Keigo's father was a loud man, in more than just volume. His temperament was loud too, the type of loud that was unescapable.
It bled into the walls of that house and stained them with rage.
It thickened the air that filled every room until every bit of life that found place in your lungs was weighed down from his rage.
It bled into every breath, every word and every noise that found home within those four, bleeding walls. It was the hum from the refridgerator, the squeaking of broken cupboard hinges when they were slammed closed and the creaking of the floorboards beneth his fathers shoes.
His father's loudness was his rage and it engraved itself into everything he was and everything he would ever be, tainting his very core with the loudness of his rage.
Keigo's mother was a quiet women, unlike his father.
He never knew if his father's loudness just simply drowned out his mother or if everything about her was just simply quiet.
Like his father's loudness, his mother's quietness bleed into everything around her, like a wilting flower killing the rest of its bunch.
Her quietness simmered in every action that she refused to make, every dinner left untouched and every night her child went untucked.
It was the thudding of her childs heart in an empty bedrom, lacking the sound of a lullaby being sung, a book being read or even simply the sounds of a mothers love.
It was the stale air that followed after his father's loudness, the stillness that lingered between peeling wallpaper and broken floorboards that would never be acquainted with the loudness of a mother sheilding her child from the wrath of another.
Everything she was and could ever hoped to be were silent, something to linger in the background and swell in the loudness of others while making her child wilt into nothing between loud and quiet.
Keigo was not a loud man nor a quiet one.
He was simply something that lurked between, a loudness that was desperate to be heard but a quietness that kept it forever lingering in the void between now and later.
He is the quietness of his mother's acceptance, of the neglect that would forever seep within the confines of his bones and the loss of something he would never know that would always cause a sharp, throbbing ache within his heart.
He is the loudness of his father's neverending presence, the rage that painted the walls of that house and would forever bubble just below the surface of his skin and the shadows of all the regret and the pain that would forever follow behind, always too far out of reach to be fixed but forever close enough to remind him of what happened within those four, delapitated walls.
Keigo is a mosaic of everything his parents were and would continue to be. Shards of shattered glass held together with false hope, fractured memories and broken promises. Held together to create one beautiful landscape of pain and sorrow that woud be forever hidden beneath charming smiles, well timed chuckles and late night regrets.
In the battle of loud vs quiet, no one will will ever truly win.
thinking of how messed up keigos fate is. being born as a mistake where his mother got knocked up, parents not giving two shits about him later on.
the only time he was "free" was when the HPSC took him in, but at what cost? he escaped the suffocating dirty place just to be made and trained into handling the organizations dirty work while keeping a reputation for the public, he was a kid, he could've never known how messed up being a hero would be under their heels.
killing the only man that understood him for the sake of protecting Japan from his quirk, he almost didn't do it and thought about how there would be other days with him, the league where he could finally have people to lay low to, forget he has duties and everything behind his back and just forget about everything, oh how much he could dream— but he had to, had to hold it together and finish him off so he won't take over society with his deadly quirk.
and then in the end, proceeds to lose his quirk, which was the only thing that stayed with him throughout everything, the only sign of freedom he's ever had. but at the same time, he was never truly free with his wings. they were purely used for never his own benefit, but for the commission, the society, " this is for your own good" they said. and in the end of it all, he's pinned down to the earth, his wings being the only way he could fly high, ignore his huge role weighting him down with the breeze for just a while longer. how could he live without his wings, who's a bird without them? who is he without them?
he doesn't seem to know.
and now he can't feel a pair of wings— a bunch of feathers behind his back. he should be happy, why isn't he happy?
maybe in the end, this is how his life was destined to go. chained down till the day he dies, and maybe then can he know what freedom truly is.
summary: hawks makes a promise to you under the aurora borealis and does all he can to fulfill it.
words: 1995
A soft series of knocks on your balcony door jolts you out of your sleep. The world is fuzzy, your eyelids are heavy, and the alarm clock next to you reads 3:16 am. “Why the fuck…”, you sleepily rasp.
You don’t have to ask “what the fuck” or “who the fuck” because you already know. There is only one insufferable, inconsiderate, feathered, and unfortunately very handsome menace who would have the audacity. You roll out of the comfort of your bed, yank the balcony door open, and stare, trying to communicate the weight of your grudge in your sleepy eyes.
“Heyyyy– Woah you look rough”, the menace in question says.
You stare some more, because your brain’s struggling to catch up to his stupidity, “Of course I look rough Hawks you just woke me up out of deep sleep at 3am after not contacting me for weeks. Did something happen?"
He smiles slightly at the question, as if he’s surprised by your concern and expected you to push him over the railing by now (you were honestly thinking about it). He rubs his neck nervously, “Um…I have something to show you and I know you’re still mad at me but please.”
You squint in annoyance and pinch the bridge of your nose. He cannot be serious. “You seriously came all this way at this hour because you have something to show me? You couldn’t wait until morning? This is why we’re in the situation we’re in now, Keigo, your timing is shit.”
He winces at the use of his name in that matter-of-fact tone of yours that always cuts deep. He’s always trying for you, but it just seems like he always falls short. His words soften, “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’ll say it as many times as you want. Please just trust me right now.”
You turn to walk back into your room, but he quickly grabs your wrist and tugs you back slightly. With the frigid air, the contact almost burns. He quickly blurts, “No no not here, I have to take you. We have to fly. Please just give me a little bit of your time, dove.”
