#heart;

[jealouscarnage-blog]

"Is breá liom tú. Tá mé grá i gcónaí leat. Tá a fhios agat go bhfuil, nach tú?" [I love you. I've always loved you. You know that, don't you?] That whisper-sweet quiet morning voice of hers.

A smile tugged at his features, roused from sleep, he lay still, eyes still closed as he heard her whisper in his ear. “Gcónaí?” He murmured, reaching for her to place a kiss against her lips. 

[jealouscarnage-blog]

Siobhan clutches to him. Holds tight and never wants to let go. She's almost lost to the floor herself, feeling the press of his lips and the long since lost touch and comfort he brings. A choked sob, she wants to savor this moment. Even if if meant them toppling to the floor, she didn't care. All she wanted most was his arms around her. Secure. Warm. "Gan leithscéal a ghabháil. Just a shealbhú dom. Le do thoil." [No apologies. Just hold me. Please.]

Aeron pulled her closer, her head resting against his chest, his nose still buried in her hair. He was trying to hold himself together, to keep some modicum of his strength, but Siobhan had always been his weakness. She brought things out in him that he had thought long buried. A sob escaped his throat and suddenly he found himself crying. 

[jealouscarnage-blog]

A part of her doesn't want to give that forgiveness. But the larger part, the part that is winning -- is saying to forget everything wrong between them. The tears are pouring now, she can't hold them back any longer. Siobhan steps into him; pressing her face against his torso, whispering in their native tongue. "Mé chaill tú i bhfad." [I've missed you so much.]

73 years walking the Earth and the only one to ever make his knees weak nearly sent them both to the floor. He pulled her closer and pressed his lips to the top of her head, knees shaking with the effort to keep them both standing. ”Tá mé chaill tú,” he echoed, reaching a hand to tangle in her hair. “Tá brón orm,” his voice a whisper, an apology made far too late. 

[jealouscarnage-blog]

The nickname opens a wound long since closed; but not healed. She has to swallow down the tears that threaten. She /knows/ he hasn't changed, but deep inside she aches to be close to him again. It's been too long and she's miserable. Utterly. "It's me."

His mouth had long since gone dry and he swallowed hard trying to dislodge the sudden lump in his throat. He was paralyzed, stuck on the spot, unable to move and gods did he just want to reach for her. There were no words he could think of to bridge the gap between them; nothing he could think to say to break the ice. 

“A chuisle,” he repeated, this time, his voice breaking with the effort it took to keep himself from shattering. When she had left, she had taken a part of him with her. And now they were face to face again, and he could do nothing but stare; and hope for forgiveness. 

[06252014]

[ an envelope was laid down on the ground, holding a letter that was handwritten and somewhat scribbled towards the end for some reason, judging by the lazy strokes of the pen. it was right beside her heels, between Kyungsoo’s boots and Jungsoo’s sneakers on the shoe rack downstairs. ] [ l e t t e r ]

Hi.

I know we’ve from being argumentative to being declarative of our feelings these days; we settled down from being an exclamation point of angst than an exclamation point of happines trailed by an ellipsis and ended with a question mark towards our happy ending. I felt like our punctuation marks have been spot on from the beginning and our grammar together has been improved ever since.

When we went on different paths (and actually followed the rule strictly not to contact each other unless it was a life or death situation), we felt free.

We were both liberated from our old selves and out to discover a different side to things, not right away. Certainly not right away. It took a long time. It did, didn’t it? That’s what we wanted, right? A new perspective? We got them.

We both got what we deserved, even though we didn’t get each other back then.

We learned to love again, but in different ways and in different people, in different circumstances.

I love the fact that we’ve managed to keep the flame alive, even after more than a decade. This is our 13th year as friends, supposedly. Did you know that? Would you have remembered? I took note of the date too much, I guess. I wanted to celebrate it with you since we missed out on a lot of celebrations together. I guess 13 is also our lucky number, because we aren’t just friends now. Not “just friends” either. I think we’ve surpassed our old selves. There are enough Sorry’s in our last book. This one- This one is full of Thank You’s.

It’s day 366 of our 365-page book. This is a loose paper. It’s day 1 all over again. And it’s not in the same book, you see. It’s a new leaf, perhaps written a little too late.

12 years. It’s not so bad, is it? A lot has changed.

You’re not Taeyeon. And I’m not Kyungsoo.

You’re Taeyeon + 12 years XP and I’m Kyungsoo + 12 years XP complete with a Jungsoo tailing at level 3 going on 4, but you and me– We’re both at the top level now. Same character, but with upgraded stuff.

Today’s page 1 again, as I’ve said. It’s funny, huh? How we got things in order even if we knew there were missing elements. We tried to fill in each other’s gaps and felt whole again even without each other.

But in reality, I could always be whole without you. I could survive without you, if we haven’t crossed paths again. But I love you so so so much, and I’ve been a fool not to show that enough 12-13 years ago. And nw, I just choose to be with you.

I just choose to be whole with you.

I choose you today, Taeyeon.

I’d choose you tomorrow, Taeyeon.

And I’d choose you everyday..

..because we’re starting over, and I’m making a book that I can refill with pages over and over again this time. One that doesn’t have to have a last page marked at 365.

It’s an open-ended book, that’s bound to be a good one. It’s (hard)bound to be a happy one.