Keigo's father was a loud man, in more than just volume. His temperament was loud too, the type of loud that was unescapable.
It bled into the walls of that house and stained them with rage.
It thickened the air that filled every room until every bit of life that found place in your lungs was weighed down from his rage.
It bled into every breath, every word and every noise that found home within those four, bleeding walls. It was the hum from the refridgerator, the squeaking of broken cupboard hinges when they were slammed closed and the creaking of the floorboards beneth his fathers shoes.
His father's loudness was his rage and it engraved itself into everything he was and everything he would ever be, tainting his very core with the loudness of his rage.
Keigo's mother was a quiet women, unlike his father.
He never knew if his father's loudness just simply drowned out his mother or if everything about her was just simply quiet.
Like his father's loudness, his mother's quietness bleed into everything around her, like a wilting flower killing the rest of its bunch.
Her quietness simmered in every action that she refused to make, every dinner left untouched and every night her child went untucked.
It was the thudding of her childs heart in an empty bedrom, lacking the sound of a lullaby being sung, a book being read or even simply the sounds of a mothers love.
It was the stale air that followed after his father's loudness, the stillness that lingered between peeling wallpaper and broken floorboards that would never be acquainted with the loudness of a mother sheilding her child from the wrath of another.
Everything she was and could ever hoped to be were silent, something to linger in the background and swell in the loudness of others while making her child wilt into nothing between loud and quiet.
Keigo was not a loud man nor a quiet one.
He was simply something that lurked between, a loudness that was desperate to be heard but a quietness that kept it forever lingering in the void between now and later.
He is the quietness of his mother's acceptance, of the neglect that would forever seep within the confines of his bones and the loss of something he would never know that would always cause a sharp, throbbing ache within his heart.
He is the loudness of his father's neverending presence, the rage that painted the walls of that house and would forever bubble just below the surface of his skin and the shadows of all the regret and the pain that would forever follow behind, always too far out of reach to be fixed but forever close enough to remind him of what happened within those four, delapitated walls.
Keigo is a mosaic of everything his parents were and would continue to be. Shards of shattered glass held together with false hope, fractured memories and broken promises. Held together to create one beautiful landscape of pain and sorrow that woud be forever hidden beneath charming smiles, well timed chuckles and late night regrets.
In the battle of loud vs quiet, no one will will ever truly win.
thinking of how messed up keigos fate is. being born as a mistake where his mother got knocked up, parents not giving two shits about him later on.
the only time he was "free" was when the HPSC took him in, but at what cost? he escaped the suffocating dirty place just to be made and trained into handling the organizations dirty work while keeping a reputation for the public, he was a kid, he could've never known how messed up being a hero would be under their heels.
killing the only man that understood him for the sake of protecting Japan from his quirk, he almost didn't do it and thought about how there would be other days with him, the league where he could finally have people to lay low to, forget he has duties and everything behind his back and just forget about everything, oh how much he could dream— but he had to, had to hold it together and finish him off so he won't take over society with his deadly quirk.
and then in the end, proceeds to lose his quirk, which was the only thing that stayed with him throughout everything, the only sign of freedom he's ever had. but at the same time, he was never truly free with his wings. they were purely used for never his own benefit, but for the commission, the society, " this is for your own good" they said. and in the end of it all, he's pinned down to the earth, his wings being the only way he could fly high, ignore his huge role weighting him down with the breeze for just a while longer. how could he live without his wings, who's a bird without them? who is he without them?
he doesn't seem to know.
and now he can't feel a pair of wings— a bunch of feathers behind his back. he should be happy, why isn't he happy?
maybe in the end, this is how his life was destined to go. chained down till the day he dies, and maybe then can he know what freedom truly is.
I'm back!!!! Thanks for the support on my fics, I love youuuu!!!
As I always say, English isn't my first language, so please let me know if I have any spelling mistakes :)
Keigo works A LOT, and it's not like he really has much of a choice, he'd love to be able to sleep for a whole day, watch a few movies with you, read an entire book in a day, play a game on the hardest difficulty until he gets sick of it, or just fuck you until neither of you can take it anymore.
But, this is almost never the case, in fact, you can count on one hand the amount of times Keigo has been off work for more than 2 days, and probably 99.99% of it is because Keigo got sick, so it doesn't really count as a break or vacation.