He looks so vulnerable and unfortunately, you are a sucker. When he calls you dove and makes those stupid puppy dog eyes and pouts just a little bit, your heart always melts into honey. You sigh, “Fine. Can I put on some more clothes?”
He can’t help the small grin that spreads across his face as he nods. You walk back into your room, but not before tugging his arm to let him know it’s okay to come in. Not because you miss him or anything, just basic hospitality or whatever.
Like usual, like before your big argument, he takes his boots off on the balcony and places them on the welcome mat at the sliding door. It's still there, just for him, even though you told him you didn’t want to hear from him again last time you two spoke. And so he stayed away.
You gather a pile of clothes and disappear into the bathroom, leaving him alone in your room. Should he sit? Would you be mad at him for getting too comfy? Your minds must be connected because you peek back out the door and say, “Don’t just stand there, sit on the edge of the bed.”
It’s been almost a month since the breakup. 23 days more specifically, and technically it wasn’t an official breakup but neither of you have tried to make things any better. He knows he’s not the best boyfriend, he knows he’s been M.I.A. He knows he not only missed your anniversary and left you sitting at the restaurant alone, but he also didn’t reach out to you until two days after. It’s been eating him alive and you were stuck wondering if he was alive in those 46 hours and 23 minutes of silence. Yes, you counted. The night he returned, you called him inconsiderate, selfish, and a bunch of other things that you made sure would tear his heart to pieces because that’s exactly what he did to you. The League of Villains mission is weighing on him, and he can’t help but throw himself into it fully because that’s what he was trained to do, that’s why he’s a hero. Not to find love and not to feel safe, but he found you anyway, and now he’s losing you.
The bathroom door opens and startles him out of his thoughts.
You say, “Okay, let's go.”
Even though you knew he had to fly you both to the destination, over the past few weeks of his absence you somehow forgot just how intimate flying with him was. You link your arms around his neck, and circle your legs tightly around his small waist. The warmth of his palms seep through your sweatpants as he supports you and every part of you two that could touch are practically fused together. His scent invades your senses. It was a mix of his cologne, shampoo, and something so distinctly Keigo that has unfortunately faded from your bedsheets.
You feel him slow down and land softly, and he taps your lower back as a signal for you to let go. You take in your surroundings. You’re on a roof, but not just any roof, the roof he took you on the first time he took you flying. It was a distance away from the city, but you could still see the lights from afar and that's why he loved it so much. It was an escape that he trusted you with. The stars always shined bright and it felt like you were worlds away from the hustle and bustle you were used to, like you were the only two people in the world. You feel your heart almost do that thing again where it melts, but you quickly remember its 3am and that you’re supposed to be mad at him, and get annoyed again. He takes down your defenses so easily.
You start, “Hawks, why did you-”
He shushes your complaint and grabs your hips to turn you around. And then you see it. In the distance there’s a slight neon green hue spread across the twilight sky. It expands and flows and swirls, almost like water, and then shifts to a slight purple. The Aurora Borealis. You’ve told him about your wish to see it one day as you both bonded over your loves for the sky and the stars. Tears well up in your eyes, blurring the painterly view of your dreams.
You turn to him speechless, “I- I don’t even know what to say…thank you for waking me up.”
The weight of his palm on your hip is heavy, and he must feel it too with the way he awkwardly pulls his hand back. You miss the feeling immediately. He rambles nervously, “I know you didn’t want to see me, but I saw it start while I was flying and I knew that you always wanted to see them and they never really show in Japan and so I just thought-”
You lean into his chest and hug him tightly, “You still don’t get that no matter how mad I am at you, I always want to see you, Keigo. I look for you in the sky, I still search for pieces of you in my apartment...” His body tenses at your words and his arms hold you awkwardly like he’s overwhelmed from your affection after being without it for the past few weeks. You laugh, “Hug me properly bird brain don’t ruin the moment.”
He hugs you tightly and breathes you in, all he needed was permission. He buries an “I missed you” into your neck and of course you say it back. When he pulls away his golden eyes scan your teary face, and he kisses your forehead. “Don’t cry, you’re gonna miss the rest of it”, he softly says while thumbing away your tears, and turns you around in the direction of the lights again.
You both watch in silence with his hand still resting on your hip, but this time there is no awkwardness, it’s a welcomed touch. You two watch the aurora’s progress, the lights continuously shifting from a blanket of green to teal to pink and then purple.
Once the lights starts to fade, he speaks up again, “Thank you for coming out here with me tonight. I know we technically broke up, but I love you. I think I always will, even if you move on.” He sees you open your mouth to say something but he shakes his head and pushes forward, “I’ve asked for so much grace from you, but you deserve more. I’m sorry for fucking up and I know I can only use being a hero as an excuse so many times before you get sick of hearing it…” He takes a shaky exhale and continues, “I want to be the one to give you more, if you let me. I’ve never been more sure of something, of someone, in my life. I just need to know if you’ll wait just a little bit longer for me.”
He knows the mission to infiltrate the League is coming to an end. He knows he can be better for you, that's the only thing he’s ever truly wanted for himself. Soon he’ll have more time on his hands. More time to be yours and not the Commission’s. You know he has some new responsibility he couldn’t tell you about, but that didn’t make the pain from his broken promises hurt any less.
“How long do you want me to wait? Give me an exact time and I will.” You feel your hurt bubbling under the surface again and poke your finger into his chest between each phrase, “But if you fuck up, Keigo– If you are even a minute passed the date you tell me, I can’t do this again. I love you so much, but at this point it feels like torture.”
