Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World

The musings of a young Catholic woman, resting at the feet of Jesus and soaking it all in before running off to do 1287234 things that must be done [only with His grace of course] =)

[aheartofmary]

The Unexpected Spirit

Dear family,

I hope you had a beautiful experience of the Holy Spirit during Pentecost and Recommitment. I sure did, but in a familiar pattern of events, I was unprepared for how beautifully the Spirit moves.

The days leading up to Pentecost were a whirlwind of activity. Between traveling, being in a wedding, and other family and JY responsibilities, I found myself missing the first two days of the Holy Spirit novena and barely praying before midnight on the other days. I was disappointed in myself for not being faithful to my desire and commitment to pray and prepare for Recommitment and Pentecost. The theme continued on our journey to NJ for the Recommitment ceremony. A usual three hour journey from Massachusetts became four with unusually heavy traffic and a vomiting toddler that had us arriving an hour late. For those who know me, timeliness and faithfulness to commitments are very important to me and I really felt the weight of not being a “good” Jesus Youth much less a “good” coordinator.

So it was surprising to me that Roger shared that he felt bad, we should have planned better, tried harder etc, and I was the one reassuring him that we should just make the most of it and go with the flow (the tables had turned - usually that’s his job!). We entered the Church just in time for the exposition of the Eucharistic, and the strange sense of peace that prevented me from getting anxious in the car continued to fill my heart. As I sat before the Eucharistic Lord, and I brought before the Lord these “humiliating” moments, I was reminded of something essential to a journey of holiness.  He reminded me that I couldn’t do it alone - it wasn’t only through my willpower or strength that I would be able to stay true to the commitments and responsibilities in front of me. I needed His grace and most importantly needed the Holy Spirit to be my helper. Coincidentally (or God-incidentally!), Fr. Bitaju, who led the ceremony, reminded the group of a very similar message. He reminded us that the Lord was with the woundedness of the disciples after the Resurrection, and it was in that very space that He sent the Holy Spirit to help them in their weaknesses, giving them the courage they needed to take up their mission.

Now, imagine the situation of the disciples as they gathered in the Upper Room awaiting Pentecost. They knew that they should come to pray, but each of them came with their brokenness and were stuck in a room with others that had similar issues. They probably judged each other for deserting their Lord while throwing about various accusations and passive-aggressive comments (at least in their minds). They were down on themselves and each other for their lack of faithfulness. And, surely, they all had different ideas on the next steps and directions forward. Yet, they came together in prayer and with a desire to work with and for the Lord. They reminded themselves of the promise of the Lord.  “I will not leave you orphaned; I am coming to you...But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything, and remind you of all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.“ (John 14:8 & 26-27).

Now, think about our own regions and JY groups today, maybe even your thoughts as you gathered for Recommitment. Each of us has our own brokenness, judgments and accusations towards others in ministry. We might not have the luxury of ten days of prayer together to work out our issues but do we experience the Spirit when we come together? As a movement that strongly believes in the daily working of the Spirit in our journey to holiness, do we see the fruits of the Spirit in our lives and community? If we have received that same Spirit of the disciples, how is it tangible in us, and in the movement that claims to have a charismatic spirituality?

In an outwardly way, we see the working of the Spirit through speaking in tongues, prophecies and visions. But in a quieter way, we are reminded in Matthew 7:20 that  “therefore by their fruits you will know them.” In Galatians, we read that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (5:22-23) These days, as I traveled to different regions, I have been amazed at the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit in our gatherings. After every prayer experience, I left inspired and encouraged seeing how the Spirit was moving in our groups, especially through the messages and visions being shared not just by “gifted” people but by your everyday JY. Yet, perhaps more encouraging was seeing the Spirit move in very gentle ways of uniting hearts, bringing peace, joy, love and faithfulness.  One retreat that seemed less than average took a 180 degree turn after the participants were prayed over. However, as you may expect, it wasn’t because people were being slain in the Spirit or falling over, but because in a sharing afterwords, nearly every participant shared the deep peace that they had felt, the forgiveness that had started taking root in their heart, or the courage to nurture the gifts of the Spirit that they had pushed away for many years. In this gentle way, the Spirit revealed itself, its true nature and quiet strength.

Perhaps like me, you haven’t been able to be as faithful to your commitment to the movement, or to the Lord, as you had hoped to be. Perhaps, you wonder if the Holy Spirit is really working in your life because you can’t speak in tongues or have any messages to share. Perhaps, you wonder if the Spirit is present in the movement because you see disunity or broken relationships. Despite all doubts, we are reminded in Scripture that the Holy Spirit will remain with us. He does not give as the world gives. Take a deeper look into your life, how has the Spirit given to you? Where can you thirst more for the real presence of the Spirit in your life??

Pope Francis encourages us by saying, “The Holy Spirit works as he wills, when he wills and where he wills; we entrust ourselves without pretending to see striking results. We know only that our commitment is necessary. Let us learn to rest in the tenderness of the arms of the Father amid our creative and generous commitment. Let us keep marching forward; let us give him everything, allowing him to make our efforts bear fruit in his good time.”(EG 279).

These days, as you come in front of the Lord and with your Jesus Youth family, I hope, like me, that you are reassured of the powerful working of the Spirit in your life and in the movement. May the world know we are Jesus Youth by the fruits of the Spirit that we bear!

With love,

Jilu

[aheartofmary]

Glorified Wounds 2.0

My dear Jesus Youth family,

I hope you have been truly experiencing the joy of Easter in your lives these days! I am already looking forward to Pentecost and awaiting a powerful outpouring of the Spirit on the movement! But, the Lord seems to be reminding me (quite insistently) that I can’t just jump ahead without really journeying through the days after the Resurrection and leading to the Ascension.

In 2011- for an Easter message, Fr. Vinod (our then & now) National Chaplain, wrote about glorified wounds. The idea of these glorified wounds come back to me now and then. When the wounds in our life: self-inflicted or given by others, are very painful...it's hard to think that there is a possibility of there being any glory in that area of our life. But, surely, if we look back to many of the challenging, difficult times of our lives, we can see God’s hand leading us through. We can see that those are the times where our faith was strengthened, our love was purified, our courage was inspired and our hearts grew larger. Yet, for me, no matter how many times I experience these small daily miracles or the significant extraordinary grace of God, I struggle to trust in his infinitely beautiful plan. I struggle to have a true faith that holds firm in the face of the unknown. These days, there are situations in my life where things have stopped moving forward. They are stuck as wounds that are gaping open, with a very distant hope for healing. But it seems that that is  exactly how the Lord wants them for now, so that by remaining in that wound, I can trust in His power to glorify and redeem it. He keeps pushing me to find peace in the unknown and the unseen and reminds me that Hope (with a big H!) - is what I have to hold on to. These not-so subtle pushes have brought me to deeper prayer and recently, to reading the different gospel accounts of the Resurrection.

I think I have reflected many times on the joy that comes with Christ rising, but never looked into the experiences of the Eleven in those early days. It must have been so difficult for them. The man that they had looked up to, respected, trusted and left everything behind for- had seemingly abandoned them. They were lost and in disbelief, even though others like Mary Magdalene and Cleopas had shared their accounts of the risen Lord. They, who were closest to the Lord, went back to their old livelihood- fishing, because they were stuck and couldn’t think about a life without Christ. It was in this space that Christ appeared to them, showed them His wounds, ate with them and breathed His Spirit on them. In the middle of their grief, He reminded them to look beyond their own understanding to see the redeeming hand of God.

While we see just a few incidents of the Risen Lord interacting with the disciples- I imagine that they were going through a pretty intense process of restoring their faith and trust and also relationship with their Lord. Perhaps some were angry at the Lord for leaving them. Perhaps others like Peter was deeply ashamed and embarrassed for denying and abandoning their Rabbi and friend. Perhaps others couldn’t accept that Christ had really returned to them and could not let go of their hurt and sadness.  Perhaps they thought of finding another leader, another message, or wondered if they should abandon everything they had learned in these past three years. But in all of these places of woundedness, I imagine that Christ’s mercy penetrated their hearts and lives. He glorified those areas of sorrow, grief, self-pity, and self-hatred by bringing peace and joy.

But to be real, I highly doubt that 40 days with the Lord were enough to solve all of their deep trust issues!  I imagine that is why the Lord told them to expectantly wait for them to be “clothed with the power from on High” (Luke 24: 49). Together, with Mother Mary, they must have spent those days praying, sharing their questions, their doubts and challenging each other to hope in the promise of the Lord.