And you always try to understand, you really do, but sometimes you feel like Keigo just puts work above you, and maybe it's your insecurities making you see something that's not true, but it still hurts when you call his number and he doesn't answer, or when you wait up late until you can't keep your eyes open anymore, only to hear Keigo arrive two hours later so tired and hurt that he's not even able to give a kiss.
The thing is, even though you understand, you're also tired of always understanding and understanding and understanding, so one day, when Keigo has the day off because his agency is celebrating an anniversary, you just explode. Because you had planned a nice time off, some decorations and freshly prepared food for your boyfriend, all of that for everything to be ruined when he received a call informing him that there was going to be a meeting with another agency that was of utmost importance.
And Keigo left, because what else can he do? Work is what he was raised and trained to do, so if they call him he's already on his way. But no you, you weren't raised or trained to handle that, so today you stayed up until Keigo arrived to have a talk with him, so you made yourself a coffee to stay awake, went to the living room cabinet, turned on the TV and waited while watching a movie.
After a few hours you heard a creak on the balcony and saw him walk through the door.
"Hi babe, what are you doing up so late?" He said as he took off his jacket and walked over to kiss you.
But no.
No.
You weren't in the mood for that.
Seeing how you took a step back Keigo tilted his head a little as he watched you in confusion. "Something's wrong love?"
"What do you think?"
You could tell the exact moment Keigo tensed up. He knew from your tone and posture that something was up. The thing is he didn't know what, and it was exactly what you were asking.
"...Did I need to get you something or something like that?" No answer. "Love, is it because of dinner yesterday? I know it wasn't my best creation but..." Still no answer, and it seemed like he was starting to get frustrated by the way he saw you. "Love..."
"Try again, since you're so important and needed by everyone, you should be able to guess what's bothering your girlfriend, right? Or maybe you know better about what worries everyone except what worries your partner" You said with a frown and a cold and hurtful tone. It was meant to make him feel bad, because you were already tired of understanding.
"Love... If it's because of work, you- well, I... you know it's not easy but-"
"Is it easier to leave me hanging every time I try to plan something for us? Wow, thanks for showing me your priorities" You said with sarcasm and a fake laugh, as you turned around and headed to the room, you realized that if you continued you would cry, because you weren't as strong as you wanted to pretend, you couldn't understand as much as you wanted to.
"Love, please" You heard him say behind you, and you could hear a bit of desperation and tiredness in his voice, and it made sense, it was the only day of vacation he had been given in months and it was ruined, he was obviously tired. And normally you would reason and hug him until he fell asleep, but this time your own pain didn't allow it.
It wasn't so much that he worked hard, you knew he did it for a good purpose and, although sometimes you didn't understand how he managed to do everything, he always made sure to keep you cared for, loved and pampered. But it hurt you that they took him away from you every time you managed to have him in your arms.
Then, you saw how the door to the room closed in front of you before you could get in thanks to one of Keigo's feathers.
"Baby, listen to me before you lock yourself in our room, please" but you didn't turn around, you didn't try to open the door either since you knew that with just a feather Keigo could defeat you if he wanted to. "I know you had plans for today and, believe me, I was also looking forward to eating your food while we watched that series and believe me, when I received that call, I was about to throw the phone out the window, but I can't. You know I can't" He said as he tried to approach you and hug you. But you took a step back, pressing yourself against the door. And what he said made sense, but you still couldn't say it. "Please..., you know I love you"
And you loved him too, a lot.
But you also loved yourself, and you understood that even though he had things to do, so did you, and yet you still put the relationship first. Always finding time to share together, always comforting him after work hours, always there.
But you were sick, hurt, and tired of the fact that while you were always there, he was there sometimes.
"Keigo, I understand that you have to work, I understand that it's important to you, I understand that you can't spend that much time with me. But I'm sure that if one damn day you left work a little earlier or assigned extra tasks to your assistants instead of doing it yourself, you could be with me. But you don't, because your heroism is worth more."
Tears were beginning to well up in your eyes, but you didn't want to let them fall. No, you wanted Keigo to see that you were steadfast, that it hurt, but you wouldn't let it break you.
"Open the door, Keigo." You looked him straight in the eyes so he could see you weren't up for games or talks.
He stared back at you for a few seconds. You could see his realization at how hurt you were, and also his regret, but that wasn't enough, not anymore.
