#happtnewyear

[eldarya-clothes]

[littlegiantnyc]

Happy Birthday to Me.

My birthday is tomorrow and for the first time in a long time, I am not excited. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have the birthday blues or anything. I am just in this weird space that I can’t quite put my finger on how I feel about it.

Anyone who is reading this that knows me, knows this is not a typical Ja’Nai response to my birthday. In fact, it’s odd af for me to feel so detached from the day being that I usually treat my birthday like a national holiday. Birthdays have always been a big deal for me, even if its not my own. You know that warm and fuzzy feeling that Christmas carols, specifically the one that Boyz II Men version of “Let it Snow” gives you? That’s how a feel about birthdays. When I was younger I never really understood why I loved birthdays so much but now that I am older I understand that it’s that fuzzy feeling that reallyyyy sells it for me. It’s your day to be celebrated and appreciated for growing one year older and most importantly wiser. It’s literally your personal New Year. The cake, presents and balloons are cool too but for me it’s the love and appreciation for your existence that people exude on your birthday that warms my heart.

Now If you’re here reading like ...

saying “well if you love birthdays, why are you not excited about your own?”

 I guess the short version is my expectations for that exuberance of love and appreciation is beyond low. Since January 1st, I’ve been feeling like a target like every way I turn there is someone who is pointing a finger at me saying “You’re the problem” and it has sent me into complete and utter defense mode. 

Actual footage of how life has been for the past three months:

I’ve felt alone, forgotten, attacked, unappreciated and honestly, misunderstood. I’ve been prideful and I’m not a prideful person. Some may call my bluff on this statement but let me use the first google definition of prideful to explain my point.

Prideful  [prahyd]: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit,or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.  - Dictionary.com

Growing up I was a shitty friend. I had a best friend that I had met in kindergarten who honestly created a friend group for me. I’ve always been outgoing but in a teachers pet kind of way, and not so much a personable way. In social settings I could easily fade into the background but because my best friend at the time was popular and outspoken, I always felt like I was apart of a group. When we split up and went to different Middle Schools, it was my first time having to make my own friends. I pretty much floated around, making friends here and there but the people who really took interest in being a friend to me, I treated poorly because I felt a certain dominance or control over them, which believe me is wicked as shit for me to even admit but HEY I’m a younger sibling and power seldom came my way, so don’t judge me. ANYWHO, by the time I got to HS my elementary friends were distant and I began to forge friendships within my HS school. By the time I got to 11th grade, I literally had a crew, I mean we had a whole name and everything. We made friends with girls from other areas so that we could travel in a pack to parties and get togethers and although I only left HS with 3 friends or so... I will always be fond of those memories of walking way too far, being way too loud and feeling WAY too free. I felt like I was apart of something and when that crew fell apart I was a little uneasy about friendships and whether I would ever find ones that would stick.

>> FAST FORWARD to my first semester at Gettysburg college (A.K.A the sunken place). I was legitimately hurt and humiliated. The PWI (predominantly white college) life was draining my soul. I was missing my home and felt stuck. That is until I met these two girls who changed me more than they’d ever know. They sat me down and told me I was sheltered, selfish and basically needed to broaden my horizons. They checked TF out of me when I was doing the most but most importantly, they taught me that friendship was about being consistent, supportive and honest. Because of them I learned how to be a better friend within my other friend groups. I graduated two years ago. Since, I have been navigating multiple friendships and it was not until a couple of days ago that I realized that I had lost what they taught me in an attempt to protect myself from what feels like attack. I’ve become prideful and reflective of the energies others have shown me and that’s not who I am or really who I aspire to be. If I had to guess what my purpose is, it is to help others and I cannot do that trying to constantly self preserve as a means to protect.

Somewhere between May 18, 2016 and today, I’ve lost sight of what allowed me to let my guard down and fix things even if I feel like someone is attacking my character. Today I am pledging to myself to find that strength. It is easy to point a finger at someone else but it is hard to find your own fault in a situation and apologize genuinely without feeling like you’re surrendering. We are advised to protect our peace, to seek good vibes but in doing so I believe you have to first understand what brings you peace. My peace is found in the memories, opportunities and time that I am able to share with the ones that I love the most. So as I enter this New Year I am not excited, I am humbled and grateful. For things that I have been able to repair and/or replenished. I am thankful for the ability to reflect on my experiences and build a stronger understanding of what I need to swim and not just float. To the things that still may linger, I will try to resolve it and find my peace in even the smallest willingness for those to attempt to understand me.

Walking in my truth is not easy but as I approach my New Year I look forward to doing so without fear of attack. 

[mathewtamin-blog]

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Most entrepreneurs that hustle like me don’t take days off. #happtnewyear #hustle #entrepreneur #neverstopdreaming #nodaysoff #entrepreneurlife #2019 (at Tamin Studios) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsEx2Z4FPb5/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=wu53wf8tcc36

[westernecho]

#HapptNewYear (at Merrimack, New Hampshire) https://www.instagram.com/p/BsEYemxHZkgD_x55XC3bwylspNJvlilxYIbhnI0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1isp9re43drl4

[raastaasim]

#Repost @thetravelbottle (@get_repost) ・・・ Baby you’re a firework 🎇 What are your 2018 resolutions? PC: @izkiz • #thetravelbottle #fireworks #happtnewyear #paris #7thwonder #ifiltower

[taketym]

Happy 2018!!! Let the new chapter begin! Goodnight everyone #taketym #Goodtimes #goodnight #sweetdreams #SleepyStick #NewYear #HapptNewYear #GoodThingsToCome #NewYear

[lordbrummelarenzano]

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#happtnewyear #2018 #hope (presso Lord Brummel)