For us to truly receive the Spirit of the Lord, perhaps we are called to go through a journey similar to the disciples. We are called to come just as we are, with our disbelief, our disappointment and our hurt and to truly experience joy in the Risen Lord.  In a recent confession, the priest reminded me that it is not just that the Lord has risen. The Lord IS risen. Today and everyday. For you and for me. We have to do work on our own and then come together with the brothers and sisters that we have been walking with in faith. Together, like the disciples, we too can have the powerful experience of the Holy Spirit descending on our hearts, our lives and our glorified wounds.

C.S Lewis has a beautiful quote about love from his book Four Loves that always challenges me. You might need to read it a few times to let it sink in. “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Perhaps a glorified, redeemed wound, is better than no wound at all, if that means we have lived and loved the Lord and others. In these days, in the joy of the Resurrection, how will you love? Will the way you love be a vulnerable love that hopes against all hope (ref Romans 4:18) , because it is in the Lord? Will it be a love that brings its wounds to the Lord for healing? Will it be a love that expectantly awaits for the fulfillment of His promises?” For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love you have demonstrated for his name by having served and continuing to serve the holy one. We earnestly desire each of you to demonstrate the same eagerness for the fulfillment of hope until the end, so that you may not become sluggish, but imitators of those who, through faith and patience,are inheriting the promises.( Heb 6:10-12)

Alleluia! Christ is Risen! With eagerness for the fulfillment of hope until the end, let us receive the power that comes from on high. In just a few weeks, one of the most significant days of the year for a Jesus Youth is coming up- the day of Recommitment (or commitment!)! In this next month, will you join me in preparing allowing the Lord to glorify your wounds so that you can  serve the Lord through the movement with the power of the Holy Spirit?

Praying for you and asking for your prayers for me and my family!

With love,

Jilu

[aheartofmary]

H2H: The Journey, the Star and the Gifts Part 3

Dearest family,

Happy Palm Sunday!

So recently, I found myself angry at Roger (my husband). We were about to head out for Mass when he made a comment that made me furious. I didn’t say anything, but internally I was fuming. The wheels of self-righteousness turned forcefully inside my head because clearly,  I was the “right” one. He was blissfully unaware of the impact of his offhand comment, but I was stuck in self-pity and self-righteous anger. Until...I was reminded of some of my musings earlier that morning- centering around reconciliation, the gifts that we are called to bring to Christ and a verse from Mathew 5:24.” leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift..” I had been preparing to write this H2H reflection, and God was giving me the opportunity to let my actions speak as loudly as my words!

Once the initial thought about reconciliation and the Scripture verse came into my mind, the force of my rage quieted down but I was still left with my inability to let it go. I quickly whispered to Roger that I was upset but as we were rushing into Mass, I didn’t go into much detail.  I knew what I had to do, but I just wasn’t there yet and I knew it. It was in that poverty that God’s grace was present.  The words of the readings and the homily were insightful and relevant and the Word was very clear about my need to forgive and to come to God with a humble, contrite heart.  I was being to asked to “first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.”  I looked for a chance to reconcile with Roger during the Mass but there was none to be found between a cranky & restless one -year old and a 3 year old who kept insisting that she needed to poo-poo in loud whispers (no-joke!). I knew there was not going to be a perfect opportunity, so In between the chaos, I squeezed Roger’s hand and mouthed an “I love you.”

Later on, I continued to reflect on what true reconciliation meant. In this situation, I hadn’t even spoken to Roger but I had felt a clear sense of peace and ability to receive God in Holy Communion because of the process of forgiveness and letting go that had happened in my heart. But I still wondered, shouldn’t Roger apologize as well or shouldn’t there have been a more obvious reconciliation between us?  I continued to reflect on the verse from Matthew and read the passage in its entirety.

“So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.” Mt 5:23-24

This verse always seemed so dramatic to me. Imagine someone in line to receive Communion - running out because they remembered someone that felt wronged by them. It seems almost comical! But perhaps the Gospel uses such a striking image to communicate the gravity and importance of reconciliation and union, especially as we offer our gifts to the Lord.

This verse suggests that whether you are right or wrong, a reconciliation needs to happen because there is something that has gotten in between your communion with your brother or sister and subsequently with your relationship with God. Without the context of the first verse, it is easy to see reconciliation as a figuring out of who’s right and who’s wrong, having all the necessary parties taking the appropriate responsibility and moving forward in peace.

But usually reconciliation ends up something like this: We make attempts but in our heart we argue that “they” will never see it our way.  We find excuses to avoid reconciliation because we have been wronged, hurt and misunderstood. We are right and they are wrong. Ultimately, it is just not worth our effort to resolve it and we move on. Reconciliation in this sense does seem futile, but perhaps the Way set before us as Christians is different. Whether we are right or wrong, our need for reconciliation should come not from the need to be understood and acknowledged, but out of our humility and from our need to restore communion.

It seems to me, that many times we, especially those in ministry, tend to push on forward with a desire to please God by the gifts that we offer. We evangelize, we minister, we open our homes and our lives to young people, but there are places in our hearts where we have closed off because of the pain and anger towards our families, friends and even those in Jesus Youth. We push forward with all the right intentions, but our gift falls short because it is not what the Lord wants or needs from us.

The Gospel calls us to “leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled.” For us as Jesus Youth, it may seem pointless to waste our time and energy on those who just don’t get it especially when there are so many young people needing God. But rather than ignoring them, or fighting them, or trying to prove our point, can we bear them? In fact, is that not what Christ did for us on the Cross? Meek, misunderstood, and rejected, He who was without sin, bore the weight of our sins, so that we could be reconciled and in union with God once again. In His humility, God, who is ALWAYS right, did not defend himself but recognized the greater need- the salvation of His people.

Perhaps, like Christ, we are called to die a certain death. A death of our pride, our self-righteousness, and our understanding of things that prevent us from unity. My small experience reminded me of how challenging this is because of my sinfulness and limitations, but “where sin increased, grace abounds even more.” Romans 5:20.  Perhaps, it can only be in humility, that a moment of grace enters into the hearts of that brother or sister, inviting them into their own reconciliation with God. And perhaps, it is when we do that, that our ministry and the way that we are called to build up the Kingdom of God becomes truly a gift pleasing to the Lord.

As we enter into this Holy Week and live through the Passion of Christ, let us try to bring to mind all who have wronged us, misunderstood us, hurt us or rejected us. Bearing this pain and the weight of our brothers and sisters, let us receive His grace and come before the Lord with the gifts that He truly desires from us. The wise men brought gifts to the Child Jesus that symbolized the gifts meant for a King- gold, frankincense and myrrh. What are the gifts that we will bring to our King on the Cross? This Easter, what does the Lord truly desire from us?

Wishing you all a blessed Holy Week and Easter!

With love,

Jilu

[aheartofmary]

H2H- The Journey, the Star and the Gifts Part 2

Dear family,

This month I continue my reflection from the journey of the wise man to the star that led them.  I can’t help but think about how preposterous it is for the wise men to make such a bold decision to travel to a distant land based on a sign in the sky. Regardless, their conviction was real, strong, and it prompted them to set out for the unthinkable, through the unknown, and without any concrete assurance but the light from a star leading their way. The star led them to a powerful encounter with Christ that then led them back home through a different route.

As Jesus Youth, many of us have encountered the Lord in a powerful way through the journey of our lives. But like the wise men, have we entered back into our lives taking a different direction? As JYs, we are called to be missionary disciples. We are called to share our light & our faith and thus walk with others in their journey to Christ. Sometimes, it is through our simple presence, our authentic witness or when the person of Christ is made visible through us, that people are able consider the possibility of Christ’s love in the darkness of their lives. Do we become the stars that people need in their life to direct them to God?

It should be easy to do that once we have encountered God’s love, but it is a daily challenge posed to us. For our own light to shine, we are called to be vulnerable, we are called to put aside ourselves and allow the light of Christ from others to shine into our own darkness and let that be a light that shines for others.

