[Beer, Pizza, & Little Red Riding Hood]
Ft. Junior, Dino, Faith, Keith, West Sector
Junior: Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived an adorable little girl. Because she always wore the red cape that her grandmother made for her, everyone called her “Little Red Riding Hood”.
Junior: One day, Little Red Riding Hood’s mother called her in with a request.
Dino: Your poor grandmother has been feeling ill lately. Could you be a dear and go check up on her?
Faith: Hmm, nope, sounds annoying. Can’t someone else do it?
Junior: Hey! The hell are you doing, Shitty DJ!? Stick to the script!
Faith: I could say the same about you, Narrator…
Junior: Don’t use logic with me! Why am I the Narrator and you Little Red Riding Hood in the first place!?
Faith: Well if you want to be Little Red Riding Hood, I’d be more than happy to switch. You’d make a cute little girl, wouldn’t you, Ochibi-chan?
Junior: Hrk…
Dino: Little Red Riding Hood? Who are you talking to?
Faith: Aha, don’t worry about it.
Dino: Oh darling, don’t be like that. I’m asking you to go because I can’t for inexplicable reasons.
Dino: Uu, grandmother’s sick… And I can’t visit her… It’s too terrible… You’re our last hope!
Faith: Huh? Hey mom, are you alright?
Dino: Granny means everything to me, gramps too! Taking care of the elderly is… Love and peace!
Faith: Sigh… That got annoying fast. Alright, I’m heading to grandma’s.
Dino: Oh, wait, wait. Make sure to take this pizza and wine with you. I’m a bit worried about sending you off on your own, so make sure you don’t stray from the path and head directly to grandmother’s house.
Faith: Okay, whatever. This is annoying, but I’ll do it.
Junior: And just like that, Little Red Riding Hood headed off to the woods in search of Grandmother’s house…
Junior: …Huh. Why the heck is he bringing pizza to a sick person?
♡♥♡
Faith: Hmmhmm… Everything about this is annoying, but at least the weather is nice. It’s not so bad walking around like this. Mom told me to stick to the path, but there’s nothing wrong with taking the scenic route, right?
Junior: Little Red Riding Hood then did whatever the hell she wanted to and began to wander through the woods when a voice suddenly called out to her.
Keith: Afternoon, Little Red Riding Hood. Where are ya headin’ off to?
Faith: Umm, who’s asking?
Keith: I’m a wolf who lives in the forest.
Faith: A wolf… I did hear rumors about a big bad wolf who attacks people around here.
Keith: A big, bad wolf? I ain’t like that. I'm a wolf that never mingles with people, a good wolf. Sure, I got into some trouble in the past, but recently it’s been all smiles with everyone I meet. Right now, I'm just happy drinkin’ booze. Yep, that'd be enough for me, delicious booze. I can smell some of the really good stuff on ya so that's why I called out to you.
Faith: You smell alcohol on me? Oh, you must be talking about the wine I’m bringing for grandma. You want some?
Keith: Heh, you pick up quick. Gimme some of that and I’ll leave ya alone.
Faith: And if I don’t?
Keith: Heh, I think you know without me sayin’ it, yeah?
Faith: Yeah, yeah, I get you. Fine, you can have some, but keep your word, alright?
Keith: Thanks. Oh yeah, now we’re talkin’. This is the stuff. Seeya, Lil’ Red. Stay safe, ya hear?
Faith: Sigh… First time I’ve ever heard of an alcoholic wolf. Well, I’m glad nothing happened. Guess I’ll just keep taking my sweet time then.
Junior: And so, Little Red Riding Hood continued to ignore everything her mother said and idled away in the woods.
Junior: Unbeknownst to her, the wolf was watching from the shadows.
♡♥♡
Keith: That Little Red Riding Hood’s just taking a nap in the woods without a care in the world. Talk about a lack of survival skills.
Keith: I was lucky enough to score some wine off of her, but drinking the good stuff just makes you want some snacks to go with it, yeah? I’m pretty sure her grandmother’s house is somewhere around here. If I get there first, we can really get this party started.
♡♥♡
Dino: Is that you, Little Red Riding Hood? I can’t get out of bed right now, so could you get the key and let yourself in?
Keith: (Ohoho, score! It looks like Granny doesn’t have any survival skills either!)
Dino: Oh good, I’m so glad you’re here. I was so looking forward to my piz— I mean, to seeing your face.
Dino: Oh—
Keith: Too bad, Granny. I ain’t your granddaughter or your pizza. Why don’t you see for yourself who I really am!
♡♥♡
Junior: After a long, and I mean, lo—ng nap, Little Red Riding Hood finally woke up. Remembering why she was even there in the first place, she set off for Grandmother’s house and arrived long past scheduled.
Faith: Grandma’s house… Should be right by this river…
Faith: Huh? That’s weird… Why is the door wide open?
Faith: Grandma? Are you there? It’s Little Red Riding Hood.
Faith: (Hm, it’s too quiet. Is she outside?)
Faith: Huh? Were you sleeping this whole time? You shouldn’t leave the door open, Grandma. An intruder might come in.
Faith: It reeks of alcohol in here, Grandma. Have you been drinking?
“Grandma”: Just a bit.
Faith: Huh?
“Grandma”: I mean, I was disinfecting the place with alcohol.
Faith: Grandma, you sound a bit different from usual.
“Grandma”: Well, I did catch a cold…
Faith: Okaay… Oh, right, I brought you a pizza.
“Grandma”: A pizza? Oh, yeah, I’ll eat that later if you could just leave that there…
Faith: Ok, that’s really weird. You love pizza, Grandma. Shouldn’t you be more excited?
“Grandma”: Yippee! I love pizza! Wow, I’m so happy! Surely this’ll make me feel better!
Faith: …Aren’t you gonna say that thing you always do?
“Grandma”: That thing?
Faith: Y’know? Your catchphrase? Blank and blank?
“Grandma”: Blank and blank? I- I got it! Black and white?
Faith: The hell is that?
Keith: It’s a whiskey brand… Haha, was I right?
Faith: Grandma… When did you know so much about alcohol? It’s like you’re a completely different person.
Keith: Ok yeah, sorry ‘bout this but while Grandma loves a good pizza, when it comes to drinking snacks, nothing hits like a good hunk of meat!
♡♥♡
Keith: Gulp, gulp… Damn, that hit the spot. Swallowin’ those two whole sure filled me up, and the wine Lil’ Red had really topped it off. Maybe it’s time to take a nap.
Junior: With his stomach completely full, the wolf let himself drift to sleep. Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandmother were entirely gobbled up and never seen again… Until I had something to say about it!
♡♥♡
Junior: It’s finally my turn to shine! Everyone knows who I am! The amazing huntsman!
Junior: I’ll take down that wolf and save Little Red Riding Hood and her grandm—
Dino: Oh, Mr. Huntsman, heyo.
Junior: What!?
Faith: Ochibi-chan… I mean, Mr. Huntsman, right?
Junior: W- What is going on here? Did someone already save you? Even though it was supposed to be me!?
Faith: Oh, nothing like that. Grandma just smelled pizza and that woke her right up.
Dino: Yeah, I really wanted to eat it. You want some too? It’s great!
Junior: How the hell did Grandma get out on her own!? And win against the big bad wolf!?
Dino: Yeah, I’m not really sure why, but I happen to be a werewolf.
Junior: A w- werewolf? You!?
Faith: Yeah, compared to that big bad wolf, Grandma was bigger and badder, so he just gave in and started drinking.
Keith: Zzz, I can still keep goin'……
Junior: This is unbelievable... I was pushed into this when I wasn't even needed in the first place.
Faith: Haha, too bad, right, Mr. Huntsman? And after you made all that effort to show up.
Junior: KI—————————————————! Exactly! This was supposed to be my moment!
Keith: Shaddup. I’m tryna’ sleep here, who the hell is makin’ all that noise!?
Keith: Wait, ain’t that the huntsman!? Shit, this is bad! I gotta get outta here!
Keith: Shit! Fuck! I drank too much!
[Splash]
Faith: Huh, he fell into the river.
Dino: Sure did.
Faith: In the end, mother was right. Never stray from the path and head directly to your goal.
Faith: Sorry about putting you in danger, Grandma.
Dino: All’s well that ends well, right? We even got rid of the wolf, so it’s all good! Love and peace!
Junior: Don’t just end the story with whatever you want! What about me!?