Have mercy on me, a mother.
Its still and peaceful. I take a deep breath, let it out and look forward to a few minutes of silence before mass begins. Out of the corner of my eye, itty bitty fingers peak out from behind the carseat cover.
She’s awake?!? After taking the shortest nap ever, my darling daughter has woken up! With a sigh, a mixture of frustration, resignation and i-cant-even-be-mad-at-her-shes-so-cute, I take her out of the carseat. Fast-forward 30 min later, mass is nearly done, and I have no idea what the homily was about, or even remember hearing the gospel.
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It’s interesting how life has a way of coming full circle. I started this blog 4 years ago as a challenge to myself. It was a time of transition & discernment and I realized that I needed a Mary heart- a listening, and present heart to the voice of the Lord, especially in the midst of the chaos of life. Today, the chaos has changed, but the need for that Mary heart still remains, and has once again become so clear to me. Hence, the return of the blog! =)
This year, the Church is celebrating the Jubilee Year of Mercy, and as I have been reflecting on mercy, I realized I can only understand and give mercy- if I have it myself!
Moments like those above, when my attempts for prayer were thwarted (I know dramatic word- but it felt that serious!) became frustrating. In anticipation of being frustrated- because the baby was cranky/awake/superactive and I couldn’t pray as I wanted to - alone & in silence, my priority & perseverance for prayer slipped to the wayside & I started hanging out with “Martha” in the kitchen- buzzing about but not really getting anywhere & finding myself discontent and not at peace.
Recently, someone shared something so simple but so profound that brought a whole new perspective. It was something along the lines of.. “God wouldn’t be giving you a child & and telling you that holiness is not possible. In fact, your holiness will only be possible through embracing your new role & through your child” For some reason, it was like neon lights & disco balls went off in my head! Things started making sense!
I had been trying so hard to just go back to what I knew, that I didn’t realize how God was calling me to go with the flow and find Him in a new way, as a mother. He was asking me not for perfection, not even for utter silence, but to be present, just as I am. To keep trying- even to be creative in trying. He was asking me to receive his love and mercy- not by keeping the best home, or having a well-behaved child, but by just being with him in the mess of it all. I was so busy waiting for the perfect moment to come to God, that I had forgotten the perfect moments happen when God is in charge of each moment.
So i am really excited for this Lent, not because I finally have it all together- because let’s be real- life will always be cray- but because I feel like I’m starting a new chapter of my adventure with God, in my life as a wife, a mother and a woman of God.
“Journeying is precisely the art of looking toward the horizon, thinking where I want to go but also enduring the fatigue of the journey, which is sometimes difficult. … There are dark days, even days when we fail, even days when we fall … but always think of this: Don’t be afraid of failures. Don’t be afraid of falling.” - Pope Francis
I am looking forward to not being afraid of the messiness & the not so perfect moments, and even the times of falls & failure. I’m looking forward to nurturing that Mary heart and reminding God that if I sit at His feet- he better help me figure out how to take care of life!
Even writing this, I feel rusty and the words & writing feel as if its lacking. I am even hesitant about posting it.. But im trying out a new thing- and perfect it may be not, but even realizing that is perfection in itself.
