I might not be right

but I know I'm not wrong

[imightnotberight-blog1]

not sure why but I grew up with pebbles in my shoes

hard and sharp inserts pressed up into the devices that ensure my mobility

when I asked about the reason for these stones; responses were varied and inconsistent

some said there are no pebbles in my shoes

others said they were small and unnoticeable

mostly I heard that everyone in my family wears them, so what’s my problem?

now that I’m grown, I’ve made my own mind up about these stones

they slow me down, they make me feel disabled and most of all; they hurt

only one problem tho

my feet have not forgotten

my toes curl and my arch is wonky

my heel doesn’t ground and it’s so painful to stand tall, to stand proud

the worst is how I resist my own forward motion

I am no longer little

I can tie my own laces and even buy my own shoes

I can decide how I want to be in the world; in heels, in boots or barefoot

Unfortunately, no matter where I go, what I wear or how I stand…my feet remember

[imightnotberight-blog1]

[imightnotberight-blog1]

heart scar

so much about you reminded me of my father

when i was in my teens, i used to carry a black and white photo of him in my wallet coz i thought he was so handsome

i wanted his approval and affection so desperately

your body, your hands and your relationship with wood convinced me my mother would have also adored you

last week my sister told me in an email about the day i was born

how excited both of my sisters were to go to the hospital and see about the new baby

she thinks it's funny how sad and defeated my father looked when he returned from the maternity ward

she recounted that he had the longest face because i wasn't born as a boy

I was a dire disappointment to the most important man in my life from day 0

needless to say i don't find the humor in it

hearing the story of my birth explains my attachment to birthdays and celebrations

i so desperately needed to understand my value in your life

to know that my presence was appreciated and cherishedi wanted to know that you were happy i was alive

what if i had been celebrated and my value had been expressed and shown without any doubt?

if anyone had reasons to cheat, it was me, not you

whomever you love next, whomever she is that lifts your heart

be sure to let her know and make her feel that without question.....how your days are better with her than without her

i've been sobbing since i've heard your voice: yesterday and all day today

as for wanting the best for me; that was you, just you, nothing and no one else

i've been sobbing because i wasn't able to inspire you to rise up and be a better version of yourself

to stay connected and in real partnership

to go from growth and into healing...as a team, as a united unshakable 3rd entity

rather than

being committed to this version of yourself

rather than 

running away and saying it was for my own good

we will never know what could have been

or who we would have been together

we will never ever know

[imightnotberight-blog1]

blue eyes

I heard his voice today

I heard him cry today

I heard my rage again today

I felt my heart break and fall in love....again....today

its so visceral

it’s so sharp and so hot to the touch

my connection with him nearly killed me

that’s why he left and ran away

he doesn't understand that he IS the way I want to die

or maybe he does

maybe that’s why he sacrificed us 

to keep me alive

to push me into an involuntary rebirth

he was born late

refusing to leave the womb

I am also being suffocated by the placenta I've outgrown

I'm being pushed into the blinding light

rather than staying in this warm dark womb that I know and love

he killed us to give birth to me

that just makes me love AND hate him more

[imightnotberight-blog1]

it’s over

the disability won

neither of us could be there unconditionally for each other

neither of us could or would give in the face of no reciprocation

i had no business getting into that mess in the first place

i was gullible and naive and just plain ol’ immature and irresponsible

i always seem to choose the options with the least odds and highest obstacles

he and i did not have great odds, not then not ever

it’s easier to walk away when there is something to walk toward

i’m walking toward myself again

i’m walking around cape town again

i am back INTO my own life again.....aaaaaaahhhhh :)

[imightnotberight-blog1]

fuck work

how much more?

has it been enough?

what else is there?

who thinks what?

when can i stop/rest/chill/enjoy?

how do i stop?

all answerable questions

i’ve got 3 dozen answers apiece

except for the ‘why’

why on god’s green earth 

why must we produce like we’ve taken a high interest loan from the atmosphere  for the use of the oxygen we breathe?