Several years ago, before marriage, I was living the “JY life”  living, breathing JY and trying to do my part in building the kingdom. It was a beautiful time, but one filled with challenges and disappointments. It was a time in the region where we experienced what felt like a mass exodus of families and youth.  Looking back, it wasn’t so dramatic- but to my overzealous younger self, it felt like I had been abandoned and left with a huge burden. It was a struggle to get others to even pray together for small group, much less think about the region. It felt like nobody cared. That year, during Lent, one of the girls and I decided to spend a day together in retreat. I had no plans to do so, but as we prayed, my sadness and burden ended up pouring out of me. She had had no idea what I was feeling or the burden I was carrying.  Her presence that day became a gentle light in my darkness and an assurance and hope from the Lord through our time of prayer. After telling her, the burden immediately lightened- not because the problem was solved, but because it was no longer a burden that I carried by myself. It was a simple but transformative moment in my journey of faith and in my ministry.

To truly shine and to lead others to Christ, we must go beyond ourselves. Yes, we must have ministries, outreaches, retreats and events, but in a deeper, more personal way, we are called to share our lives with those whom we work with in the Lord’s kingdom and with those to whom we minister. We are called to push past the pretenses, the appearances, truly be WITH each other and share our burdens for the Kingdom.

I think most of us are conditioned to putting on a happy face- so much so that we don’t even realize that it’s not fully real. Perhaps, we don’t want to just dump or complain to our friends or loved ones. Perhaps it as an attempt to not “grumble or question, ” but rather than bringing it to God and relying on Him first, we close parts of ourselves behind a locked door. Perhaps, it is the consequence of sin that prevents us from coming to the light. Regardless, in this process, we fail to be vulnerable, to share our hearts with others and even with the Lord.

I had several thoughts in wanting to write these reflections, but I was a little hesitant. My style of writing is more “blog style” and pretty personal. I wasn’t sure how I felt about exposing myself to this email list of Jesus Youth of America. After writing the first reflection last month, a few people shared that they were touched & even surprised by what I had gone through. It made me realize that too often, and especially in ministry,  we look at what we see of others on the outside or even on social media- perhaps even their true joy and zeal, and assume that they are just truly blessed and happy- that life is just great for them. But that assumption fails to capture the essence of who that person is -their heart- their joys, their struggles and everything in between. It really brings to light (pun intended!) the need to be real, to be vulnerable. By sharing our journeys- the REAL journeys, with each other, we become the stars and light that we are meant to be, first to each other and then to those to whom we minister.

So, in these monthly reflections - I will be calling them H2H - Heart to Heart, I hope to share with you a little of my heart. (I’ll try to keep them shorter!!) I came across a quote from Evangelii Gaudium that captures something very beautiful. “In your heart you know that it is not the same to live without him; what you have come to realize, what has helped you to live and given you hope, is what you also need to communicate to others. Our falling short of perfection should be no excuse; on the contrary, mission is a constant stimulus not to remain mired in mediocrity but to continue growing” EG 121

I find and feel constantly that I fall short of perfection - as a wife, a mother, a daughter, as a coordinator of Jesus Youth of America, and most of all as a disciple of God, but as the quote says- that is no excuse! Let us keep growing together, sharing our hearts and shining like the lights that we are called to be in this world. The young people of this generation and of this country need each one of us to be our own version of the Star that leads to Christ!

 With love,

Jilu

PS. To be vulnerable with others, we have to first be vulnerable with God. The song below- “Here’s my heart” has been on repeat here in the Chengat household. If you are interested, its a simple but beautiful song to help you offer your heart to God! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTDoDA-1lsE.

[aheartofmary]

H2H: The Journey, the Star and the Gifts- Part 1

PART 1

“And behold, the star which they had seen in the East went before them, till it came to rest over the place where the child was. When they saw the star they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy and going into the house they saw they child with Mary, his mother, and they fell down and worshipped him. Then, opening their treasures they offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh.” Mathew 2:9-11

My dear Jesus Youth family,

These days, I keep reflecting on the journey of the Magi. Christmas and the Epiphany have come and gone, but my heart keeps returning to the long and arduous journey that the Wise Men took after Jesus was born. We believe that they came from the Far East and traveled a long distance through the desert, following the sign of the star with the knowledge that a Savior was to be born. My family and I watched The Nativity Story a few weeks ago, a movie depicting the events leading up to the birth of Christ, especially through the eyes of Mother Mary. In this movie, we also see the Wise Men as they plan, prepare and set out for the journey. The movie captures their interior & exterior struggles to accept that a such an intense journey is needed. Even after they set out, we see their continued struggle especially through the complaints of one of the Wise Men, Gaspar. But we witness a beautiful scene when they finally come before the baby Jesus in the arms of his mother, and Gaspar falls to his knees with tears in this eyes to offer his gift before the Savior. You can see in his eyes the deep knowledge of the Truth, the realization that this journey has been more than worth it - for having the privilege of beholding the King face to face.

Personally, I have been reflecting on this long journey that many times we are called to undertake. As Christians, we are all on a journey towards our final destination- heaven. But every day, and through the different seasons of our life, we enter into various journeys- many times journeys that are arduous, filled with struggles and questions. As Christians, we hold onto the knowledge that Christ is real, that there is some truth in all of our struggles and that everything will be worth it, but really, do we believe it wholeheartedly? Perhaps, like the complaining Wise Man, Gaspar, we know that there is some truth and keep moving forward in the journey, but don’t truly believe the depth of the joy that awaits us. Thank God, like Gaspar, we have loving friends and the movement, to bear our whining and complaints and encourage us to keep going!

I have been feeling very much like Gaspar these days as I reflect on my life and journey in the movement. I came into the movement in my teenage years and after having a deeper conversion in college, wanted to serve and grow in the movement with a stronger commitment. I longed to do fulltimership but for various reasons- my father was opposed. At that time, I felt the Lord was asking for obedience from my father and I didn't do fulltimership. Although,  I experienced a beautiful outpouring of grace to journey with the movement in my daily life, home and school that year, I always felt that I had missed out and I never could understand why God led me to consider fulltimership without allowing it to become a reality. Over the course of the next few years, it was a difficult time as I struggled to understand the truth of obeying my father, and listening to the voice of the Lord. I had to defend many misunderstandings of the movement, in the process making me question why I was a Jesus Youth, why I wanted and needed Jesus Youth and if it was all really worth it.  There were so many times that I wished it was simpler and that I could “let go” of the movement to make life easier. Oh how I complained to God- it just wasn't fair & it seemed He was asking too much of me!  But I knew that my life in the movement was very much leading me to closer to heaven and holiness, through the people, the encouragement, inspiration and challenge, and so I stuck with it.

As some of you may know, I became the Coordinator of Jesus Youth of America back in October. Recently, Roger (my husband) and I asked our parents to pray over us, especially regarding some of the future plans and decisions that lay before us. As my father prayed over me, he prayed a beautiful prayer that brought tears to my eyes- asking the Lord to bless me, my ministry and work through the Jesus Youth Movement. Never in a million years, and especially through the most difficult times, did I think that I would hear those words or such a blessing. Hearing those words, I felt as how Gaspar felt when he saw the baby Jesus. Every single moment was worth it. The struggles of the journey were wiped away by the power, mercy and goodness of the Lord. As I look back, I am constantly reminded that the Lord just asks us to keep moving forward toward him to the best of our ability with faithfulness and courage. We may not know how the journey will end up or even where we are really going, but the Lord is real and true and waiting for us. These days, I keep reflecting on how those intense and persistent questions of “why Jesus Youth?” and “is it really worth it?” brought me a certain clarity of conviction of the need for the movement as one of the Church’s many beautiful paths to sanctification- not just for me, but for this entire country, and even the world. This clarity gives me the desire to serve the movement through this role in any and every way that the Lord leads.

Everyday, we are on our journey to meet Christ, feeling like all we have is some knowledge of the truth, some conviction and some desire to keep moving forward. Let us be faithful to that journey and that truth. Christ the Lord waits for us patiently, listening to our complaints, our doubts, but always watching over us and tenderly guiding and leading us closer to him.

The Wise Men, after meeting baby Jesus, thought it best to return a different way- their journey hadn't actually ended!  We too, in our lives and journeys may be asked to take a different direction after meeting Christ. Having met Christ in a deep and intimate way, we are called to embark on a new journey. We may continue to have questions, doubts and struggles but now, not only are we to undertake this journey, we are also called to be the Star leading others to Christ.

But more on that in Part 2 of The Journey, the Star and the Gifts, next month!

If you are interested, click here for a video with clips from The Nativity Story that capture the journey of the Magi- if you’re a visual person- I recommend watching it- Gaspar cracks me up =)

 I hope you have a blessed day and you are able to take beautiful steps forward in your journey of faith with courage and the knowledge that Christ the Lord is waiting patiently for you with experiences of joy and peace that will make it all worth it!