He opened the bedroom door, letting you in. And, even though he wanted to sneak you inside, you closed the door before he could. However, his voice echoed through the door. "Love... Look, I understand if you don't want to talk right now, but... I love you, okay? I don't want you to doubt it." You heard his footsteps walking away, probably toward the guest room. You weren't going to deny that his words helped you a little, but you needed more than words this time.
And Keigo knew that. So while he slept, he started thinking about what he could do.
He didn't want to lose you. Even if you didn't realize it, you're the most important thing to him. Hell, sometimes even he's surprised that his heart can love someone so much.
Too bad neither he nor his heart know how to show it.
The next day you woke up to the smell of pancakes, which you didn't expect since Keigo was working today. So unless someone came into your house exclusively to cook (something you wouldn't really complain about), Keigo stayed home. The thought brought comfort to your heart, which had been aching all the time the day before. But it still hurt that he only did it once you exploded, and not before.
As you left the room, you started to hear Keigo's voice. He seemed to be on the phone and a little agitated. As you got closer, you could make out his words better.
"No, no, those work hours are over. I need Tuesdays off... Yeah, well, there are other heroes, boss... I don't care, I'm not going to do it."
Seeing Keigo upset wasn't common. And after hearing the word "Boss" and realizing who he was talking to, you started to get a little worried.
'He'll leave again.' 'He's going on a mission.' 'I'll be alone.'
"I'm busy right now, Boss, and I'm not going to change my mind... Yeah, yeah, I'll be there tomorrow," he continued into the phone. Then he hung up and sighed.
You didn't know what the call was about, but it obviously wasn't a very pleasant one. Normally, you'd go hug him and ask him to tell you what's going on. But not today.
You walked closer to the kitchen, where Keigo was flipping a pancake, his posture tense and his brow furrowed.
"What time are you going to work?"
Keigo turned around, surprised by your presence, and his sour demeanor changed to a...nervous one? Okay, that's unusual for him.
"Hey, Love, I- well, it's just that- No... I'm not going to work today."
Your face was completely surprised, not because of the day off, but because of his attitude. It was very rare to see Keigo so nervous and shy.
"Uh, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I... made breakfast." He turned around immediately to hide the blush on his face, finished serving breakfast, and gave it to you.
"Okay..." You said, looking at him suspiciously.
You sat down at the table without saying many words to your boyfriend. You were still upset, very upset. Breakfast wasn't going to change that.
However, you didn't know how far Keigo's repentant, desperate for forgiveness, version of himself could go.
But you were going to find out soon.
Keigo sat down across from you, still a little embarrassed and flushed, but he looked you straight in the eyes.
"Love... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not realizing how much I was hurting you, and for focusing on my duty to others and not on my duty as your partner, which, even if you don't believe it right now, is 100,000 times more important to me, and I'm going to prove it to you. I swear." He paused briefly to gather his thoughts and continued. "I...can't promise you I'll be with you 24/7, although believe me I would enjoy it so fucking much. But, I want to improve, I want to be better...for you, for you to feel comfortable and happy about...about all of this, u know? so tell me what to do and I'll do it, love, I promise I will."
You looked at him and realized his desperation.
Shit, you'd forgotten how much this man loves you.
And you wanted to never forget it again.
"Remind me that you love me, Keigo. Not just with words. Prove it."
You stood up from the table, along with your plate, and headed to the kitchen to clean it without even looking at Keigo again. This time you didn't just want words; you wanted actions. And you wanted him to figure out what to do.
Oh, if only you knew that man knows every part of you. You doubted he could get anything that would make you forgive him, but he got more than that. Keigo is observant, very observant. He knows the dress you eyed a week ago while browsing an online store; he knows the restaurant you've been wanting to visit for months; he knows what makes you happy.
And he'll use all of that to get your forgiveness.
Checklist to get my girlfriend's forgiveness:
- Take her to the restaurant she wanted to try (with a private reservation)
- Give her her favorite flowers (tulips and peonies)
- Give her the dress she wanted along with a necklace.
- Remind her that you love her, don't be stupid, Keigo.
- Take her there, she'll love it.
A few minutes later.
"Love, put on the red dress you like and dress up. I want to take you somewhere."
You were lying in bed, giving Keigo the silent treatment. But you NEVER turn down a dinner date.
