January 21.
I went seen my counselor yesterday. I think it was okay. Well, I mean, more than okay. She wanted to go right into my deep rooted feelings of shame and guilt. Lol. Am I that obvious? Jk. Anywhoo, I wanted to share her insight about what she helped me see. Hopefully it could help people in similar situations.
When she asked me what I am the most ashamed of, and feel guilty for, my thoughts automatically went to my eldest son. Like, there’s a lot of things I can name that I could be ashamed of; the things I did, the people I did (lol), or just anything. But not being the mum I should have been for my son (and my daughters for that matter), is what has me stuck. Not being the mum any baby should have being born into this world. Yes, I made sure he was fed, bathed, clothed. He was taken care of physically. But I wasn’t attuned to him, as a caring, loving mother should be. ...I still hurt thinking about those days. Of how I just left him alone on the floor with his toys, while I chilled with James while drinking usually. How I didn’t just cuddle him, talk to him, or just play. That hurts.
What she said to me about this was, yes there’s parts to that time in my life I have to take responsibility for, but not all of it. So, this is the interesting part. First she explained my own Indigenous culture to me. “The way it used to be before settlers came” as she put it. lol. At that time, the saying “It Takes a Village” was taken quite literal. Meaning, everybody cared for everybody, and all adults made sure all the children were safe. So, I’m wondering, “Ooookay, and?” Then, she starts to say all the stuff with the residential schools basically broke that. It was no longer family looking out for family. Even though we do all love each other. But what she was trying to get at is, nobody stopped me from moving 5 hrs away, with an ex that nobody really liked, with a baby that I just left his dad for this guy. Nobody voiced their opinion on my bad habits before this too. So, when my family was supposed to be my support, my people, my village, I was instead let to go off on my own when I clearly wasn’t mature enough to handle being a mum, financially responsible, and on the verge of getting sucked into my addiction. She made sense when she explained each person should have a village. Supportive people, who are willing to make sure you are doing right by your children. Who are willing to help you when you are not on the right track, with compassion, instead of judgement. Doesn’t that sound nice? If every person on this planet would have that? It would be great to have a village.
I’m getting off topic here lol. I’m not saying I blame anybody for what I went through, or losing my son, or the addiction and abuse I endured later. What I’m saying is, I get it. I get how she wants me to see how I shouldn’t take all the responsibility. But will it help? Will that understanding help me not to no longer feel guilty? Who knows. I got to try.
After she had explained this, I told her the one thing I’m most afraid of is my son turning on me, to be so angry with me to the point where he would call me in the middle of the night, in a drunken stupor, swearing at me for not choosing him when I’m out here raising his siblings. Sounds specific hey? Cuz that was me. I used to call my real mom, angry (blacked out, so don’t remember) and swearing at her cuz she didn’t raise me and my twin brother. But seriously, this thought has haunted me. But she asked me if the situations were the same. I thought about it... How they’re not the same:
-I didn’t give him up. (If you read before, you can read how this had came to be, with James and his grandma...) & my mom did.
-My mom has only ever tried contacting us is when she was drunk. I was like 5,6 or 7+ yrs when I had heard about her, but I don’t remember when I could actually put a face to this woman. Like, even now, Idk when I finally knew her. Plus, we didn’t get “close” until I started drinking heavily later on in my life. & me? I try every time to see my son. I had to go to his house to visit when he was younger. Now I can only see him when I’m at my mum and dad’s house, but even now it’s a struggle because his grandma is a B word about covid. (I think I’ve explained this situation too before). And I msg him all the time. I tell him I love him, that I miss him, and especially that I will always be waiting for him to come be with me. No matter how long, no matter how old we would be. My mom never did that. Even now, our relationship is just non-existent
My counselor made me see that I was upset (even though, at the time, I didn’t think I was) because I felt abandoned. (There’s more to this part. I see now, in my maturity level, of how fortunate I was not to be raised by her) But before I didn’t understand it. And I am doing my best to let my son know, that even though we are not together, I still love and care for him, and am here for him for anything, no matter what. So, maybe he won’t grow up to hate me. Maybe he will? lol. Idk.
I think I understand it though. I can try not to put all the blame on myself, because of the village thing. I’m just fortunate enough I ended up getting my village when it was time to quit drinking.
Healing is so complicated and hard fucken work lol. But I think I am done. I hope this helps someone to not be so hard on yourselves. Especially if you’re out there with no one in your corners. I’m praying for you.