With love,

Jilu

 PS. This email list used to be a place where many young people shared reflections and inspirations- I would love to see that happening again. Please consider sharing your response to this email or any other thoughts you may have! Let us encourage each other in this journey!

[aheartofmary]

The heart of a Wonder Woman

A while ago, I saw this guy wearing a shirt that read " I asked God for strength and courage.. He sent me my wife" with an image of Wonder Woman. Roger knows what to get me for Christmas =p

Ever since then it had been on my mind to watch it, so it was a nice treat to watch it with Jena a few weeks (months?) ago =) 

It was a great movie for a lot of reasons- the story line was intricate and developed, it was fast paced, suspenseful and Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman/Diana.

Spoiler alert: don't read ahead if you haven’t watched it yet!

Throughout the movie and as I was reflecting later, I was amazed at the strength and courage that WW had, as well as the deep compassion and humanity that she captured in her character. Multiple times, she stood up for the truth and wouldn't rest when innocents were being harmed. At one point, standing in the frontline trenches of the War, seeing the suffering of a woman and child and hearing of the injustices that the people had been facing, she realizes that acting and responding to this moment was very much a part of her bigger mission. With the help of some bullet deflecting armor bands and some major courage, she fearlessly strides into no-mans land- the battlefield that neither side had penetrated for months. Long story short her compassion and bravery saved and restored the city and many lives.

Recently I've been thinking about how intensely I feel. I feel for others, I feel people's pain, their hurt, and their sorrow so strongly. Many times I've thought- I just feel too much! Ive wished that I weren't so affected by all that's going on in another persons life. I've wished that I could just ignore it and move on. But I cant. In  those moments when I am so affected, it's hard to realize that this ability to be compassionate, to empathize is truly a gift.  Like Wonder Woman, the intensity of my feelings and desire to help those who have been treated unjustly or in pain surges up at times and allows me to do the unthinkable, impractical and nonsensible, in the name of truth and love. But these "feelings" are not generally respected or encouraged in life and society. It's easier and more valued to just be rational and practical. There are times when I wish I could ignore the pain or fear of a patient to finish my job on time, nights when I don't want to comfort my 2 year old when she wakes up crying, or defend a friend who has been wronged. But if I didn't allow my heart to feel such things, and didn't take the time to act on these things, even at a cost...so much would be lost. It is a large part of what helps me be a good wife, mother, friend and nurse.

It seems Gal Gadot had a similar experience as she became Wonder Woman- perhaps its her inner convictions that came to life in her character. Here’s a little snippet from an interview as she reflects on the character of Wonder Woman

GG: She has so many strengths and powers, but at the end of the day she's a woman with a lot of emotional intelligence. She's loving.

GLAMOUR: We don't really tend to think about superheroes' hearts.

GG: And it's all her heart—that's her strength. I think women are amazing for being able to show what they feel. I admire women who do. I think it's a mistake when women cover their emotions to look tough. I say let's own who we are and use it as a strength.

I think it is easy to look at Wonder Woman and claim her as a face of modern feminism- an independent woman who needs no man and lives by her own rules. She stands among all the male superheroes as a powerful force to be reckoned with. But  she does not stand her own simply because of her physical strength or courage, but something much deeper than that. Like Gal Gadot says- her heart is her strength. Her ability to love is the powerful force that pushes her forward to fight for truth and humanity.

I was also reflecting on the Christian imagery present in the final scenes of the movie. When WW realizes that Steve has made the ultimate sacrifice, his life, to save countless lives, she is reminded that despite humanity’s many weaknesses and issues- there is a power in it’s love. It is this knowledge that gives her the strength to break what was binding her, to come into the fullness of her power as a demigoddess, and to defeat Ares. It is very similar to the power that I experience in my own life as I recognize the ultimate love and sacrifice of Christ on the cross. Like WW, I have tried to singehandedly tried to achieve my goal- and many times have gotten pretty far, but I always come short. But it is when I experience the truth of Christ’s love that my heart and my strength get on the next level, allowing me to live and do the unexpected, unthinkable beautiful things that I am called to do in this life. The things like being a wife or a mother. The things that require great sacrifice and love and courage. 

So to all the Wonder Women out there- you GO GIRL. Your heart is your strength. 

[aheartofmary]

The Secret Garden of My Soul

The Son shines down on the secret garden of my soul

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

The Gardener works- digging & pruning, uprooting & clearing, 

in the secret garden of my soul. 

The Gardener nurtures & tends, protects & mends, preparing for life,

in the secret garden of my soul. 

New life springs forth, basking in the rays of the Son’s embrace. 

And the Son shines down on the secret garden of my soul. 

It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

[aheartofmary]

Have mercy on me, a mother.

Its still and peaceful. I take a deep breath, let it out and look forward to a few minutes of silence before mass begins. Out of the corner of my eye, itty bitty fingers peak out from behind the carseat cover. 

She’s awake?!? After taking the shortest nap ever, my darling daughter has woken up! With a sigh, a mixture of frustration, resignation and i-cant-even-be-mad-at-her-shes-so-cute, I take her out of the carseat. Fast-forward 30 min later, mass is nearly done, and I have no idea what the homily was about, or even remember hearing the gospel. 

------------------------------------------

It’s interesting how life has a way of coming full circle. I started this blog 4 years ago as a challenge to myself. It was a time of transition & discernment and I realized that I needed a Mary heart- a listening, and present heart to the voice of the Lord, especially in the midst of the chaos of life. Today, the chaos has changed, but the need for that Mary heart still remains, and has once again become so clear to me. Hence, the return of the blog! =) 

This year, the Church is celebrating the Jubilee Year of Mercy, and as I have been reflecting on mercy, I realized I can only understand and give mercy- if I have it myself! 

So back to the baby... 

Moments like those above, when my attempts for prayer were thwarted (I know dramatic word- but it felt that serious!) became frustrating. In anticipation of being frustrated- because the baby was cranky/awake/superactive and I couldn’t pray as I wanted to - alone & in silence, my priority & perseverance for prayer slipped to the wayside & I started hanging out with “Martha” in the kitchen- buzzing about but not really getting anywhere & finding myself discontent and not at peace.

Recently, someone shared something so simple but so profound that brought a whole new perspective. It was something along the lines of.. “God wouldn’t be giving you a child & and telling you that holiness is not possible. In fact, your holiness will only be possible through embracing your new role & through your child” For some reason, it was like neon lights & disco balls went off in my head! Things started making sense! 

I had been trying so hard to just go back to what I knew, that I didn’t realize how God was calling me to go with the flow and find Him in a new way, as a mother. He was asking me not for perfection, not even for utter silence, but to be present, just as I am. To keep trying- even to be creative in trying. He was asking me to receive his love and mercy- not by keeping the best home, or having a well-behaved child, but by just being with him in the mess of it all. I was so busy waiting for the perfect moment to come to God, that I had forgotten the perfect moments happen when God is in charge of each moment. 

So i am really excited for this Lent, not because I finally have it all together- because let’s be real- life will always be cray- but because I feel like I’m starting a new chapter of my adventure with God, in my life as a wife, a mother and a woman of God. 

“Journeying is precisely the art of looking toward the horizon, thinking where I want to go but also enduring the fatigue of the journey, which is sometimes difficult. … There are dark days, even days when we fail, even days when we fall … but always think of this: Don’t be afraid of failures. Don’t be afraid of falling.” - Pope Francis 

I am looking forward to not being afraid of the messiness & the not so perfect moments, and even the times of falls & failure. I’m looking forward to nurturing that Mary heart and reminding God that if I sit at His feet- he better help me figure out how to take care of life! 

Even writing this, I feel rusty and the words & writing feel as if its lacking. I am even hesitant about posting it.. But im trying out a new thing- and perfect it may be not, but even realizing that is perfection in itself. 

[aheartofmary]

the unexpected.

As some of you may know..i was so hyped about having a christmas carol flash mob in the mall- inspired by this amazing video of the hallelujah chorus- Christmas Carol Flash MOB! I had visions of grandeur in my head and although i didnt have unrealistic expectations of a random group of my friends being able to bust out in the hallelujah chorus, i did think it could be pretty amazing. But alas...for various reasons, people couldnt make it, and a flash mob became a flash few..  womp womp. 