So you put on a dress, but not the red one. Keigo wasn't going to tell you what to do. You put on a new black dress, only to realize that, given how good it looked on you, it was probably a gift for Keigo instead of a punishment.
And you confirmed it when you left the room and Keigo stared at you for more than the seconds considered decent.
"Is it still too soon to tell you that when you forgive me you have to wear that dress?"
Your response was only a reproachful look, to which he smiled at you with false innocence.
He approached you and carefully placed a hand on your waist, expecting you to reject him, but you didn't because his compliments always makes you SO happy
"You look beautiful, love, so fucking beautiful."
"I know."
"I love you."
"Okay."
Keigo lets his head fall forward, letting out a deep, husky laugh, his hair falling a little onto his forehead. Then he brings his face down to your cheek and places a kiss.
"After today's plans, you won't be so cold anymore."
"As far as I can see, you haven't even made me leave the house, Keigo. I'm starting to get bored."
He just laughed a little and took your hand as you left the apartment.
He decided it was best to go by car so as not to ruin your hairstyle and dress; knowing you, that would only make you feel uncomfortable in the restaurant.
The closer you got to the restaurant, the more relaxed you felt. The whole way there, Keigo made sure you felt good, occasionally kissing your hand, putting his hand on your leg, complimenting you every time you moved, and telling you he loved you.
When you arrived at the restaurant and realized where your boyfriend had taken you, you could only stand in shock. You hadn't told Keigo you wanted to come, but he'd noticed.
You looked at him with shock all over your face, to which he just smiled and winked.
While he was talking to the waiter about the reservation, you couldn't stop thinking that Keigo was paying more attention to you than you thought.
"How did you know?" You said as the waiter led you to a terrace apart from the rest.
"Please, love, you liked all his posts on Instagram, it was obvious."
"Still, I didn't think you'd noticed."
He brought your hand up to his face, leaving a small kiss, "I always notice, beautiful."
When you arrived at the table, you felt like crying. The terrace was completely decorated with lights and flowers, and a slow melody played in the background.
The waiter left, and you saw a table in the center of the terrace with two wine-colored boxes on top of it: one small, like a jewelry box, and the other medium-sized.
"Keigo... What?" You looked at him with curiosity and surprise.
He gave you that shy look from the morning again, which you were starting to like a lot. "You like it?"
"Kei... do I like it? Damn, babe, it's beautiful."
His smile grew wider and his eyes sparkled. "Do you want to open the presents?"
"Of course!"
You headed to the table to sit down and opened the first gift, the medium-sized one. Meanwhile, Keigo watched you. He wanted to see your reaction, wanted to imprint your beautiful face on his mind and never lose it.
When you opened it, you noticed it was the dress you'd been wanting for a while. And if there were any doubts that Keigo wasn't thinking about you, this gift erased them completely. Because you never asked him, you never even talked to him about it, and yet he knew.
"Keigo...how-" you looked at him, your eyes a little teary.
"I heard you talking to your friend from work about the dress. I thought maybe it was a good gift," he said, once again shyly.
"It's beautiful, Kei. Thank you, really," you said as you examined the dress. It was truly beautiful, both the dress and the gesture.
"Open the other one. You'll like it even more"
When you opened it, you confirmed that his words were true. It was a necklace with a watch pendant along with your initial. The necklace was made of gold/silver because he knew that was what looked best with your skin tone. Plus, underneath the necklace was a small piece of paper with a dedication.
"To the woman who deserves every second of my life."
"Oh my god, Kei... Did you- did you really do this for me?"
"Of course I did, love. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't love you enough to deserve it."
"No... you didn't... God, it's beautiful, Keigo, thank you," you said sincerely, your eyes filling with more tears, but you didn't let them fall.
His gifts had been beautiful, the place too. The food arrived a few minutes later, and it was wonderful too. Even the conversation with Keigo had been comfortable, but...
"Kei, really, thank you, love. I loved all of this, but... Fuck, it's hard to explain, but it still hurts, okay? Thanks for showing me you know me, but- I... it's been months of keeping this inside, and- I can't...i'm so sorry"
Maybe if it were someone else sitting in front of you, they would have walked away, or yelled at you, or given up, but in front of you, was Keigo.
And he just smiled, a tender, understanding smile.
