#headspace.txt

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I'm just another Friday appointment to them

I did my best and that's what matters

all I have to do is take those mistakes in account and work on them

nobody got hurt and my mistakes are fixable

breathe and slow down

there's no need to rush

doing things at a slower pace, a pace that you are comfortable with, may be the safer option

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hyper independence

struggling with the idea that I am wanted.

I don't really have friends or people to spend time with

if they were my friend or if they cared about me, they would make time for me

I know it's vice versa as well

but I feel like I haven't found people that I really feel comfortable with, that I can be myself with

I feel like I am not a priority in others lives

that if I ask to hang out, I'll be rejected bc they have other people they're going with or they don't want to do a thing

it's happened before

I force myself to be okay with not having people bc its too painful to be sad about it

it's hurts when others find a problem with it but don't make an effort to change that

I don't mind going to the theaters alone. I domt mind hanging out by myself. I don't mind staying at home all the time

am i?

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I just want to be loved. I want to be chosen first, forever and always. I want to be their first thought in the morning, the first thought the second their mind starts to daydream, the presence they miss and need the most.

because that's how strongly I feel about them. and I just want it reciprocated.

it's hard, not being loved the same as I love them.

it's hard, to continue to choose to be kind and loving.

it's hard, living.

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I know I shouldn't be frustrated with other people for not being in the same place I am. I know I have to be patient and have compassion for them because not everyone works the same or has the same abilities or resources. but it's frustrating to be where I am now, to try and help others, only for them to not want to move forward, to be comfortable and okay with being unhappy. I understand it's because unhappiness is where many of us grew up, live in, but I don't want to keep having the same conversation of pain and misery.

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I have no one to turn to and that's what haunts me the most

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I'm surrounded by people who are not emotionally available. I understand it's hard and people cope in different ways, but it feels so painful and lonely to reach out and get little response back. nobody checks in on me. nobody reaches out to me. nobody is thinking of me. nobody cares for my wellbeing.

it hurts.

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it's been a few years now but it still hurts to remember how your reaction to my love was annoyance. I don't understand it and I can't move on from it

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weird dream of seeing people I don't deserve to see anymore

don't know what that means but it was scary