So as I was sitting this morning, after mass, I was a teeny bit sad that it might not work out. i mean we could have done it with 6 or 7 people, but i didnt want it to be pathetic and wanted to leave the flash mob with some dignity. 

But when i brought up the idea of canceling it, both Katie and Tifna were sad and suggested caroling in the streets. And so without further delay, Katie, Danielle and Tifna were over, we practiced a few songs and were on our way with a medley of Christmas songs.  We knocked on the door and began with a christmas song or two, with love in our hearts and joy to share. And the smiles and love that greeted us spurred us to keep going.

As we sang, we realized what an amazingly beautiful opportunity we had to spread the love of Christ. It reminded me of the Visitation, and today's gospel- when Mary went in haste to visit her cousin Elizabeth. The joy of Christ inside her literally made the baby in Elizabeth's womb leap for joy. Now im not sure if there were any babies in wombs to leap for joy recognizing the Christ in us, but it was still pretty awesome. (This video is us at my house for the last song- notice Mamma Mary in the back! CAROLING 

And I was thinking how God manifests Himself in such an unexpected way. In my mind, it was the epic flash mob that was gonna bring Christmas cheer, but a verse of Silent Night on the steps of an elderly woman's house and her joy at our arrival allowed us to feel the love of baby Jesus and the true spirit of Christmas  so much more poignantly.

Who would have expected a little peasant girl to be the Queen of Heaven and the mother of the Prince of Peace? Who would have thought that a baby born in a stable could be the King of Kings? Yet, God overcome all the expectations that the Israelites had of their Savior, and gave them something even greater than they could have possibly imagined. And this is something that we get to relive every single year, and better yet, every moment that we allow Christ to be present in our hearts and our lives in ways that are mysterious and unexpected. I thought this really cute video that Jithin had found was a perfect way to wrap up this post  An Unexpected Christmas =) 

I feel the joyful anticipation everywhere! Christmas is almost here!  Wishing you all a very blessed Christmas and may you have the opportunity to share in the joy of the season =) 

FYI: Im still SO down for a christmas carol flash mob and we decided that we are making caroling in the streets an annual event =) oh hey spreading christmas joy <3 

[whatshouldwecallnursing]

i just look around like,

[aheartofmary]

Day 2 of Nursing Orientation

I have a feeling this will be me for a few weeks =X

[aheartofmary]

We are Family.

Disclaimer: there is absolutely no way that I could do justice to the time I spent in Haiti, or the thoughts and emotions that were felt. There is no way that I can understand the lives and past of the people of Haiti- the suffering and pain that some of them must go through. But i just wanted to share a few thoughts from my experiences there.

When you hear the word family..what comes to mind? In most cases, a dad and mom a kid or two..maybe a dog. Unfortunately, the modern family is moving further and further away from that ideal due to divorces, abuse, etc etc. Still, we have some concept of what a "normal" family should be.

But what about a place where there isn't even a concept of a family- where fathers barely exist,most siblings share different mothers or fathers, and situations for which we would call child protective services in America are nearly commonplace? This is very much the reality in Haiti. 

I was overwhelmed with sadness and my inability to provide or give anything to this country. It is the poorest country in the Western hemisphere- it was already in bad shape before the earthquake..but it just wasn't able to recuperate after the devastation caused by the earthquake. But throughout the days and in my prayer, it became clear to me that even if we built houses for every single person still living in tents, or provided food. It still woudnt be enough. Of course those things are needed, but they don't substitute for the love of a family that is so direly missing. 

Perhaps this image will illustrate what I mean. Every child loves bubbles right? They are fascinated by them. We spent some time with children at the Missionaries of Charity orphanage, feeding them and holding them. I held a little two year old boy in my arms and tried to make him smile. I brought out my bottle of bubbles thinking that I had finally found the solution. But he sat in my arms, unmoving and listless. It took 15 minutes for his eyes to even start reacting to the directions the bubbles were blowing.. But it was no where close to a smile on his mouth. Pretty much every child was like that..they were either crying or had blank expressions on their face, because no one had time to love them. 

I have learned that the family is the smallest unit of a society. When a family is protected and kept strong- society will flourish. And when it isn't, well, society falls apart. 

And so I was like..ok God, what the heck am i doing here? There are so many limitations in the physical ways that I could help these people, and even more limitations in how I could help a society that needed to be rebuilt from its very foundation- with an immeasurable love. 

But in typical God-fashion, I was reminded that its not about me. And even more,  despite in the sadness of the place, I left with a deep hope for the people of the land of Haiti. I was blessed to have many moments where I witnessed great love. And if there are people that have such love for the country and people of Haiti, then surely God has not forgotten them. 

We spent the last few days with some of the kids from the tent city of Camp Courail. After the earthquake, many people relocated to a vast plain- today it is filled with tents, and a few one room houses. Not exactly ideal living situations. Over the past two years, a Scalabrini priest Father Isaia, has worked hard in building a Catholic mission. With the help of a missionary from Columbia, Yamile (who is SUPER awesome =) ), he has been reaching out to the people of the Camp and providing services for the Church. We led about 20 of this kids in a retreat and then went back to the camp for the vigil of Pentecost. 

With the teens after the retreat =) 

I was impressed by the love that they had for their humble mission church.  Basically, there are a few wooden posts and some tarp over the place where they sit. Every week, they set up benches and hook up the electricity for mass. The care that they took to decorate the place for the vigil, and for Haitian Mother's Day was truly touching. They didn't have much but they made it beautiful. 

One of the best moments of the entire trip was after adoration for the vigil had finished. Fr Isaia stretched out his hands. At first no one knew what he was doing..and so i kinda do a little run and grab one of his hands...and then everyone holds hands to sing this beautiful son... The chorus goes like this, "An nou fè yon sel chenn solidarite, Pou n kapab bati Legliz la pi bèl, An nou tout mete men, an n sere kole,Pou n rive bati yon peyi ki bèl." Basically- We will come together in solidarity to build a church that is beautiful. With everyone together, we will build a beautiful country. (Click here to see!) 

As I sang the song, I looked around the circle. I saw the deep love that Father Isaia had for the people of this community. This little old white priest, with his failing health, and his intense love for God, had inspired so much love amongst the people. While many people did not have physical families of their own, the conviction and passion of this man and many like him brought a sense of family and of love to people who may otherwise never experience such a thing. 

What a beautiful thing the Lord provides through his people. I am still amazed by both the religious and lay people that have given so much of themselves- both physically and emotionally to their extended family in Haiti

I was so blessed to go with MY extended family in Jesus Youth- although many of us had never even met, the 10 days we spent together made us into a family. The laughs, the singing, and dancing to bongos during mass, the crazy truck rides, the sometimes ridiculous attempts at conversation in Creole/English/Spanish, and much much more. Words are truly inadequate to explain all that happened. 

But i will say this-  I am indebted to the people in Haiti that came into my heart and life for just a few days and taught me the depth and power of God's love even in the midst of so little. I am inspired, challenged, and excited for what the Lord has in store for my missionary heart. And hopeful for the future of these hearts and faces that came into my life. Maybe even some of them don't see it, but I see how much He loves my brothers and sisters in Haiti. 

Photo Cred: Jasmine Chacko- from the previous trip in March and Nixon/Siju Chettan!

[aheartofmary]

"Cause Baby, You're a Firework"

This was mostly written in my layover in Cincinnati before Houston/McAllen but I just got to post it now =)

Light and darkness are commonly used in imagery relating to God. I searched the Bible I have on my kindle, and found the word 401 times! The particular image that stuck with me recently, is the image of hiding your light under a basket (Mark 4:22). Jesus is basically like (kind of paraphrasing here btw) You crazy people! Why would you light a lamp and put it under a basket or your bed? That’s so silly!

When you think about it, it is not only silly but also selfish. I guess it could be a form of preservation- if the light is hidden- it can’t be blown out?  Yet, imagine that everyone in the room is in darkness, and you could share your light with them, but to protect the light you choose to hide it away…JUST IN CASE. It kind of defeats the purpose of having received the light in the first place…

In a way, this blog was started so that I could challenge myself to keep my lamp on a lampstand. For so many years, I have received lots of light (Jesus) in various ways- my parents, my church, the Jesus Youth movement. And I loved it, but I never really thought past myself. I took out the light in dark moments of confusion or struggles..but then put it back quickly lest it go out! I continued to receive more and more light…but kept it all safe and protected. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

But we are meant to be people in the light- with the light. It is then that we discover the beauty of ourselves- our strengths, our weaknesses and the joy of sharing that light.