"I know, I know I hurt you a lot, and I understand. But the day isn't over. There's something else I'd like to show you. I know it won't solve the whole problem, but maybe it will show you that I want to."
You were really surprised there was more. But apparently, Keigo wasn't ready to give up.
"We're going to have to fly a little bit up there, do you mind?" You shook your head quickly, not caring about your hair at this point; you wanted to see how far Keigo could go.
After paying for the food, he gently took you in his arms and began to fly. He began showing you beautiful places you didn't know could be seen so well from the sky. By now, you felt like Jasmine exploring the world with Aladdin.
"Keigo, if you let me fall, I swear I'll never forgive you." He laughed loudly and held you tighter against him.
"Relax, love, we're almost there."
You saw he begin to descend, but you couldn't understand where. From what you could see, you were relatively close to the place where he grew up and trained to become a hero, which was strange since Keigo usually avoided those kinds of places.
You looked at him strangely. "Kei...where are we going?"
"Shhh, it's a surprise, don't ruin it with your questions," he said reproachfully, but with a smile on his face.
When they landed, it was somewhere near the buildings where he grew up, but it was an area completely filled with trees and flowers. He started walking, guiding you through the small forest.
"Okay...well..." Keigo suddenly started to get nervous. "I know you don't know this place, but I used to come here when I could get away from my training or when I had days off from work... I, well—maybe it sounds a little silly, but I used to come here whenever something was happening in my life, to de-stress. I—have you heard of writing down the things you think to...I don't know, de-stress or something?"
"Yeah...I've heard of it," you said, confused. You didn't know where he was going with this.
Suddenly, he stopped walking and, with the help of his hand, removed a small bush. As he removed it, you realized it opened into a covered area with a small table, which had a bouquet of your favorite flowers in the center.
"I came to this place to write about things that happened to me, usually things... well, you know my childhood wasn't the best. But when I met you, I started writing about you and how you were, the only thing I could think about." He led you closer to the table, and you noticed that from there you could see a cliff and the beautiful sunset.
Keigo extended the bouquet that had previously been on the table toward you as you moved closer to the railing that bordered the cliff.
"I brought you here because it's the place where I realized I was in love with you. It's the place where I would get away from absolutely everything and think about the person who made me and continues to make me happy."
By this moment, tears were running down your cheeks, and you couldn't believe what he was telling you.
"I'm sorry, love. You don't know how much. I'm sorry for not showing you how obsessed I am with you. I'm sorry for not giving you the time you deserve. I'm sorry for making you feel like my work matters more when I would give anything to spend my life with you."
"I know... God, I love you so much," you said, your voice breaking, your tears growing stronger.
"I love you even more. I swear I'm obsessed with you. It was in this place that I realized it, and it's in this place that I want you to realize it."
You took the flowers from his hands and held them to your chest with all the love in the world.
"I want to give you something. I want you to take it home and read it when you think you're ready to forgive me." He turned around and grabbed a wooden box hidden among the trees and the structure.
He pulled several sheets of paper out and held them out to you.
"They're from when I met you, so you can see how much I've loved you since the first second."
You looked into his eyes with wonder and love, and before you could even lock eyes, you threw yourself at him and hugged him. You needed him, you wanted him.
"Thank you, Kei, thank you."
"Thanks to you, for still being here."
You enjoyed the beautiful place until the sun set and the place, without light bulbs, began to darken.
Keigo led you to the car you 2 had left at the restaurant and then to the house.
And, even though you didn't tell him, you had already forgiven him, because he had kept his word, he had made it his goal to show you that he loves you.
And oh man, when you read those pages, you cried like a baby when you realized that the first thing he wrote about you was
"I met a girl and, God! She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, it's incredible"
And the last thing he wrote, before you started dating, was
"If she'll let me, I want to love her every second. I want to hug her, I want to kiss her, I want to touch her. I love her, so much.
If this woman doesn't drive me crazy, I don't think any other can."
part five of reader who secretly wants to disappear
part one, two, three, four
"you need to go outside."
you stare at hawks sitting on your dining table as you lie down on the floor, reading method 42 on 'how to escape life in 278 ways.'
"the last time we went outside, you were swarmed by fans and i sat beside a trash can while you took pictures and gave autographs."
he sighs.
"then a boyfriend."
you stare at him like he's a lamppost.
