He had been numb. He had once felt something he thought was love for Kate and wanted nothing more than to be with her. His desire for her was so suffocating it ruined any friendship he had. Then he found Crys. Their relationship wasn’t as passionate and fiery as his and Aurora’s or as adrenaline and excitement fueled like his and Kate’s but it made him feel whole. He found someone to love him for him and who he loved for her. They were almost a family the way he helped her raise Luna and how he had been with Luna since she was only a baby and had the chance to watch her grow, the closest to fatherhood he had ever been, but none of that mattered. Crys was dead and he sought comfort from between Kate’s thighs and on her familiar lips. Their night together felt so familiar and right but so wrong. He went into partial whiterun to avoid his emotions for Crys and he was numb for it.
Laying in Bed next to a sleeping Kate he couldn’t find himself drifting off to sleep. He found himself with his arms around Kate and her ebony locks in his face as the familiar and comforting scent of Shampoo filled his senses. No matter how much he wanted to pretend he was spooning Crys so he could fall asleep the familiar scent of Kate’s shampoo was a constant reminder that she wasn’t her. Crys was dead and he fell back into his greatest temptation. The snake that offered him the forbidden fruit. Or at least that’s what he wanted to believe. It wasn’t his fault for this, it was hers. That would be so much easier. While she made the first move he was instantly pulled into the moment as they used each other for to vent their frustrations and tragedies.
Rolling off of her bed as quietly as possible he made his way to the shower. If he couldn’t sleep the least he could do was clean the scent of his guilt off of himself. The scolding hot water pouring down on his body brought him little discomfort as the room filled with steam. He thought that maybe, just maybe, he could lift the emotional haze that was hanging over him. Let himself feel fully the weight of everything going on. Then maybe, just maybe, he could determine if all of this whiterun business was necessary. As his mind cleared and he began thinking less clearly but more emotionally the weight of loss pressed down on his chest like no other as his tears blended with the water from the shower head. Falling to his knees he burried his face into knees and - for the first time in his life - truly let himself cry.