NIGHT.

[wesleyanampersand]

Senior Somehow Still Wearing Lanyard

Having somehow remained oblivious to pervasive social norms for nearly four years, Brandon Lucero ’16 is reportedly still wearing the lanyard provided to him during freshman orientation. Friends and loved ones say they are puzzled and concerned by this behavior. “When we first got here, it seemed like everyone was wearing their lanyard—we just didn’t know any better,” reports Gregg Thompson ’16, Lucero’s freshman year roommate. “After about a month, nearly everyone had come to their senses and stopped wearing them—except Brandon. At the time, I thought maybe he was wearing it as some sort of normcore statement. But I don’t think so anymore. I think he genuinely likes it.”

Lucero has purportedly also had trouble forming meaningful romantic relationships as a result of his lanyard. “When we DFMO’d at Eclectic, I felt an instant spark,” says recent hook-up Taylor Branson ’17. “He invited me to come chill at his house, and I thought he might have been the one. It was when we stepped outside that I made the horrifying discovery: he was wearing a lanyard. I left without a word. It was just too embarrassing.”

When we interviewed Lucero himself about his absurd habit, he had this to say: “it’s just a really convenient way to keep track of my ID and keys, you know? Like, if I’m wearing them around my neck, there’s no way I’ll lock them in my house. Can you imagine how awkward that would be? I mean, who would I even call if that happened?” Lucero then had to leave, telling us that he was late for a party on “The Fountain.”