UNCUT.
There’s always a little more to the story when writing, and I wasn’t sure whether to open this up for other people to read. But as its relevance occupies as much space as the other, more lighthearted stuff, I’ve decided to make it an addition.
I find in travelling and adventure things can unexpectedly come up to haunt or test you, and this had been brewing for me with an issue of male dominance. Maybe part of it is not liking being told what to do in general. But then in a work environment that shouldn’t really be an issue.
The feeling first arose after dinner when I felt like the person in the self-labelled ‘patriarchal seat’ was dominating the conversation. Dominating the floor and also interrupting people to own the power to speak. This was when Istarted thinking and analysing, probably overly so to my own disadvantage. Everyone else at the table was gripped by the conversation and noticeably in a state of enjoyment. My eyes fell to the ground and i felt a deep, familiar sadness grip my heart. I couldn’t think of any words to say or any actions that would make the moment more enjoyable or lift me from the slump that had developed.
I quickly started to feel invisible and almost inhuman so went to shower Victorian-style, taking a candelabra to the stone bathroom. The water poured over my face and I tried to understand why I was so unhappy. It was so familiar: that’s why I knew it couldn’t be a direct issue with the person at the head of the table. When I realised it could be a projection, it clicked.
I decided to speak directly to the person in question about the issue. This was brought up after a big lunch at La Candadosa - as a friend once said: ‘only discuss important things after dinner or a buffet’. At the time I felt that it went well as we all said how we were finding things and the response to the dominance issue was that sometimes you can feel like you’re being dominated, but thats not the case at all. And sometimes you have to decide whether to let yourself be dominated.
I tried to sort of find a way with this in either being sassy as a response to dominance or simply saying what I think. This kind of worked for a while but maybe because we’ve been getting on with other stuff. The weekend we had a lot of time off and I tried to organise it so we got to do things we wanted to do like walk up a mountain in the morning then rake the grass later whilst listening to the minirig (heaven).
But now its Tuesday and back to work and before we’ve actually even begun working I’m feeling that drained voiceless feeling again. Just during breakfast. Ive tried to understand it in my own head and I think it comes from that feeling that the other person totally underestimates who you are and something in their tone implies that they think you are inexperienced and naive. How do you go about fixing that? Or making it an environment you enjoy?
‘Listen pal. I may only have a few years but I got a lot of experience. You don’t need to tell me how to do everything.’>>Obviously not. I don't wanna not get on with people or feel bad energy or not be motivated to work but here I am using the guise of feeling ill to hide out in the cabin and ramble my thoughts into a googledoc. Friends, please advise. Do I look for something else? Do I take this challenge as an opportunity to change and heal? Am I being a silly? I just want to have lovely times with lovely people where we have a laugh and speak on the same level. Peace.