why must we poison ourselves, sicken ourselves, torture, push & attack everything and everyone?

why is it necessary to fill each day with as much ‘productivity’ as possible?

i really gotta read george orwell again, and soon

we are either the smartest barn animal or the fucking dumbest but easiest to train

do you see chickens freaking out coz they are not fat enough or their tits are not big enough?

do you ever see suicidal & masochistic beef running toward the abattoir?

do you ever see geese binge eating until they explode because they have an eating disorder?

what the fuck are we doing as a human race of animals?

we have bought this whole scam not only to resell and peddle to others but we are shaming those that aspire toward the opposite; sustainable laziness 

yup, just made that puppy up in my own little head

what is sustainable laziness?

doing what needs to be done to REVERSE our daily existential footprint from the face of this green earth

to use, and enjoy and savour and replenish

to replant and replace 

to share and to pass on

to reuse and to cherish

to think and to give a shit

it is said that humans are unfinished animals

i doubt i have ever heard truer words

The distinguished anthropologist, Clifford Geertz, said, years ago, that human beings are the "unfinished animals." And what he meant by that was that it is only human nature to have a human nature that is very much the product of the society in which people live. That human nature, that is to say our human nature, is much more created than it is discovered. We design human nature by designing the institutions within which people live and work.

And so you people -- pretty much the closest I ever get to being with masters of the universe -- you people should be asking yourself a question, as you go back home to run your organizations. Just what kind of human nature do you want to help design?

http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_the_way_we_think_about_work_is_broken/transcript?language=en#t-411170

[imightnotberight-blog1]

why suffer?

why is it even possible to not love oneself?

how is that even a wide spread condition?

what physical, spiritual or heavenly purpose does it serve to self loathe?

life is school

a corridor of thousands of lifetimes, innumerable lessons

why does our soul let our personality linger and loiter in the more painful lessons?

why do some of us wallow and loathe and implode in this space, surrendering our power, faking amnesia, pretending we forget who we are and where we come from

why do i choose this for myself?

for this long?

there is nothing evolutionary in the wallow

there are no fruits on the branches of pitiful voluntary suffering

ok, then!

just leap

change the landscape 

open new eyes

let her die once and for all

bloom into the next level

emancipate out of the chrysalis

choose better

choose more

choose happy

choose love

choose kindness and softness

choose hope

choose self trust

choose self love

[love-personal]

[imightnotberight-blog1]

we don’t know what we don’t know

only now

only these last few days

these last few weeks

am i just starting to conceptualise that i’ve been having such a nightmare i’ve been asleep terrified

frozen

in perpetual freeze/defend mode

not lucid

i feel so astounded at my anger

how blind i have been to it even though i was living it

how i don’t understand it’s origin how i seem to be one of the few that has it

how happy those that don’t have it seem to be i feel it’s cursed my life that i’m infected by it

i never even realised that i was seeing everyone as an attacker

i never realised the level to which i was aggressive

most of all...i don’t know why usually when i am unable to answer my own question, i ruminate until i hit anxiety and nausea

this time, not being able to answer my own question brings peace and so much rest to my heart

the question i ask myself now is: why not really see every face as benevolent, as a potential ally, as a fellow student why not?

i don’t know why not so then my answer is that as often as i can remember, i anchor myself into the knowledge that we are all fellow students going through our life’s curriculum

[imightnotberight-blog1]

bubbles of space are appearing between my ego and my perception

pockets of air shift my consciousness 

remembering to speak of my ego in the third person is the most helpful thing i can do

[ilovespiritualgangster]

[imightnotberight-blog1]

who wired my brain together and who is the one assessing the lack of functionality?