His eyes glisten at your ultimatum, but he understands. “Give me three more weeks, dove. I swear to you, I will be on your balcony with flowers in three weeks.”
You told yourself you wouldn’t wait up for him again, he’s burned you so many times, but it’s three weeks later and you’re cleaning to make the hours pass. On your third sweep of the living room, you pause to look up at the muted TV. Expecting to see the old sitcom you got tired of hearing the laugh track on, you’re instead greeted with a severely scarred man sitting shirtless on a couch. You turn it up and the man is midway through bashing the #1 hero. Your heart drops the moment when he mentions Hawks. Your Hawks. Not even caring about the allegations, you crash to the floor in sobs. What has this villain done with him? Is he the reason why your lovers name hasn't lit up your phone in eight days? The blood rushing in your ears almost drowns out the sound of your phone ringing. The screen is lit up with a number labeled “Unknown”. You pick it up and don’t say anything, praying that somehow you will hear his voice on the other end.
Instead, a woman says, “Hello, this is Nurse Kobayashi from Central Hospital, you’re listed as Mr. Takami’s emergency contact. After waking from anesthesia he insisted that we call you immediately, something about not being late again and a dove. He was very panicked...”, she trails off. Despite the alarming circumstances, the image in your mind of your bird frantically trying to contact you makes a small smile appear on your face. Even in his delirious state he stayed true to his promise. She continues, “Is there any way that you could get to the hospital as soon as possible?”
a/n: the recent aurora borealis sightings made me get to writing about my fave bird man. this was supposed to be fluffy but it didn’t quite pan out like that sorryyyy :3 this is also my longest post so far woahhh!
I'm back!!!! Thanks for the support on my fics, I love youuuu!!!
As I always say, English isn't my first language, so please let me know if I have any spelling mistakes :)
Keigo works A LOT, and it's not like he really has much of a choice, he'd love to be able to sleep for a whole day, watch a few movies with you, read an entire book in a day, play a game on the hardest difficulty until he gets sick of it, or just fuck you until neither of you can take it anymore.
But, this is almost never the case, in fact, you can count on one hand the amount of times Keigo has been off work for more than 2 days, and probably 99.99% of it is because Keigo got sick, so it doesn't really count as a break or vacation.
And you always try to understand, you really do, but sometimes you feel like Keigo just puts work above you, and maybe it's your insecurities making you see something that's not true, but it still hurts when you call his number and he doesn't answer, or when you wait up late until you can't keep your eyes open anymore, only to hear Keigo arrive two hours later so tired and hurt that he's not even able to give a kiss.
The thing is, even though you understand, you're also tired of always understanding and understanding and understanding, so one day, when Keigo has the day off because his agency is celebrating an anniversary, you just explode. Because you had planned a nice time off, some decorations and freshly prepared food for your boyfriend, all of that for everything to be ruined when he received a call informing him that there was going to be a meeting with another agency that was of utmost importance.
And Keigo left, because what else can he do? Work is what he was raised and trained to do, so if they call him he's already on his way. But no you, you weren't raised or trained to handle that, so today you stayed up until Keigo arrived to have a talk with him, so you made yourself a coffee to stay awake, went to the living room cabinet, turned on the TV and waited while watching a movie.
After a few hours you heard a creak on the balcony and saw him walk through the door.
"Hi babe, what are you doing up so late?" He said as he took off his jacket and walked over to kiss you.
But no.
No.
You weren't in the mood for that.
Seeing how you took a step back Keigo tilted his head a little as he watched you in confusion. "Something's wrong love?"
"What do you think?"
You could tell the exact moment Keigo tensed up. He knew from your tone and posture that something was up. The thing is he didn't know what, and it was exactly what you were asking.
"...Did I need to get you something or something like that?" No answer. "Love, is it because of dinner yesterday? I know it wasn't my best creation but..." Still no answer, and it seemed like he was starting to get frustrated by the way he saw you. "Love..."
"Try again, since you're so important and needed by everyone, you should be able to guess what's bothering your girlfriend, right? Or maybe you know better about what worries everyone except what worries your partner" You said with a frown and a cold and hurtful tone. It was meant to make him feel bad, because you were already tired of understanding.
"Love... If it's because of work, you- well, I... you know it's not easy but-"
"Is it easier to leave me hanging every time I try to plan something for us? Wow, thanks for showing me your priorities" You said with sarcasm and a fake laugh, as you turned around and headed to the room, you realized that if you continued you would cry, because you weren't as strong as you wanted to pretend, you couldn't understand as much as you wanted to.
"Love, please" You heard him say behind you, and you could hear a bit of desperation and tiredness in his voice, and it made sense, it was the only day of vacation he had been given in months and it was ruined, he was obviously tired. And normally you would reason and hug him until he fell asleep, but this time your own pain didn't allow it.
It wasn't so much that he worked hard, you knew he did it for a good purpose and, although sometimes you didn't understand how he managed to do everything, he always made sure to keep you cared for, loved and pampered. But it hurt you that they took him away from you every time you managed to have him in your arms.
Then, you saw how the door to the room closed in front of you before you could get in thanks to one of Keigo's feathers.
"Baby, listen to me before you lock yourself in our room, please" but you didn't turn around, you didn't try to open the door either since you knew that with just a feather Keigo could defeat you if he wanted to. "I know you had plans for today and, believe me, I was also looking forward to eating your food while we watched that series and believe me, when I received that call, I was about to throw the phone out the window, but I can't. You know I can't" He said as he tried to approach you and hug you. But you took a step back, pressing yourself against the door. And what he said made sense, but you still couldn't say it. "Please..., you know I love you"
And you loved him too, a lot.