It is kind of scary to let your light shine- especially when people throw around words like evangelization. Crazy people running around pointing out sins and telling you to beware the fiery heat of hell? No thanks. But what if by your life, you can be a witness of Christ’s light? Its not that scary- its called just being the fullness of who you were meant to be- the image and likeness of God. I forget if I’ve used this quote in this blog but St. Catherine of Sienasaid that “If you are what you should be, you will set the whole earth on fire.” ßTell it like it is babygirl!

Perhaps im held back by my fear of becoming a “Jesus freak.” Haha my friends are definitely saying…uhhh Jilu that’s already happened. Whatever….I still like to live in my illusions that I am completely normal =). I think theres a part of me that doesn’t want to become that stereotypical super holy person..whatever that means. But really, that’s such an irrational concern.

I am reading this book called Transformation in Christ  by Deitriech Von Hildebrond. I am only a few chapters in, but its SO AWESOME. It is a little dense in terms of wording..but stay with it. He says

Individuality in this sense will be transfigured and sanctified, but by no means foregone or supplanted by another individuality. For the essence of every human person supposes a unique and incommensurable task; it is destined to unfold and to operate in a direction inalienably proper to it

Aka you are made to be a saint..and even though you may have to change lots of things…your basic nature will not taken out and replaced with the nature of an unnaturally super religious person. Everything that is uniquely you, when united with God, can make you a saint. Crazyyyyyyyy!

I’ve been so blessed with so many people in my life, especially through JY, that have inspired and challenged me by just being themselves and saints in the making. There is not one way of dressing, one style of music, or one way of talking that makes a saint.

God is simply asking me to be myself with Him. Right here. Right now. And God def helps with that process of being united with God in everything I do and am. The other day in adoration…the lyrics from a Cyndi Lauper song, “Time after time” kept coming into mind “If you're lost you can look--and you will find me, Time after time; If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting, Time after time”…only I would be serenaded by Jesus with Cyndi Lauper. I'll embrace that =) 

But Cyndi is not the only person Jesus talks through...He's got Katy Perry too. I don't know if she would quite agree with my interpretation but she got something write when she said 

"You just gotta ignite the light, and let it SHINE!" 

Sooooo next project..video blog posts from Haiti??

[aheartofmary]

Walking with Hope

I gave this talk several years ago at TCNJ's Lenten Retreat Walking with Hope..and it has a shoutout to my good friend Selvin. He would have been 22 today...Happy Birthday Selvin! Love you and miss you! Pray for us harder =)

___________________________________________________

This whole retreat is about walking with hope. The one word that always is connected with hope is perseverance. We hear that word all the time..but where does it come from and why do we need it? Perseverance is such an abstract thought..the idea that despite any struggles or obstacles, you remain resolute in your beliefs or actions, and have hope that these obstacles and struggles are leading you to a better path. Let's be honest, sometimes life sucks. We've all had those days, months, even years where everything goes wrong, from family to friends to money. Whatever it is, you always have to turn toward something to cope. For many people, these methods of coping become alcohol, drugs or other forms of addictions. And in many of those cases they are not coping, but numbing the pain, which comes back even stronger after. Then how do we find perseverance? Where does that hope come from? For many of us, that will be a question that we struggle throughout our lives as we deal with the many problems that we bear. The concept of perseverance truly became concrete through my friend Selvin. My friend Selvin passed away last August at the age of 18 from a very rare condition with brain tumors. I've known Selvin for what seems like forever..we grew up together, and he was more like a brother. In these past 18 years of his life, I can truly say that he embodied the idea of perseverance. Selvin  was like any other boy, he loved to hang out with his friends, play video games, and most of all loved basketball. When he was about 11 years old, he was diagnosed with a rare condition. My friends and I would only come to know that he underwent serious surgery a year later, when the tumor came back and had to be treated with chemotherapy. For a while, the tumors disappeared, and he went into remission. He was always a really fun and active kid, he even made the varsity basketball team his freshman year. He was the kind of kid that everyone loved, and the only thing you could hate was that he was so nice to everyone.   Over the past couple of years, the cancer came back with a vengeance, as he underwent a total of 12 surgeries, many rounds of chemo, and various other treatments. Through it all, he never let anyone know but his very close friends how much he was going through. Even then, we would only get a call after the surgery was over,with him talking about how great his hair looked or what his new style was going to be. Meanwhile, I cant even remember a time when he had hair because of all the chemotherapy he underwent. He was always friendly, kind, and caring and although he was a great example before, it was during the last six months of his life, that I really experienced his inner strength and perseverance. He had faith throughout his childhood, but it was during his sickness that this faith became his support. He would have his visiting nurse read to him from the Bible, and would try to keep his eyes open when his mom would pray the rosary. Among our friends, everyone knew that the Divine Mercy Chaplet was Selvin's prayer. The presence of God in his life was definitely shown by his gentle demeanor, peace and loving attitude. In my life, seeing how much he trusted in God's plan for his life really impacted me strongly. Even after his death, his impact still lived on with many people that he knew and loved. Especially for the young people in our community, it really was a testament to the power of God and how we really have to turn to God always, but particularly in our trials. Some may say that hope died with him, but in the case of Selvin, the hope lives on in anyone's life that he touched. Especially now,  with his six month death anniversary just passed, I have been thinking a lot about where he got his strength from.  I knew that he had come closer and closer to God, but what exactly was it? I began to realize that this unshakable strength had to have come from Jesus. Jesus is the ultimate example of perseverance.  Jesus understands and feels every bit of suffering that we go through in our lives. His entire life, he struggled. He struggled to survive among people that hated and ridiculed him. Near the end of his life, he was abandoned by his closest friends, his brothers.  He even felt the rejection and separation of his father. As if this mental torture wasn't enough suffering, Jesus underwent so much physical suffering.  After watching the Passion of the Christ, how many of us think that we could endure how much physical suffering Jesus went through? Sometimes, the burdens we are given in our lives seem too much to bear. Our crosses are way too heavy and seem to be pushing us down, causing us to fall again and again. What we easily forget is that Jesus is there to helps us carry that cross. For our sake, God gave us his only son, so that he may carry the cross for all of us. Dying on that cross, Jesus had the burdens of the world in his heart. He knows each and every suffering and pain that we feel and he feels it too. But in the true example of hope, Jesus prays to his father in the garden of Gethsemane, "not my will, but yours be done." Much of the perseverance and hope comes from trust in God. There is a great amount of trust required to know that God has a bigger plan for our lives.

Every moment in our lives is a piece of a puzzle. Imagine two people making a puzzle together. One person has the cover box with the picture on it, and the other person is just putting the pieces together through whichever way seems to work best.  The person knowing the whole picture, when he finds a specific piece in the pile, may place it down in the according to what he sees on the box.  The other person may be confused because it seems as if that piece is totally unconnected and discordant with the way that they are trying to put together the puzzle. Most times, without the entire picture, the puzzlemaker starts from the outside in, with the edge pieces, so when the other person just plops down a piece in the middle, it throws everything off. There may even be a struggle between the two. Hypothetically, lets say God is the one with the cover box and we are the confused person.  Many times, God will place something in our lives that seems very confusing. But he knows what is coming, he sees to the heart of the puzzle and places something in it that is essential for completion. Sometimes, he may place many puzzle pieces inside that don't seem connected..or a whole group of puzzle pieces that become a random big chunk. Either way, even when those aspects of our lives make us question what God is doing..it is important to recognize that God has the bigger picture. While we are trying to form ourselves from the outside in, he gets right to the heart of the matter and forms us from the inside out.  All those seemingly incompatible pieces become the pieces that make us who we are.  That struggle over trying to find out why God put those pieces in our life will be extremely difficult, but God reminds us again and again that he does not give us more than we can handle. In fact, he promises that he has something so much greater planned for us if we do persevere with him, as it says in James 1:12 "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

Perseverance is looking to the future with hope despite being uncertain or scared of what it many hold.  God always has a bigger picture for our life. In the midst of our tears, doubts and worries, it is very hard to look toward a better future. When the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far way like  its simply getting farther and farther, its essential that we keep walking in the dark a little longer. When we turn to Jesus for perseverance and hope, our step gets a little quicker, our burden becomes a little lighter, and our journey becomes a little easier.

[aheartofmary]

Scraped knees....

