heart scar
so much about you reminded me of my father
when i was in my teens, i used to carry a black and white photo of him in my wallet coz i thought he was so handsome
i wanted his approval and affection so desperately
your body, your hands and your relationship with wood convinced me my mother would have also adored you
last week my sister told me in an email about the day i was born
how excited both of my sisters were to go to the hospital and see about the new baby
she thinks it's funny how sad and defeated my father looked when he returned from the maternity ward
she recounted that he had the longest face because i wasn't born as a boy
I was a dire disappointment to the most important man in my life from day 0
needless to say i don't find the humor in it
hearing the story of my birth explains my attachment to birthdays and celebrations
i so desperately needed to understand my value in your life
to know that my presence was appreciated and cherishedi wanted to know that you were happy i was alive
what if i had been celebrated and my value had been expressed and shown without any doubt?
if anyone had reasons to cheat, it was me, not you
whomever you love next, whomever she is that lifts your heart
be sure to let her know and make her feel that without question.....how your days are better with her than without her
i've been sobbing since i've heard your voice: yesterday and all day today
as for wanting the best for me; that was you, just you, nothing and no one else
i've been sobbing because i wasn't able to inspire you to rise up and be a better version of yourself
to stay connected and in real partnership
to go from growth and into healing...as a team, as a united unshakable 3rd entity
rather than
being committed to this version of yourself
rather than
running away and saying it was for my own good
we will never know what could have been
or who we would have been together
we will never ever know