But you also loved yourself, and you understood that even though he had things to do, so did you, and yet you still put the relationship first. Always finding time to share together, always comforting him after work hours, always there.
But you were sick, hurt, and tired of the fact that while you were always there, he was there sometimes.
"Keigo, I understand that you have to work, I understand that it's important to you, I understand that you can't spend that much time with me. But I'm sure that if one damn day you left work a little earlier or assigned extra tasks to your assistants instead of doing it yourself, you could be with me. But you don't, because your heroism is worth more."
Tears were beginning to well up in your eyes, but you didn't want to let them fall. No, you wanted Keigo to see that you were steadfast, that it hurt, but you wouldn't let it break you.
"Open the door, Keigo." You looked him straight in the eyes so he could see you weren't up for games or talks.
He stared back at you for a few seconds. You could see his realization at how hurt you were, and also his regret, but that wasn't enough, not anymore.
He opened the bedroom door, letting you in. And, even though he wanted to sneak you inside, you closed the door before he could. However, his voice echoed through the door. "Love... Look, I understand if you don't want to talk right now, but... I love you, okay? I don't want you to doubt it." You heard his footsteps walking away, probably toward the guest room. You weren't going to deny that his words helped you a little, but you needed more than words this time.
And Keigo knew that. So while he slept, he started thinking about what he could do.
He didn't want to lose you. Even if you didn't realize it, you're the most important thing to him. Hell, sometimes even he's surprised that his heart can love someone so much.
Too bad neither he nor his heart know how to show it.
The next day you woke up to the smell of pancakes, which you didn't expect since Keigo was working today. So unless someone came into your house exclusively to cook (something you wouldn't really complain about), Keigo stayed home. The thought brought comfort to your heart, which had been aching all the time the day before. But it still hurt that he only did it once you exploded, and not before.
As you left the room, you started to hear Keigo's voice. He seemed to be on the phone and a little agitated. As you got closer, you could make out his words better.
"No, no, those work hours are over. I need Tuesdays off... Yeah, well, there are other heroes, boss... I don't care, I'm not going to do it."
Seeing Keigo upset wasn't common. And after hearing the word "Boss" and realizing who he was talking to, you started to get a little worried.
'He'll leave again.' 'He's going on a mission.' 'I'll be alone.'
"I'm busy right now, Boss, and I'm not going to change my mind... Yeah, yeah, I'll be there tomorrow," he continued into the phone. Then he hung up and sighed.
You didn't know what the call was about, but it obviously wasn't a very pleasant one. Normally, you'd go hug him and ask him to tell you what's going on. But not today.
You walked closer to the kitchen, where Keigo was flipping a pancake, his posture tense and his brow furrowed.
"What time are you going to work?"
Keigo turned around, surprised by your presence, and his sour demeanor changed to a...nervous one? Okay, that's unusual for him.
"Hey, Love, I- well, it's just that- No... I'm not going to work today."
Your face was completely surprised, not because of the day off, but because of his attitude. It was very rare to see Keigo so nervous and shy.
"Uh, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I... made breakfast." He turned around immediately to hide the blush on his face, finished serving breakfast, and gave it to you.
"Okay..." You said, looking at him suspiciously.
You sat down at the table without saying many words to your boyfriend. You were still upset, very upset. Breakfast wasn't going to change that.
However, you didn't know how far Keigo's repentant, desperate for forgiveness, version of himself could go.
But you were going to find out soon.
Keigo sat down across from you, still a little embarrassed and flushed, but he looked you straight in the eyes.
"Love... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not realizing how much I was hurting you, and for focusing on my duty to others and not on my duty as your partner, which, even if you don't believe it right now, is 100,000 times more important to me, and I'm going to prove it to you. I swear." He paused briefly to gather his thoughts and continued. "I...can't promise you I'll be with you 24/7, although believe me I would enjoy it so fucking much. But, I want to improve, I want to be better...for you, for you to feel comfortable and happy about...about all of this, u know? so tell me what to do and I'll do it, love, I promise I will."
You looked at him and realized his desperation.
Shit, you'd forgotten how much this man loves you.
And you wanted to never forget it again.
"Remind me that you love me, Keigo. Not just with words. Prove it."
You stood up from the table, along with your plate, and headed to the kitchen to clean it without even looking at Keigo again. This time you didn't just want words; you wanted actions. And you wanted him to figure out what to do.
Oh, if only you knew that man knows every part of you. You doubted he could get anything that would make you forgive him, but he got more than that. Keigo is observant, very observant. He knows the dress you eyed a week ago while browsing an online store; he knows the restaurant you've been wanting to visit for months; he knows what makes you happy.
And he'll use all of that to get your forgiveness.
Checklist to get my girlfriend's forgiveness:
- Take her to the restaurant she wanted to try (with a private reservation)
- Give her her favorite flowers (tulips and peonies)
- Give her the dress she wanted along with a necklace.
- Remind her that you love her, don't be stupid, Keigo.
- Take her there, she'll love it.
A few minutes later.
"Love, put on the red dress you like and dress up. I want to take you somewhere."
You were lying in bed, giving Keigo the silent treatment. But you NEVER turn down a dinner date.
So you put on a dress, but not the red one. Keigo wasn't going to tell you what to do. You put on a new black dress, only to realize that, given how good it looked on you, it was probably a gift for Keigo instead of a punishment.