So one day last week I decided it would be a good idea to read my kindle (best thing ever!) and walk. I've done it before..but usually in the park..and not on uneven sidewalks. Well..those who know me wouldn't be very surprised to know that while walking/reading, I tripped and fell. I scraped up my hands and knees, right on Ridgedale Ave. 

I just laughed it off and continued on my way (still reading of course =p). I got home and when my dad sees me walk in while reading, he tells me that I really shouldn't do that..its dangerous to walk and read. I just kinda chuckled in my head- if only he knew..and decided not to tell him to avoid a lecture. 

Usually i don't have deep thoughts on every time I do something clumsy...(i might be writing 10 entries a day!) but more and more, I am realizing that God's voice is not limited to church, or prayer..but in the everyday moments- the good and the bad, and most recently..the somewhat silly. 

This little episode is just a snapshot of something that happens with me/people and God all the time. So many times, I fall or get hurt. I have the option of bringing it to God..but for fear of a small lecture or reprimand, I try to take care of the situation myself. More important that the actual fall is my reaction to the situation. My avoidance of telling the story to my dad reminds me of humanity's desire to avoid trouble by purposefully hiding or omitting the whole truth. Enter- Adam and Eve. original avoid-ers trying to hide behind some bushes after they clearly messed up. Really now? Did they really think God wouldn't see?

But then again..we imitate their actions every day..

I was just watching a movie called Firelight on TV- Cuba Gooding Jr. was a counselor at this detention center for young women, and he started a program where these women would learn to become firefighters while doing their time. The main character was in for 3 years for killing a woman. She had been driving without her license and texting, when her car hits a woman. She panicked and left the scene- leaving the woman to die. Now had she taken responsibility for her actions- that woman may have stayed alive. 

Perhaps, none of our decisions have such serious consequences. Maybe they are more like my decision to avoid a lecture... But there is the underlying matter that we are prone to avoid inconvenient truths, motivated by fear, selfishness and other things.  It happens in the little white lies we tell and the times we consciously decide not to share information that sheds a negative light on ourselves.  This an aspect of our fallen nature..we are mirroring the actions of Adam and Eve in their guilt. But we have overcome our fallen nature through Christ's death and resurrection! Right?

Then why doesn't  the way we live our lives reveal our redemption from sin? Each time we avoid the whole truth for our convenience we settle for less than perfection and excellence. We determine with our own standards that we are a good person, are satisfied with our mediocrity and call it a day.

Well, that can't be enough...not if we are called to holiness. And we are. We are called to be saints. Saints makes mistakes...but saints react far differently then we do, taking responsibility for their actions and going above and beyond to prevent it from happening.

I know..its kind of ridiculous. But don't worry there is hope for those of us that have waaaaay more to go to achieve sainthood. Fr. Thomas Dubay suggests that if you follow these 7 Be's, you will discover that you are able to drop some of those silly things keeping you from the holiness that you were made for. So for further reflection... "Be concerned. Be determined. Be committed to meditative and contemplative prayer. Be motivated. Be humble. Be specific. Be persevering."

Read Deep Conversion/Deep Prayer if you want to know more about what each of those mean.. Its a good book =) 

Now just to end with some wise and witty words from Pope JPII (taken from above book). He was in bed with a fever..and this is a conversation between him and his nurse

“I am worried about your Holiness,” she remarked. He immediately responded, “I too am worried about my holiness.” Most people rightly admired John Paul II for his fearless proclamation of the truth and his wholehearted living of it. Yet he was concerned that there was yet more he should be giving.

Makes me wonder..am i worried enough about my holiness? My scraped knees think...not enough. 

[aheartofmary]

I'm A Survivor.

When I was in 7th grade, I LOVED Destiny's Child. I remember even doing a school project on them...i dont know..maybe it was because they were young, strong independent women? Or maybe i just loved the beat of the music. Whatever it was..I knew all of their songs back in the day. I don't necessarily agree with all their messages/or choice of clothing (or lack thereof lol) but for the purpose of this post...im going with Destiny's Child. Recently, the song Survivor came back into my mind, and the word survivor kept repeating in my head. 

"I'm a survivor (What?)/I'm gonna make it (What?)/I will survive (What?)/Keep on survivin' (What?)" (You gotta say the What part with some attitude by the way =p)

There really is no good word for the opposite of survivor. Casualty? I guess? The closest thing I could thing of was -victim. If one is a survivor, one has been a victim of something as well. Throughout Lent, these two words kept repeating themselves in my head and I tried to figure out what the connection was. 

My senior year of college, I was part of the SAVE program (Student Anti-Violence Education). In our training we learned a lot about abuse- emotional, physical sexual. One thing that was emphasized was the power of language. Take for example, some one who had been raped. Technically, that person is a victim..but we should refer to them as a survivor. The choice of one word makes a surprisingly big difference in perspective. 

A victim is defined as "one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent."  and a survivor is  one who is able "To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere." Even from a grammatical point of view, a victim is passive while a survivor is active. A rape survivor is way more empowered than a rape victim and is trying to move forward. A rape survivor is one that does not let the experience define their life. 

I was reflecting a lot on the dynamics of that victim-survivor relationship a lot..especially with regard to faith. Looking around, I see a lot of people who have suffered a lot. Whether its family stuff, things that have been done to them, bad situations, or mistakes they have made. Whatever it is...people have experienced adversity and pain. People have different defense mechanisms for dealing with their struggles- some become depressed, some become angry, some turn to addictions..you get the picture. I totally get it..when you are in a situation that is completely out of your control, there seems to be no other option than to be passive, and let it happen. But in doing so, many times we become endless victims by our lack of ability to get past the original pain. 

In those moments, we are not able to see past our current situation. While there might be an opportunity or goodness right in front of us, we are so overwhelmed by our situation, that we continue as victims. I guess this is something that has been happening for years...Take the story of Mary Magdalene (John 20:11-18). After Jesus died, she went to his tomb and started weeping when she could not find the body of Jesus. She looks straight at Jesus and thought that he was the gardener. In her grief, she couldn't recognize the exact thing she was looking for. A similiar thing happens to the two disciples on the way to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-35). They are so preoccupied with the tragic events of the past weekend with Christ's death and all, that they don't even realize that the stranger they walked alongside with was the very man whom they sought. 

But in an instant, when Jesus calls Mary's name and breaks bread with the disciples, everything changes. They recognize Jesus for he was, in his glorified and resurrected body. They stop being victims and immediately become empowered. Mary is called the "apostle to the apostles," because she was the first person to bring the Good News to the apostles. I mean thats a pretty big deal-Mary Mags so legit.  The other two disciples go on to share all that they had seen. In those physical situations, nothing had changed- it was the same Jesus that stood before them, but their eyes were opened and their perspective changed. 

To become a survivor, it may be as simple as a change in perspective. A survivor is empowered to get past their struggle. Your struggle doesnt magically disappear but instead of becoming an obstacle, it becomes a stepping stone for a more you, YOU. In words, it sounds fairly simple, but I know how difficult it is. It's much easier to wallow in self pity then to trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But we also have something, SOMEONE that helps us be empowered.

Drum rolll please....the original survivor himself. Jesus Christ, Savior of all mankind. He was also a victim, not only of the people who crucified him, but a willing victim for each one of our sins. He knows a little something about being a victim. He suffered and died for my sins. But his story didn't just end with his death, this sad victimization. It doesn't end on Good Friday. It doesn't even end on Holy Saturday..when his family and friends are feeling so lost and the sadness is settling around them. It ends with the joy of his resurrection on Easter. He is the ULTIMATE SURVIVOR. He literally survived the worst- death. 

So if he survived the worst...and that happened so that we would not be trapped by our sins...then what are we waiting for? How do allow ourselves to be trapped as victims of our sins or others sins? Jesus died so that we would not remain victims but have a new life- to live as survivors, empowered and joyful.

Pope Benedict says "the image of the Crucified Christ...make us realize the true seriousness of human misery, human aloneness, human sin. Yet...it has constantly been regarded as an image of consolation and hope."  

But its a challenge. It is a challenge to everyday live as if the Lord died and resurrected for us. To live with true joy and to not be overwhelmed or overcome by things that want to pull us down. But I pray that you and I may be able to live with the joy that we are meant to have, each and every day looking to the risen Lord for a new perspective and renewed hope for the life we life. 

