A few days ago, I was on the sidelines when I heard someone advise a teenager (as part of a discussion on picking colleges) to be sure she didn’t marry the first guy she liked. And my first thought was: uh oh! Although I am mistaken for a teenager on a bi-weekly basis (witness today’s 21 year old dude assuring me that I’d discover hangovers soon enough), I’m past the age where most people are embarking on their practice relationships. You know, where you’re figuring our how things work a bit, but you’re both too young and dumb (or young and emotionally precocious, but still) for your relationship to really be fraught with the future-future. And I’m a little worried, because I agree- how can you know the first time? It doesn’t seem tenable. But I’m not interested in a relationship that I only see as practice- at my age, no one else would view it as such, and it doesn’t really seem fair to participate but not invest… Not that anyone “invests” immediately, but it seems like if things were to work- the first time- I wouldn’t trust it. And I don’t know if I’d be right or wrong!! As I say this, I’m increasingly struck by how pointless this thought is, because of course nobody knows if they’re right or wrong without sufficient passage of time. My problem is time itself. My current path- what I’m striving for- is something that I really can only do now. I can’t step away and come back. It must be now. But this path doesn’t lend itself to practice opportunities. And I’m afraid that- when I’ve accomplished all I can, be it in one year or three- the passage of time will have precluded me from achievements in other spheres- another profession, and an enduring relationship (which I don’t know if I want! But how can I know without practice? I mean, this post demonstrates that I want one in theory, but I can’t know until I’ve seen it in practice).