And you confirmed it when you left the room and Keigo stared at you for more than the seconds considered decent.
"Is it still too soon to tell you that when you forgive me you have to wear that dress?"
Your response was only a reproachful look, to which he smiled at you with false innocence.
He approached you and carefully placed a hand on your waist, expecting you to reject him, but you didn't because his compliments always makes you SO happy
"You look beautiful, love, so fucking beautiful."
"I know."
"I love you."
"Okay."
Keigo lets his head fall forward, letting out a deep, husky laugh, his hair falling a little onto his forehead. Then he brings his face down to your cheek and places a kiss.
"After today's plans, you won't be so cold anymore."
"As far as I can see, you haven't even made me leave the house, Keigo. I'm starting to get bored."
He just laughed a little and took your hand as you left the apartment.
He decided it was best to go by car so as not to ruin your hairstyle and dress; knowing you, that would only make you feel uncomfortable in the restaurant.
The closer you got to the restaurant, the more relaxed you felt. The whole way there, Keigo made sure you felt good, occasionally kissing your hand, putting his hand on your leg, complimenting you every time you moved, and telling you he loved you.
When you arrived at the restaurant and realized where your boyfriend had taken you, you could only stand in shock. You hadn't told Keigo you wanted to come, but he'd noticed.
You looked at him with shock all over your face, to which he just smiled and winked.
While he was talking to the waiter about the reservation, you couldn't stop thinking that Keigo was paying more attention to you than you thought.
"How did you know?" You said as the waiter led you to a terrace apart from the rest.
"Please, love, you liked all his posts on Instagram, it was obvious."
"Still, I didn't think you'd noticed."
He brought your hand up to his face, leaving a small kiss, "I always notice, beautiful."
When you arrived at the table, you felt like crying. The terrace was completely decorated with lights and flowers, and a slow melody played in the background.
The waiter left, and you saw a table in the center of the terrace with two wine-colored boxes on top of it: one small, like a jewelry box, and the other medium-sized.
"Keigo... What?" You looked at him with curiosity and surprise.
He gave you that shy look from the morning again, which you were starting to like a lot. "You like it?"
"Kei... do I like it? Damn, babe, it's beautiful."
His smile grew wider and his eyes sparkled. "Do you want to open the presents?"
"Of course!"
You headed to the table to sit down and opened the first gift, the medium-sized one. Meanwhile, Keigo watched you. He wanted to see your reaction, wanted to imprint your beautiful face on his mind and never lose it.
When you opened it, you noticed it was the dress you'd been wanting for a while. And if there were any doubts that Keigo wasn't thinking about you, this gift erased them completely. Because you never asked him, you never even talked to him about it, and yet he knew.
"Keigo...how-" you looked at him, your eyes a little teary.
"I heard you talking to your friend from work about the dress. I thought maybe it was a good gift," he said, once again shyly.
"It's beautiful, Kei. Thank you, really," you said as you examined the dress. It was truly beautiful, both the dress and the gesture.
"Open the other one. You'll like it even more"
When you opened it, you confirmed that his words were true. It was a necklace with a watch pendant along with your initial. The necklace was made of gold/silver because he knew that was what looked best with your skin tone. Plus, underneath the necklace was a small piece of paper with a dedication.
"To the woman who deserves every second of my life."
"Oh my god, Kei... Did you- did you really do this for me?"
"Of course I did, love. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't love you enough to deserve it."
"No... you didn't... God, it's beautiful, Keigo, thank you," you said sincerely, your eyes filling with more tears, but you didn't let them fall.
His gifts had been beautiful, the place too. The food arrived a few minutes later, and it was wonderful too. Even the conversation with Keigo had been comfortable, but...
"Kei, really, thank you, love. I loved all of this, but... Fuck, it's hard to explain, but it still hurts, okay? Thanks for showing me you know me, but- I... it's been months of keeping this inside, and- I can't...i'm so sorry"
Maybe if it were someone else sitting in front of you, they would have walked away, or yelled at you, or given up, but in front of you, was Keigo.
And he just smiled, a tender, understanding smile.
"I know, I know I hurt you a lot, and I understand. But the day isn't over. There's something else I'd like to show you. I know it won't solve the whole problem, but maybe it will show you that I want to."
You were really surprised there was more. But apparently, Keigo wasn't ready to give up.
"We're going to have to fly a little bit up there, do you mind?" You shook your head quickly, not caring about your hair at this point; you wanted to see how far Keigo could go.
After paying for the food, he gently took you in his arms and began to fly. He began showing you beautiful places you didn't know could be seen so well from the sky. By now, you felt like Jasmine exploring the world with Aladdin.
"Keigo, if you let me fall, I swear I'll never forgive you." He laughed loudly and held you tighter against him.
"Relax, love, we're almost there."
You saw he begin to descend, but you couldn't understand where. From what you could see, you were relatively close to the place where he grew up and trained to become a hero, which was strange since Keigo usually avoided those kinds of places.
You looked at him strangely. "Kei...where are we going?"
"Shhh, it's a surprise, don't ruin it with your questions," he said reproachfully, but with a smile on his face.
When they landed, it was somewhere near the buildings where he grew up, but it was an area completely filled with trees and flowers. He started walking, guiding you through the small forest.
"Okay...well..." Keigo suddenly started to get nervous. "I know you don't know this place, but I used to come here when I could get away from my training or when I had days off from work... I, well—maybe it sounds a little silly, but I used to come here whenever something was happening in my life, to de-stress. I—have you heard of writing down the things you think to...I don't know, de-stress or something?"
