trapped
i began to sob in my hands as the light plastic stick falls to the ground. my hands shake, my whole body does. how can this happen to me? actually, i know how. matter of fact, the how was standing right in front of me holding the test, with a gleeful beam on his face. i want to believe that this is just some sort of sick joke. that there's a couple of cheap cameras and some of his gang tucked away out of sight. no, this is all real. this is my life, my downfall.
my chest begins to burn and my head spins. all i hear is him, his voice. those god awful hyena-like chuckles. i lift my head up and he immediately catches my glare. he throws me the most worrisome and sincere face he can manage.
“baby,” he says, laced in poisonous honey, “baby what's wrong?”
i want to scream as he crouches down to me. as his big, warm embrace takes me and guides me to the very bed that i made the worst mistake of my life on. he knows what's wrong.
he pulls me into his arms, rests my head against his chest, and starts to attempt and lull me to peace. and, he succeeds. i didn't exactly find tranquility, but i cried until my eyes ran dry, body went numb, and mind went blank. what was i supposed to do? fight him? demand he fixes it? that won't do anything, so i bawled my heart out. for a long, long time. there would be pauses when i'd get bursts of anger and scream and cuss him out.
goddammit! or u fucking asshole!!
“i hate you!”, i shout, hitting him on the chest.
no matter how much i yelled or cussed at him, no matter how many times i beat on his chest or how many things i threw at him, he would always end up pulling me back into his gentle hold, kiss my head and all. i don't understand. i lean up from him a bit and stare him in his eyes. my gaze is no longer filled with animosity and rage but curiosity, and tad bit of agony. the tiny smirk and what appeared to be genuine care would have earned a spark, or maybe even a few tears, if i wasn’t so emotionally drained. i took a deep, trembling breath while i assay his face.
“why?”, i ask so lightly it almost sounded like a shudder.
his eyebrows furrow together. it's almost as if he's actually confused.
“baby, what do you mean ‘why’?” he chuckles softly, readjusting his arm around me.
i'd scoff if i could. he can't seriously be trying to bullshit with me, not right now.
“why me?” i lean into him a bit more.
he exhales quickly through his nose, almost as if he's trying to stifle a laugh.
“i love you so much,” he threw his head back, “and you don't even realize it.”
there it was.
enough to make me feel something again.
i scoff, “if you loved me, you wouldn't of done this to me.”
he raises his head as i scowl at him over my shoulder. he scoots back a bit, putting space in between us.
“done what?” he asks a pinch too playfully.
he's slowly losing his facade. soon enough he'll retreat back to his old controlling bastard self, and i'll actually have to argue. i’ll break, i always do with him. he likes it when i lose. it's his favorite game.
i shake my head, ”for fucks sake…”
he gently holds my jaw, ”darling, baby,” he pulls me closer to his face, “what did i do?”
i feel my stomach knot and throat clump from all the words i try to swallow. dear God, we haven't even started yelling at each other and i'm already breaking, no! i take a deep breath and close my eyes. in and out. i open my eyes to see his stupid, stupid, stupid face.
i open my mouth to speak but no sound follows. shit, shit, shit, shit. and then, he laughs. the fucker laughs like it's the funniest damn thing he's ever seen. something about this feels off, he wasn't this patient before. isn't he gonna snap and try and guilt trip me? what's going on?
i ponder for what feels like hours but it's only seconds until it finally hits me.
my lip quivers and tears begin to fall, “baby, please tell me this is a joke.” the distress from my eyes flows heavier as more and more panic sinks in. “y-you’re just kidding right?”
my breath hitches as he scoots back, closing in on me.
i laugh desperately in denial.
“haha, you got me. now where's the hidden camera??” i attempt to joke as my voice breaks and is ready to give out.
he dips his head at me a bit, looking at me as if i am the one doing something wrong. my mind races. what do i do? why now?
“baby,” he says sweetly caressing my right cheek, “breath”
my breaths were erratic and short, much like my thoughts. i want out. i want to leave. i want this to stop.
he pulls me closer and gives me a soft kiss on the forehead. a long kiss. long enough for me to start having another crying fit.
i wail and sniffle as he would hold me close, rocking me in his arms and listening. it got to the point that he just placed me in his lap and let me cry against his chest as he scrolled on his phone.
i lift my head from his chest and lay the side of my face against him. i cried all i could. eyes empty. the noise from his phone cut off as he turned it off and placed it to the side.
he sighs, “do you feel better?”
i don't want to answer that question. i don't want to speak, but i do.
“i-i can’t be a mother..”