NB - this may get a bit mopey and sad. #sorrynotsorry
Lately I have been thinking about my mortality, as well as some that i’m very close to.
Maybe i’m just at that time of my life where the people I know will start to drop one by one until I have nothing left. It just seems far too early though.
6 years ago I lost my step-grandad. He was a brilliant man, but we weren't super close. His death still shook me to the core.
A month after that my Nan died suddenly. No-one was expecting it. My Nan practically raised me for a while. She was the best person I have ever known. When she died I couldn’t breathe. For such a log time there was a hole in my heart where she was meant to be.
As I grew older I learned to deal with it. I learned how to grieve and keep moving on with my own life, no matter how much I miss them.
These past 2 years have been hard. One of my closest friends is dying. We don’t know how long he has left but it’s not looking good. My heart breaks whenever I think about it. All I can do is be there for him and his family when they need me.
A friend at work has gone through one hell of a year, and I've tried my best to be there for her. She is such a strong proud woman though that she wouldn't admit that she needs any kind of help. She has also recently found out that she is Ill too. Fingers crossed that it works out for her, and I'm sure that it will. They caught it early enough and it should hopefully just be a routine operation. My heart breaks for her too. I’ve already made plans to visit her when she's at the hospital and to go round for coffee dates! I refuse to let her be alone in this. I know that she has some family, and she has friends. But at times like this you can never have to many friends.
To top it all off I finally admitted that my mum was dying too. She has a complicated disease that wasn’t caught in time. It is now just going to eat her alive and cause her so much pain. I was in denial of how bad it was for a while. She tried to hide how bad it was getting, so I guess I just went along with it to avoid the truth. I did some research a couple of week ago into some new trials that were being done abroad. I got more hopeful as the article went on. Describing how so many people had been saved already. I was mentally calculating how much money we would have to save and all of the fundraising ideas I could come up with.
And then bam….. My world comes crashing down once more. This trial had been done only on people under a certain age. My mum is well above this age. The trial had been done with people who were lucky enough to be caught in the earliest stages. My mum is well past early stages as this has been festering for years and years and has taken over most of her body already. And lastly there was no guarantee of a long term fix as the trial hasn’t even passed a year yet. So far the candidates are showing huge improvements, but it won’t work on someone like Mum. They wouldn’t even try it as it would be a waste of money and resources.
I think I’ve been burying my head in the sand a little too much. I was worried that admitting that Mum won’t be here for much longer would open the floodgates an I would just lose the plot. I can’t imagine a life without her in it. And yet eventually I will have to.
How much more breaking can one heart do?