"Yeah...I've heard of it," you said, confused. You didn't know where he was going with this.
Suddenly, he stopped walking and, with the help of his hand, removed a small bush. As he removed it, you realized it opened into a covered area with a small table, which had a bouquet of your favorite flowers in the center.
"I came to this place to write about things that happened to me, usually things... well, you know my childhood wasn't the best. But when I met you, I started writing about you and how you were, the only thing I could think about." He led you closer to the table, and you noticed that from there you could see a cliff and the beautiful sunset.
Keigo extended the bouquet that had previously been on the table toward you as you moved closer to the railing that bordered the cliff.
"I brought you here because it's the place where I realized I was in love with you. It's the place where I would get away from absolutely everything and think about the person who made me and continues to make me happy."
By this moment, tears were running down your cheeks, and you couldn't believe what he was telling you.
"I'm sorry, love. You don't know how much. I'm sorry for not showing you how obsessed I am with you. I'm sorry for not giving you the time you deserve. I'm sorry for making you feel like my work matters more when I would give anything to spend my life with you."
"I know... God, I love you so much," you said, your voice breaking, your tears growing stronger.
"I love you even more. I swear I'm obsessed with you. It was in this place that I realized it, and it's in this place that I want you to realize it."
You took the flowers from his hands and held them to your chest with all the love in the world.
"I want to give you something. I want you to take it home and read it when you think you're ready to forgive me." He turned around and grabbed a wooden box hidden among the trees and the structure.
He pulled several sheets of paper out and held them out to you.
"They're from when I met you, so you can see how much I've loved you since the first second."
You looked into his eyes with wonder and love, and before you could even lock eyes, you threw yourself at him and hugged him. You needed him, you wanted him.
"Thank you, Kei, thank you."
"Thanks to you, for still being here."
You enjoyed the beautiful place until the sun set and the place, without light bulbs, began to darken.
Keigo led you to the car you 2 had left at the restaurant and then to the house.
And, even though you didn't tell him, you had already forgiven him, because he had kept his word, he had made it his goal to show you that he loves you.
And oh man, when you read those pages, you cried like a baby when you realized that the first thing he wrote about you was
"I met a girl and, God! She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, it's incredible"
And the last thing he wrote, before you started dating, was
"If she'll let me, I want to love her every second. I want to hug her, I want to kiss her, I want to touch her. I love her, so much.
If this woman doesn't drive me crazy, I don't think any other can."
Where did at all go wrong? - Hawks hurt/no comfort / angst
This is kind of based on the thought where Twice hasn't been the first person he has had to kill and how it haunts him and affecting how he views himself. Just sad thoughts and him comparing his naive view of heroes as a kid to now where has seen the darkside of actually living as one.
There's a bit of hopeful talk too but it's still just overall sad and yeahhhh he's a sad bird here :( (but his optimism is still trying to fight through!)
TW. suicidal thoughts, his depressing thoughts, low self esteem, Keigo's past, trauma, mention of nightmare
Hawks is afraid of being vulnerable, letting himself the permission to be open of how he really feels. Even as someone who likes to speak his mind and be straight with his words. There's this side of him that no one sees, even he himself isn't completely aware of it, he doesn't like to think about it, rather pushing it down to the place where Keigo himself is caged. Away from others eyes, away from his mind.
There's so many things he hasn't processed yet, things he's aware of but brushes them to the back of his mind, leaves them there to dust until he'd sometime vist them again. Never really by his own choice, it just pops up to his head. Usually late at nights when he's alone, in a small place he calls home. It's more familar than the one the commission pays for, it feels.. too much.
This feels more right, it's what he's used to, like the place he used to live as a kid, although this wasn't as messy as it was, just empty with barely any furnitures, perfect for just himself. A safe place from the outside world, it feels more like a home. He'd feel bad living in a huge apartment anyways, he doesn't deserve need it, is what he thinks late at nights. When the dust from the dark slowly spreads around, by the wind created after every flap of his wings, after every dirty work he's forced to engage in, he feels dirty, Keigo feels dirty. If he can even call himself by that name anymore, is Keigo even still there? And what would he think of Hawks? If he's honest he barely knows who he is anymore other than Hawks, the pro hero carefully crafted to appaear perfect, to put others at ease. People who don't know what happens behind the scenes, behind the HPSC walls that they don't want the public to know of.
Hawks ruffles his wings, trying to adjust them in a way he hides himself, like a kid believing no one can see him if he just closes his eyes. He tries to hide from his own emotions, trying to distance himself from the world, from the harsh reality he's forced to live in, just trying to forget it all for a small moment of peace.
Or so he tries.
Sometimes there's these nights he can't explain, when wet tears spill down his eyes, and he's not sure why, or why he can't stop. He doesn't sob, no, he just cries. Silently like he had sometimes as a little child, that is if he wasn't feeling just completely numb, having to suppress it inside whenever his parents were around, but there were it's times for that too, whenever they'd both be passed out, or when his father wasn't at home. That's when he tightly cling to his plushie for comfort while tears ran down his cheeks, quietly so no one could hear. Not fully understanding why he always felt like this, the deep hurt in his chest never going away, only growing each passing days, numbing and stinging at the same time, but he just thought it was normal, and how could he had not? That's all he had ever known, even if part of him knew something was off, even if he didn't really have the exact words for it, only the aching feeling.