Another awesome quote by Papa Benny: "The sin of humans has tried to make God into a liar. It has concluded that his creation is not good at all or that it is really only good for dying. Resurrection means that through the twisted paths of sin and more powerfully than sin God ultimately says: "It is good." God speaks his definitive "good" to creation by taking it upon himself and thus changing it into a permanence beyond all transience...Resurrection is the start of a present, a now that will never end. 

Resurrection is the start of a present, a now that will never end.

So to echo the words of Destiny's Child- "I'm a survivor. I'm gonna make it. I will survive. Keep on survivin."

Alleluia!

And because I cant help myself-  a video with Matt Maher's- "Come Awake" (SO appropes!)

[aheartofmary]

Endless Welfare Checks? Why YES!

So since I wrote the last post..its been RIDICULOUSLY hard to have that Mary heart. I had no problem with listening or praying, but then I was having trouble doing all the things that I had to do. God is totally throwing down a challenge. 

Exhibit A: I went to the gym (30 day living social deal! making the most of my money and trying to go every day!), adoration, mass..come home and get started on work, but various things come up- people call, my dad asks me to cut up some chicken for curry. Pretty soon its 1pm and I havent even BEGUN to open my NCLEX stuff. I was getting a little frustrated and so i figured i would clear my head..took a shower, and went to adoration again for a little bit before going to the library. Right before going in, I talked to a woman about possible jobs at a hospital and am prepared to send her my resume from my laptop. Real quickly,I realized my computer wouldnt start. (I found out later that the hard drive had crashed). Just then a good friend called. The computer thing was the last straw kinda thing and had i sat there any longer, trying to reboot my computer for the 879234 time, I prob would have had to scream and gotten kicked out of the library =p. 

When i got her call, i packed up my stuff and headed outside. Meanwhile, i was trying not to get stressed out by the fact that the few hours I had def planned to study were gone to waste bc i needed my laptop to study. I took a few deep breaths and just gave up trying to hold everything together- and let God do his thing..I ended up having 3 great conversations in those 2 hours, followed by JY prayer =)

Moral of the story: No, it wasn’t that i don’t need to study (Ha- but if that’s God will, im totally open to that- jkkk!!) but…it was my realization of how much grace I need to do all of this. Trying to keep my sanity, trying to be a saint, trying to live my life to the fullest of all that I’m made to be, trying to have a Mary heart in a Martha world etc. It's not easy-- and I def dont have what it takes to make it happen on my own. 

Thus comes my realization that I need to cash my welfare checks. Not just any kind of welfare check..but divine welfare. Yea yea, its kinda cheesy, but so true. Ralph Martin, in his book- The Fulfillment of all Desires mentions the words “divine welfare.” In it, the saints that he mentions- St. Teresa, St. Therese, St. Bernard etc, share their different experience of spiritual poverty. Those times when they clearly realized that they did not have what it takes to be a saint.  St. Therese of Lisieux even says

“Alas! I have always noticed that when I compared myself to the saints, there is between them and me the same difference that exists between a mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds and the obscure grain of sand trampled underfoot by the passers-by.”

I mean if a doctor of the Church is saying this - wheres the rest of us at?

But she and the other saints came to the realization that it was only through reliance on love and mercy of Christ that such a thing could be a reality. Its a similiar thought that keeps coming up in my life. 

Thus the welfare checks. If im in serious spiritual poverty - and in need of major grace and mercy to do what i gotta do..i better get on those welfare checks. Luckily, God is not like the government- having super strict qualifications and limitations to receive your check. (sorry not trying to get political or anything!) All you have to do is realize your poverty and BAM, almost instantaneous cashing of your check. Not only cashing- but usage of your check in the way you need- Grace, Mercy, Patience, Love, Humility etc. Even if you dont realize your spiritual poverty, God is pretty generous and hands out the check anyway =) 

At the soup kitchen, the end of month gets pretty crazy. By the end of the month, many people have used up their welfare checks and have no other options. Usually, we prepare with more food, more servers etc. These people have a limited source- and one that they can only draw from once a month! Fortunately, God gives us a much better deal when it comes to spiritual poverty…we can ask for /cash our checks every day…even several times a day in instances of severe need. Talk about giving! 

So, im trying to make more of a conscious effort to realize my spiritual poverty (before it even happens) by cashing in my welfare checks as fast as I can.

To end with St. Bernard of Clairveux, (who def cashed in many a divine welfare check in his time- as evidenced by the richness in his reflections and work)

”But as for me, whatever is lacking in my own resources I appropriate for myself from the heart of the Lord, which overflows with mercy.”

Side note: Fulfillment of all Desires is an amazing book. I totally recommend it- I am only halfway through but its so insightful, challenging, inspiring- you name it. I know some of my friends are already tired of hearing how I pretty much bring it up in every conversation- its SO relevant! 

[aheartofmary]

A Mary heart?

So in recent times, there has been a reoccuring theme in my life- that I should seek holiness and Christ in my everyday situations. So many times, I’ve wanted or tried to separate myself from that reality..and time and time again, God reminds me that it is in the particular moment that I am in that needs sanctification.  

I’ve been reflecting on the story of the two sisters in Bethany, Mary and Martha.(which leads to the creation of this blog and its title) 

As they continued their journey he entered a village where a woman whose  whose name was Martha welcomed him. She had a sister named Mary [who] sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak .Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? Tell her to help me.” The Lord said to her in reply, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her.” - Luke 10:38-42

Personally, I’ve always related with Martha..I ALWAYS have a billion things going on..and i can totally empathize with her indignation and frustration at doing all the work alone. I mean seriously Mary..can't you see she's doing all the work? 

It’s only been very recently, that I am able to see the meaning behind Jesus’ words- “Mary has chosen the better part.” Its not that Martha was bad- in fact Jesus was far from condemning her..but yet there was something missing for Martha. Her sister Mary chose to sit at the feet of Jesus, and basically absorb his presence..while Martha was missing out on the GOOD stuff. 

Taking time to just BE, or think..is a concept that is quickly fading in our society. Sometimes our world is one in which we are constantly busy, always doing this and that- and even if they are all 100% good things, we get easily tired, frustrated and straight up burned out. Helllooo...story of my LIFE. In the past few weeks, I’ve realized that without that time sitting at the feet of Jesus, my efforts (in anything) are useless. So thus sets the scene for my desire to have the heart of Mary in a world that is always in the Martha mentality. 

If I wrote an extended version of this story (is that considered a heresy?) I would imagine that Mary would call her sister to join her, they would spend some time with Jesus and when he took a nap or something, they would both go in to finish the preparations together.

ORRR the version more suitable to my life --after a while of spending time with Jesus, Martha would bring them both into the kitchen as she finished her cooking, did the chores etc and get some more quality time while she did her thing. People who know me, know that I love to cook..I enjoy feeding people and it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside =) I also like to cook alone…BUT i love having company while I cook. I loved having friends over in my college apt and catching up on life while i made garlic knots, or sweet potato fries, or muffins in my toaster oven (that thing was BEAST). It doesn’t happen as much since I’ve moved home, but its still something that I enjoy. I totally would invite Jesus into my kitchen! 

So I wanted to make a proposition for my life..moving forward..I want to bring Christ into all the aspects of my life..whether with friends, or my soon to begin nursing career, JY, the Malankara Church- you get the picture. This blog is an attempt at that and will be an assortment of reflections (channeling my inner Mary heart) and random moments of my life (being my Martha self -with a Mary heart!). 

As a fun side note: (props to Br. Lintu!)One of the congregations of the Malankara Church, The Sisters of the Imitation of Christ aka the Bethany Sisters, founded by Mar Ivanios relied on Mary and Martha as models for combining their contemplative and apostolic work. (article if you want to read more about them)

There are very few people called to live a truly contemplative life, and they are very admirable for that. But for the rest of us, we are called to have a contemplative heart in the midst and height of all our activity. 

One last thought by St. Jose M Escriva -

 "You must understand now more clearly that God is calling you to serve Him inand from the ordinary, material and secular activities of human life. He waits for us every day, in the laboratory, in the operating room, in the army barracks, in the university chair, in the factory, in the workshop, in the fields, in the home and in all the immense panorama of work. Understand this well: there is something holy, something divine, hidden in the most ordinary situations, and it is up to each of you to discover it [...]. There is no other way. Either we learn to find our Lord in ordinary, everyday life, or else we shall never find Him. That is why I can tell you that our age needs to give back to matter and to the most trivial occurrences and situations their noble and original meaning."