#hashtag vented

[shutupnoyoudidnt]

Idk if it’s shyness or autism that mades me hesitant to ask for help but it’s been an ongoing thing. I actively make my life harder or take the shittier option because i dont want to bother anyone with some minor inconvenience because from my perspective im high maintenance enough as it is. Im a picky eater, i have trouble making decisions, im scared of conflict, im squeamish as fuck, im weird with certain textures, i miss social cues sometimes and come across a bit strange, im terrible at giving advice, im not good at starting conversations, i actively avoid talking to people with any type of authority because it scares the crap out of me, im nervous about small things, i panic about time in any form, i procrastinate, im insecure, and i cry a lot. I spent five years with hearing problems purely because i didnt want to bother my parents with it. I kept telling myself i’ll tell them when it was a better time. Five fucking years and it was something that could have been solved in 2 minutes. I spent a little over a year squinting at the board in class and getting headaches nearly every single day even though i was drinking water and was actively trying to prevent them purely because i thought it was something i needed to bother anyone about. I now have glasses i need to wear permanently. When i was 11 i got scratched up pretty bad by one of our bunnies, i still have the scars to show for it, and i didn’t tell my mom because i had already been scratched up the week before and thought i shouldn’t bother her with the same type of injury when i could just take care of it myself. I spent three days hiding the bandages under long sleeve shirts. I chose my college study on a whim because i didnt want to make any more decisions. I dont know if its going to be something i actually want to do.

[shutupnoyoudidnt]

my parent didnt know how talkative i actual was when i was younger because the only time i would say more than a sentence was when i was at school with my friends. i barely talked at home and i was incredibly shy around new people, even my teachers at school would comment "lovely young girl, but very quiet". and sure i had moments of unending talking, but that was mostly with my sister and even then she tended to talk over me a lot so after a while i just stopped contributing when what i had to say was clearly of no interest to her. even to this day i have trouble feeling comfortable enough to say what i want. theres always the fear that i'll be ignored or talked over. my sister has gotten better at noticing when she does it, but my parent are still relentless. my dad is the loudest about it, he likes to bulldoze you out of your own sentence by talking over you about something completely unrelated. my mom is more subtle, you might have gotten a gap to finally say something when she suddenly remembers part of the story she forgot that is immediately relevant and has to be shared that very second. it's gotten to a point where i feel overwhelmed and self conscious in my ability to talk in a group setting because theres this looming dread that i'll never get to say what i want when its still relevant or i'll say something and no one will hear me. and it happens. constantly. i actually love talking. but im always scared, so i tend to stand back and listen instead, even though im shit at staying focused for long periods. my parents didnt know how lively i was when i was younger until they saw me playing with my friends. because at home i was quiet and kept to my self. my parents dont know me as a social talkative person because thats not someone i can be at home.

[shutupnoyoudidnt]

I love my best friend, fantastic story teller, turns mundane 2 second interactions into 5 minute spiels that have u on the edge of ur seat. But whenever a story has a side rant and i was even slightly involved she will stop telling her story so that this side rant can be explained and, every single time, she will turn to me and say “you say it.”, and no matter how many times i say no no you go on u were already explaining it, she will keep going “no come on u say it.” Until i inevitably have to tell a story i was unprepared to tell and have not fully brought into clear view in my head. I’m also garbage at explaining anything. So this means i tell a shit story and lose my thought process every two words and stutter so bad i want to sink into the ground and die and turn completely red in the face because now everyone is watching me.

Every. Single. Time.