He grew slowly to undestand something was wrong, watching at the outside world from afar, it juts didn't add up. Countless nights spend wondering why his life was like this, where were the heroes who in movies would come and save the day? Not knowing they were even real, he still dreamed to live like one someday, he wanted to be like that, strong and free able to fly around, helping others like the heroes did on the broken tv, maybe he could save them.. his mother and himself. Just like heroes would.
He didn't understand why his father got so mad, when he saved those people from a burning car. Should he had just left them there to die? Just so he wouldn't be seen, he didn't even completely understand why it was such a big deal. Why was he caged down like this? Why did he have to end up with a life where he had to hide, when he had seen children with their parents at the park, smile on their faces as bright as the sun. Observing them from a safe distance, hearing all the laughter, seeing all the smiles, filled with pure joy so unfamiliar to him, it was something that always pulled at his heart strings. Something so mesmarizing while also feeding at the empty feeling of sadness, longing for something more. He just wanted to be free to live, to fly high up at the sky feeling the cool air againts his skin, wind ruflling his hair while not having to worry whether or not someone would see, whether or not he'd get in trouble for it.
Keigo just wanted to live.
Then everything changed, it was like a new beggining, a new chapter in his life where he could finally reach for the light.
He had hope he'd finally be free when he got taken in by the HPSC, hoping to become a hero who could also put others at ease, a smile on their faces and save others like Endeavor had done to him. He swears he came alive from his dreams, just a while ago thinking he wasn't real, just a fiction on a screen, suddenly coming to reality. Little Keigo thought he was dreaming, it felt surreal. He was so clueless of most things, his whole understanding of the world suddenly breaking, the glasswall he used to observe life behind now shattering. It was start of a new life. Of new era of Hawks.
Hawks grins his face in distress, he just wants to sleep. To forget, to not hear, to not listen all of the thought yelling at the back of his head, sometimes it's his father's voice, sometimes it's his mother's. More often it's his own, telling himself how filthy and pretentious he's being. He had been so naive, thinking that being a hero would set him free, thinking they were all always good, saving everyone like they should, that's what heroes are there for! He did, he tried. Everything he did with his life was always for the greater good, to put everyone at ease while he himself carried the burden of knowing all the secrets. Things hidden from the public, hidden from most, only because he was told to do so. Hiding behind a different kind of curtain, funny how he always found himself living life behind some kind of a wall. He wasn't physically chained down this time no, he is flying higher than he ever has, with a wide smile trying to enjoy every small moments, appreciating everything he has in his life, appreciating being alive.
It wasn't fake either, he truly was grateful, at least most of the time, he tried focusing on the good, to believe there was always something worth fighting for, even if it came at a great cost for himself or his life. Adding to the already crushing load on his shoulders, adding to the hate he feels for himself, uncomfortable feelings that he just tries laughing off, brushing off with a cocky smile while keeping standing tall, flying up high. None could really see through or understand, just how much he was struggling within his life, all the thoughts in his mind.
Everything that happened behind the scenes, all the morally questionable things just to get the commision way, so no one else had to worry about it. Everything that was swooped under the rug from the publics eye, all to keep up the good reputation he also had to maintain, to appear perfect, to be perfect, look laid back and fine, all to keep others at ease. It was slowly eating him, adding to the quilt he felt everyday, only wishing for a moment of silence, moment of peace, moment of rest.
Not even his fellow heroes could understand the load he had to carry on his back with his wings. Every flap of his wings calculated, carefully thought through, there was always someone watching, analyzing him, someone he needed to keep up at the walls of a Hawks. Carefree bird flying around the city, hero always fast enough to help when there was someone who needed saving. Too fast for his own good like they'd say, too fast for anyone else, too fast for anyone to have the change to really get close to him, keeping everyone at a arms lenght. Telling himself it's for the best.
Always saving others, ready to sacrifice himself without a second thought if needed to, but who could save Hawks? There was none to save him, no one who would see the pain he was in. No one who would know the memories haunting him, what would Keigo think if he had known? That the wings he had to hide were still being tied down, that being a hero wasn't always making everyone feel safe. He still heard it in his head, the fast racing hearts, trembling of their voice and seeing those eyes filled with fear, knowing there was no escape, this was their end. Hawks held the life and a death at the blade of a single feather, one single move and it'd be over. One move and he'd see the feather stained in more red, different shades from his wings. He swears the color of them has changed over the years, darker red, filthy and stained. It could never be washed away, he could never look at his wings the same. Wings meant to symbolize safety and hope for others. His wings used to represent hope for himself too, way to help him set himself free, something he could use to save others, way to bring some kind of meaning to his life.
His wings.. all of this because of his fucking wings, he wanted to rip them apart, but they'd only grow back with time. He wanted to hide behind them, he wanted to be free of them, he wanted to be free of the chains tied on them, on him, on Hawks. Locking away Keigo, left hurting and alone. Alone with his thoughts at nights like these, wondering what he had done wrong, where did it all go so wrong?
He had always been optimist at heart, Keigo was optimist with a pure heart, but sometimes it was heart to keep alive that hope. When Hawks didn't feel any sort of pure, just filthy stained with blood. Even if it was to avoid a bigger war, to keep innocent people out of the way of harm.
It didn't make him feel any better, it didn't stop him for having nightmares about it. Seeing that child's face full of hope staring at the grown version of himself standing tall, a cool hero bringing smile to others faces like he had always wished to do, to make everyone feel at ease. It came with the price of never feeling at ease within himself. But Keigo hadn't known. Keigo had thought heroes were all always good, only doing good, that's what they're there for right? right...