"girlfriend?"
"do i even look desirable, hawks?"
hawks looks at you. your hair is soft to touch and you have long eyelashes. you put on tinted lip balm even if you're just at home and you wear a long white nightdress like those from old european eras all the time. you're always barefoot and your nails always look clean.
"...you could do some work."
you ignore him and continue reading your book.
"come on! you have to do something other than stay here all day!"
"i'm fine."
your voice sounded like hard water.
maybe he pushed you too much today.
"sorry."
"it's okay."
he gives you a worried look, not like you're looking at him to see it anyways. "i just want something better for you..."
how silly.
he knows perfectly well what you want but he can't just give it to you. he can, but he won't.
hawks will never be selfless enough for you.
"you know i love you, right?"
your apartment is peaceful. it sounds like soft air conditioner and closed windows in the middle of summer. birds would flock to your windowsills and hide in the shades of your potted plants to cool themselves from the scorching sun.
you're peaceful too. you drink too much water and consume less grease than hawks would like. you like eggs for breakfast but you can never cook anything the way you want it to taste. your bottle of canola oil has been in your cupboard for almost two years but it's not half empty yet.
"i know," you answer.
he finds peace in your small apartment but you want more, like you always do.
part four of reader who secretly wants to disappear
part one, two, three
"what are things important to you?"
hawks never really thought about it.
"how about yours?" he asks, gauging you for an answer.
maybe if there's a good one, he can convince you to stay.
"hmm..."
he waits and sits patiently as the wind from the balcony brushes your hair and the sunlight showers you in its presence.
your eyes become vacant and the corners of your lips slowly come down.
there's your answer.
"i—" he speaks a little too loudly. "i like your place!"
you tilt your head. "here?"
"yeah..." he takes a few seconds to calm his nerves. "it's near my last patrol areas and you leave your balcony open for me so i like it here."
"oh..." your eyes widen for a bit. "so 'important' things are the most convenient huh? well..."
"no...!"
you jolt. "you're jumpy today."
"ah... sorry. it's just—you misinterpreted my answer." hawks looks at you and you look like you're listening to a child's rambles. "i like being with you, so it's important to me that you're always close by."
"close by..." you echo. "maybe what's important to me is... the idea of a 'promised land' or something like that."
a promised land?
"like heaven?"
you tilt your head, briefly looking up the ceiling. "no, nothing like that. i'm not suicidal, hawks. what the hell."
oh, so you weren't.
that makes him glad.
"wait, are you sure?"
"what?"
hawks feels a cold sweat on the sides of his forehead. "i'm sure you've mentioned wanting to jump off your balcony more times a mentally healthy person should..."
you frown. "my brain is completely fine. and isn't it normal to want to jump and stuff?"
so you don't realize it...
you and him are gonna have to talk about that some time.
covering up his true intentions, hawks gives a boyish smile. "so what's a promised land?"
you hum in thought. "it's something that you earn... i guess? like if you've worked hard enough."
he nods
"i think i worked plenty hard."
he agrees.
"maybe somewhere deep in the forest, i'll have a nice cabin with a porch." you pick up your steaming mug filled with jasmine tea. "it doesn't have to be big, just enough for me to live in and take naps."
hawks lets out a small sigh. no matter how he thinks of it, you're a resilient person. it doesn't have to be quick but in the end, you'll definitely get what you want.
"then how are we supposed to see each other if you're so far away?" he huffs.
you blink and watch him with wide eyes, your lips slightly agape. "huh...?" you ask.
oh.
you weren't thinking about him in your promised land at all.
"you're kind of a terrible friend."
shoot.
he didn't mean to say that.
"am i?"
"don't worry about it," he mumbles. "just... don't leave too soon."
part three of reader who secretly wants to disappear
part one, two
after a long night of patrol, hawks couldn't be bothered to fly all the way to his office, write a report, and come back home to sleep and shower so he flew to the most familiar balcony in the world.
yours.
at 7:06 in the morning, he wakes up on your sofa due to the sun hitting him.
he swears, one day, he'll get you curtains.
to his surprise, you're already awake and lying down with your back flat on the carpet. your arms are outstretched and holding up a white book with large text and a font that looks similar to old american newspaper headlines.
'how to escape life in 278 ways'
"what an ominous title," he says.
you flip a page.
