#hateaddicion

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

A song from the addict… Simple, yet powerfulgo through waves of emotions. I just can’t stand having my son 4 hours away. I hurt and I miss him so much. It is sometimes hard to put into words the fear that I have, knowing that he is abusing alcohol and drugs daily. Every time I talk to him, he is happy to talk to me. I am glad we communicate, and I feel good when we do. I always have this fear, that he is doing more than he leads us all to believe. The lie he is so capable of living and the danger that he could potentially be in is so unsettling. I can’t see him and know what he is up to. There is no one to hold him accountable but himself. My weekly meetings to Naranon help me so much. I try not to spend a lot of time, in this place I am now… Sometimes, I do need to be here. It does not help or change anything, to live in fear. It does help to pray and live with hope. The song I posted, was perfect for me, because the most important thing I can do, is continue to pray for him. I have to replace fear with faith. I have to stay hopeful and stay out of his business.

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

Emotional Triggers

I have been so emotional. I truly understand why. I miss my kids, I feel that empty nest and although I am so happy for Caitlin graduating from college, I want her little, and long to see her back in braces. I intellectually get it. My son, though, I feel robbed of my time with him through his teenage years. His addiction started early, and early on, due to boundaries that I intellectually believe it, he has not lived here in quite some time. I just miss him. I miss him singing in the shower, to his loud rap music... I miss his charm, his smile and his energy! I know that in active addiction, he was very hard to be around.... But these days, I am missing my Stephen. I can't go back, I know that. But I cherish those memories, and I can allow my mind, to wander back at a memory, just sit on it. I can feel it and touch it. But when I do that, it also unbalances me... While I go back, and try to touch those beautiful memories, I also end up so emotional and worst yet, the areas that I have conquered, trigger. My fears and worries, of addiction. I learned, that this morning, that I am just not ready to sit and linger over those memories, not quite yet... I want them, but I can't handle it right now. As I wipe a tear, knowing that one day, God will allow me to be OK with my memories, without it triggering so much in me... Emotional Triggers... They hijack the brain. I actually read something today, that helps me intellectually fight, understanding the brain is key. Here it is https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140729215836-4230325-understanding-neuroscience-helps-manage-emotional-triggers I read something today:As I turn toward acceptance, I reconnect with my impulse to love. It is time for me to extend beyond my loss, to stop defining my life by it. In the heart of surrender, there is an urgent life force wanting to push out and express itself. It is love. I allow for this alchemy to occur, for transformation to happen, in subtle and simple ways. So all these emotions... Life force, love, God. I pray that today, I channel my energy in His love, and surrender. I pray that do will use these emotions for good. For His will, for my life.

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

12 Steps towards Serenity

I am in recovery too? I’m the mom of an addict. Why do I need recovery? That is a common question from families of addicts. I started NarAnon 17 months ago. Looking for answers to save my son. He was going down a dark road. Little did I realize, that I was too… I am working a 12 Step program with my sponsor, I’m on Step 10. I have peace, that I have not had in 4 years. My son is still using. I pray for him, I am still scared to death with his choices. But I have come to realize that a higher Power, greater than my self, can restore me to sanity. God is my higher power. (Step2), but first, I had to admit, that I could not control my son, I am powerless over his choices, and my life was a mess. (Step 1) I could not sleep, migraines daily, pain in my whole body. I wanted to save my son, realizing that my behaviors and my insanity was probably making him worst!I was obsessed. It took my money, my time, my thoughts; his addiction, became my addiction. I am slowly making progress. I have more hope. My serenity allows me to pray with faith. It’s been a journey, one that I need daily perseverance for. Thank God for 12 Step programs. I believe that God has him, in the palm of Hand… Thank you Jesus.

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

So hard, but true...

[a-n-dh-o-p-e]

Addiction and college life? What?

So your off to a new chapter, one I don’t agree with at all. So many things are wrong about it. Don’t even know where to start. I’ll start with entitlement, then enabling. Dad setting him up, away to an apartment, for “college” without finishing high school. No job, no diploma and he is in his own room with his own bathroom and a debit card with a $200 monthly food allowance. Enabling an addict… The reason he didn’t finish school, is addiction. 3.2 student in January, failing his senior year by March. Drugs, binging, rehab. After rehab, his choice to still use… Back at dads house… No rules, no boundaries. 6 weeks out of rehab, and now faking the college life. Five hours away… What? At this point, I’m so shocked. My choice was to not enable. I am not giving him money, I am not letting him live with me, I would support sobriety, he did not choose it. I told my son: I want you to remember 2 things, I am here for you, call me to get you out, to take you back to rehab and, remember that Jesus's arms are wide open, ready for you, He's always waiting for you...Kissed him goodbye, he wants to prove to himself he can do it. I hope so, God, I hope so. May God surround him with Angels. God, please grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen