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EF#16

-Trashbin Entry #16

Okay. Ya’ll need to hear this. Yesterday, I’ve conjured all my courage just to go to work that day. Even if all the bullshit lies I’ve been telling them are coming back to haunt me, I still went to work.

When I got in, my supervisors weren’t still in. I thought they weren’t coming actually. It made me happy. I felt relieved that my anxiety suddenly fucked off. But of course, they came. Anxiety came back, and blasted down my door. And because of that I did something at lunch time.

Now Imma explain that our office had a “whenever you feel like to eat, be a pig” kind of rules, so it was lunch time. I told my supervisor that I was gonna buy something but apparently my voice was too low cause I was fuckin’ afraid of nothing, so I think he didn’t know. (Well whatever) I got out of the office and stayed at a convenience store for over an hour and a half (1 hr and 30 minutes). I came up with an excuse when I came back (OFC).

I cam back and they asked me, “where have I been”, I told them that I was staying at a cafe and had a problem. So that was the cause of why I was late. They accepted it, like it was nothing. (in the back of my mind, ok. Alright. It’s workin’ ) But then my supervisor talked to me, about the email I’ve sent him concerning about my work and shit.

(OBV again I lied at that email), He told that for the next day, I should just stay at home for work. Obv he meant that I should finish the goddamn delayed work and send to him pronto. I had mixed feelings.

1. Finally, im not gonna see them for another 5 days

2. OBV they hate me. they want me gone.

I was already feeling like crap that day. I got back from the CR and a coworker asked me if I’m fine. I said yes but I suddenly sniff (or was that called gurgling? I had mucus in my nose, I was kinda sick?), so all them suddenly backed off. OFC I was shocked and my feelings got hurt. Like “do I look like I have fuckin’ rabies or something”. I understand that You dont wanna get infected but boi you boiled my bubbles.

My coworker who was sitting next to me treated me like I was some kind of Ebola infected patient, she told me “For God sake, use alcohol man”.

I was really hurt. Like WHY. My anxiety and depression got even worse. Their voices kept replaying in my head.

I DONT WANNA GO BACK THERE ANYMORE. BUT I NEED TO.