"it's interesting," you reply.
he hums and watches you read the book. he leans his elbow on the sofa and rests the side of his head on his palm.
"what method are you on?"
a light pause. "27. retire early and spend all your money on the things you like." you continue reading, your eyes move from left to right. "oh, it says to first buy a house in a secluded area before doing method 27."
you're not really trying to hide it, huh?
hawks asked you where you bought it. you said you saw it on a bench when you were at Jimbocho because you fell asleep in the train.
"it's fate, no?" you say.
he likes to disagree.
he wants you to stay here. with him. with your hero friends. with everyone who loves you.
part two of reader who secretly wants to disappear
part one here
you sit still on your sofa when hawks visits, coming in through the window.
no lights on, not even the tv. just sitting there silently with the moonlight as company.
"hawks," you call out to him, not looking at him. he walks towards you to get a look at your face and it seems that your eyes have sunken further than before.
you look like you hadn't eaten and the clean sink and kitchen confirms his observation.
"you kill people in secret, don't you?"
his eyes widen.
yes, he has told you a lot about the bad sides of his hero work because he trusts you more than anyone but he never expects you to bring that topic up.
"i'm sure you know how to kill someone swiftly and without pain."
he kneels by your side, taking your soft hand in his. he wants to ask why you are saying this.
but he doesn't want to hear it.
"what if... i pay you a huge sum if you do it to me?"
silence.
he doesn't know if he's in a nightmare watching you disappear again.
you scoff and smile at him but your eyes remain vacant. like an empty metal box.
"ju~st kidding," you say. "what would happen to hero society without me?"
you're right.
despite not being a hero anymore and retiring early, your influence on hero society far exceeds the number one hero's or even HSPC itself.
your words and actions are what resonated with the people.
hawks wishes that someone could inspire you as well.
to not be this empty.
you are his childhood friend and you both grew up together.
he doesn't know when it started but somewhere along the way, you started to only be a shell of a person that once was you.
you couldn't take it anymore and eventually you crumbled. you retired before you can even reach 30. currently, money won't be an issue but hawks promised himself to provide for you when time comes that your income dries up.
"...why would you say that?" he asks.
he puts a gloved hand on your cheek and you bask in its comfort.
"i have issues, hawks." he knows. "sorry for scaring you like that."
he's the one who accompanies your walks to therapy from your home and back.
"were you serious?"
you remain silent.
unmoving.
"i... i have bad days too," he smiles weakly, resting his head on the couch beside your legs.
"i experienced a bad past too... though you already knew that."
he sighs, caressing the back of your hand with his thumb.
"i saw things i shouldn't see and did things i shouldn't have done."
hawks speaks like he's in pain. he looks up at your eyes and sees you looking already at his.
not that empty stare again.
"but... despite all that, i still have happy days y'know?" he gives your hand a light squeeze. "like when we eat fried chicken together... or when i found someone to mentor from UA... or when my patrols go smoothly... or when i see endeavor and annoy him," he chuckles.
"there are still good days ahead."
he places both of his hands on one of yours as he looks at you.
what about reader who secretly wants to disappear?
you're not really even discrete about it and hawks doesn't think you realize how transparent you are. he doesn't say anything but he hates it.
he hates it very much.
you mention before that you like the color red in certain shades and you can't help but stare at people when they wear a shade of red that you like.
but when you look at his wings, you have a very distant look on your eyes.
"i'm jealous..." your words are soft and they drag out.
sometimes hawks wonders if everytime he sees you, he's actually in a dream.
"you must be able to go anywhere with those wings."
he feels displeased. he knows you're just zoning out as you usually do. he's in front of you but he can see how you're looking through him, not at him.
hawks knows that look in your eyes. he sees it when you go on drives as you look at the mountains in the distance, he sees it when you're on the rooftops looking at the sky above you, he sees it when you pass by cemeteries and look at the flowers on the graves.
you don't belong in this world and you know it.
you want to go far, far away.
there was a time when you let him into your apartment and he saw your book collection.
as you slept that night, he reads the title and some prefaces on the back.
all are books related to running away to live in peace.
he hears you groaning and sweating as you sleep and he watches you have a nightmare.
he wonders what kind of nightmares you have when you are the cause of his.
you're a call away for the number two hero, what kind of peace could you ever want more of?