Hawks now, felt nothing but quilt and shame, yet he'd do it all over again, even if it meant saving only a one person who needed his help.
His back wasn't broad enough to put everyone's heart at ease, he realizes that now, but that doesn't stop him for trying his damn best fitting as many people as he can there. With the help of his filthy wings, he'd continue trying to do his very best. For the greater good and for his pure love towards others, Hawks could dirty his hands, his wings, so no one else had to.
It's the least he could do, only thing he knew how to do, sacrificing himself and his life. Maybe someday he'd feel that same warmth for himself too, if he just kept giving more and more, until there wasn't even a single feather left for him to give.
He'd still continue doing it for the one dream he now had, fighting for a future, a world where heroes had time to kill, even if it was slowly killing him alongside trying to achieve it. The future he didn't dare to think for himself, he desperately wished to live in peace, but he didn't think he'd actually deserve it, nor actually achieve it. But the optimistic Keigo still living in his heart, believed there to be change for that day to someday come, day where maybe he also would find the love towards himself.
However tomorrow Hawks would wake up to a new day, washing away the dried tears, forgetting he had ever even felt sorry for himself, for a Keigo he has almost forgotten about. Hawks was ready for a new day, it's not like he had any choice either way. Another day of fighting to prove himself he had something worth giving to this world, reason to live this life Hawks felt he didn't even deserve living most of the time.
part five of reader who secretly wants to disappear
part one, two, three, four
"you need to go outside."
you stare at hawks sitting on your dining table as you lie down on the floor, reading method 42 on 'how to escape life in 278 ways.'
"the last time we went outside, you were swarmed by fans and i sat beside a trash can while you took pictures and gave autographs."
he sighs.
"then a boyfriend."
you stare at him like he's a lamppost.
"girlfriend?"
"do i even look desirable, hawks?"
hawks looks at you. your hair is soft to touch and you have long eyelashes. you put on tinted lip balm even if you're just at home and you wear a long white nightdress like those from old european eras all the time. you're always barefoot and your nails always look clean.
"...you could do some work."
you ignore him and continue reading your book.
"come on! you have to do something other than stay here all day!"
"i'm fine."
your voice sounded like hard water.
maybe he pushed you too much today.
"sorry."
"it's okay."
he gives you a worried look, not like you're looking at him to see it anyways. "i just want something better for you..."
how silly.
he knows perfectly well what you want but he can't just give it to you. he can, but he won't.
hawks will never be selfless enough for you.
"you know i love you, right?"
your apartment is peaceful. it sounds like soft air conditioner and closed windows in the middle of summer. birds would flock to your windowsills and hide in the shades of your potted plants to cool themselves from the scorching sun.
you're peaceful too. you drink too much water and consume less grease than hawks would like. you like eggs for breakfast but you can never cook anything the way you want it to taste. your bottle of canola oil has been in your cupboard for almost two years but it's not half empty yet.
"i know," you answer.
he finds peace in your small apartment but you want more, like you always do.
part four of reader who secretly wants to disappear
part one, two, three
"what are things important to you?"
hawks never really thought about it.
"how about yours?" he asks, gauging you for an answer.
maybe if there's a good one, he can convince you to stay.
"hmm..."
he waits and sits patiently as the wind from the balcony brushes your hair and the sunlight showers you in its presence.
your eyes become vacant and the corners of your lips slowly come down.
there's your answer.
"i—" he speaks a little too loudly. "i like your place!"
you tilt your head. "here?"
"yeah..." he takes a few seconds to calm his nerves. "it's near my last patrol areas and you leave your balcony open for me so i like it here."
"oh..." your eyes widen for a bit. "so 'important' things are the most convenient huh? well..."
"no...!"
you jolt. "you're jumpy today."
"ah... sorry. it's just—you misinterpreted my answer." hawks looks at you and you look like you're listening to a child's rambles. "i like being with you, so it's important to me that you're always close by."
"close by..." you echo. "maybe what's important to me is... the idea of a 'promised land' or something like that."
a promised land?
"like heaven?"
you tilt your head, briefly looking up the ceiling. "no, nothing like that. i'm not suicidal, hawks. what the hell."
oh, so you weren't.
that makes him glad.
"wait, are you sure?"
"what?"
hawks feels a cold sweat on the sides of his forehead. "i'm sure you've mentioned wanting to jump off your balcony more times a mentally healthy person should..."
you frown. "my brain is completely fine. and isn't it normal to want to jump and stuff?"
so you don't realize it...
you and him are gonna have to talk about that some time.
covering up his true intentions, hawks gives a boyish smile. "so what's a promised land?"
you hum in thought. "it's something that you earn... i guess? like if you've worked hard enough."
he nods
"i think i worked plenty hard."
he agrees.
"maybe somewhere deep in the forest, i'll have a nice cabin with a porch." you pick up your steaming mug filled with jasmine tea. "it doesn't have to be big, just enough for me to live in and take naps."
hawks lets out a small sigh. no matter how he thinks of it, you're a resilient person. it doesn't have to be quick but in the end, you'll definitely get what you want.
"then how are we supposed to see each other if you're so far away?" he huffs.
you blink and watch him with wide eyes, your lips slightly agape. "huh...?" you ask.
oh.
you weren't thinking about him in your promised land at all.
"you're kind of a terrible friend."
shoot.
he didn't mean to say that.
"am i?"
"don't worry about it," he mumbles. "just... don't leave too soon."