[imightnotberight-blog1]

auto-immune...an oxymoron

in this moment

and for as long as i can remember

i find myself living with pain caused by auto-immune imbalance

my head feels like a balloon so full of air that one more half breath and it will...

my body feels has that numbing that comes when there’s a level of consistent pain...simultaneously de-sensitized and raw 

auto-immune

‘immune’ is defines against the outside world

‘auto’ purports to the self in addition to the automatic

the auto-immune experience i am having is commonly called depression/anxiety

i call it a mysterious, confusing, persistent, unrelenting, draining and thieving attack against myself

an attack that betrays my personality, my soul, my life, my progress and my hopes for the next hour....considering the outcomes of tomorrow feels like everest

my ‘immunity’ is there as a support system for me from foreign invaders

instead it’s ravaging my insides...an emotional cancer

i love my soul

hate my personality

HATE IT

...what is that?

what would make me feel this way about myself?

what is the kink in the system that has disrupted my synapses?

evaporated my endorphins

and poisoned my serotonin?

i see my values

and i don’t care

i see what i DO produce

i see how HARD i work at my own evolution

yet the cozy inferno of self directed vitriol is the cozy cave i seem to retreat to consistently, regularly and diligently

dear universe, please help

thank you <3

[imightnotberight-blog1]

broke[n]

the universe is least generous to those of us that are broke[n]

dollar for dollar

tear for smile

if the diamond that flickers on the tip of a leaf in the sunlight is left unseen

there isn't enough coal or pressure in all of the world to convince the un-seer

wealth lies within our senses

in the hearing/touching/feeling/speaking realms of existence

can i sit with physical pain and not verbally attack it away?

can i hear unkind words without the rising of my own hatred?

can i be touched by those who need me without carving out my own soul?

can i speak everything that spooks me about myself and not edit any of it?

can i be as i am?

can i really grasp this gift of breath?

who do i thank for my awareness of my own consciousness?

what happens on the inside of a one way cubed mirror?

the reflections that travel out into infinity, do they make a sound?

who put the cube there in the first place?

why is there such a thing as mirror...a reflective substance?

the tiniest spec of dust in this cube

reflects back an infinite universe of suspended diamonds in the air

effortlessly, without travel or distance, just...there

what are the things that are reflected in the cube of my mind?

infinitely broke[n]....or infinitely affluent?

[imightnotberight-blog1]

chronic

my boyfriend lives with chronic pain

he thinks and feels that i don’t understand and i can’t relate

i can and i can’t

my chronic pain is not in my back or in my pelvis, it’s in my head

they say that depression activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain

my whole body feels like it’s being pushed through two massive steam rollers

i feel suffocated and overwhelmed and heavy and in pain

i try to steal moments of peace by going to sleep early in the evening

i feel relieved when the jolt of anxiety arrives at 6 am instead of 3 am

the reprimand and judgement and self attack is so vicious in the early morning hours

i had to create a mantra to stop me from drowning:

‘i love myself no matter what’

maybe i should just cry more

get it all out of my system

tears activate endorphins in the body 

the tears burn though

they feel spiky and hot and sharp...mainly they just feel pointless

i’m not clear as to how all this self hatred got it’s teeth into me so deep

it’s a damn shame and a nearly unbearable existence 

faith is my lifeline at the moment

faith that i’m learning and growing

faith that there’s a reason for these strong sensations in my body

faith that it won’t always feel this way

faith that the whole point of consciousness/universe/life is to experience love 

i am being tested right now

how much can i love myself regardless of my own judgments?

how much can i stay open in the face of hostility?

how many times do i get up in the morning regardless of the mental & physical pain?

how do i always find another way?

i know that there’s no point in trying to run away

if it’s not this life, then it’s another

i am consciousness experiencing itself

the phase i am in now is about self acceptance and self expression

sensation does not and cannot fully exist without pain

being alive is to be in sensation

it’s the sensation of being compressed into a single meat bag

it’s too much charge, too much power, too much looking back at itself into infinity

it’s an exploding star and a black hole all at once

it’s pain and it’s ok

[imightnotberight-blog1]

[imightnotberight-blog1]

over-stimulated :-\