#hellablerbs

[daddy-ikari]

Feeling hella shitty emotion wise so here are some good looks from the last couple weeks. Tbh there's nothing quite like feeling really beautiful and good to help make me more positive. Probably not a great habit but it's certainly nice. Idk. I'm in a really weird place with everything. I haven't been feeling ultra femme either but unlike my normal state of mine that's been ok? Like I've felt more comfortable and beautiful in more masculine attire n shit so that's nice I'm a mess tbh

[daddy-ikari]

I was tagged by @ayzrules​ & @epiphanycentral​ to do the top 15 songs of the moment tag!! So below you’ll find 15 of my fav songs of the moment, including some that I can never NOT love tbh.

Crooked Tooth // Little Junior

Velvet Elvis // Kasey Musgraves

Superstar // Sonic Youth

All Over the World // ELO

Last Train to London // ELO

Bad Girls // St. Vincent

Heart 2 Heart // Lisa Prank

A New Wave // Sleater-Kinney

Disappointing Diamonds Are the Rarest of Them All // Father John Misty

I Am Trying to Break Your Heart // Wilco

Ask DNA // The Seatbelts

4 Leaf Clover - Ravyn Lenae

Make Me Feel // Janelle Monae

Tonya Harding // Sufyan Stevens

 Boot // Tamar-kali

I get mad anxiety when I tag other people but if ya see this on ur feed feel free to do it!!! It was oddly like...really challenging? But as per usual still a whole lot of fun!!

[daddy-ikari]

hey y’all!

i’ve been having mad financial trouble bc every time I get any help, it immediately goes to living costs bc Corvallis is the worst and my current housing is honestly too expensive sooooo.....I’ve set up a ko-fi! 

I’m not gonna say I’m in the worst financial situation ever, I’ve been very lucky....HOWEVER...any amount would be helpful! You can also hit up my paypal, and if you’d like me to draw you something please ask! I’m not confident enough to ask for paid commissions but I also don’t want ya to donate and feel like I’m just asking for money.

Examples of what I will be using any money for are; detergent/laundry, food essentials, essential art supplies (microns & the like), as well as rent/internet/electricity bills, student bills.

Love y’all and hope this doesn’t like a gross request, I feel really uncomfortable since I’m not in a particularly shitty situation but I’d be lying if I said I was havin’ a good time with finances. 

[daddy-ikari]

I care more about the mother that gave me away as a child then the aunties and grandparents that helped my fathers raise me. It's not that I outwardly express it, but I'm so afraid of my dad's family. I don't know why, well I know why with Keith's mom...it just makes me very sad. But they love me. They're overbearing though and it stresses me out but they were there from the beginning. I have honestly kind of hit a wall in terms of dealing with my emotions towards them and it makes me uneasy knowing I might lose my grandmother or aunt or grandfather any day. And what would I do if I hadn't called them for an entire year beforehand? That's being melodramatic but I'm the worst niece and granddaughter. I'm also just a mediocre friend and lover. But that's besides the point. That's an entirely different set of internalized issues.

[daddy-ikari]

confused ya know

i tried to just kinda rest my foot against his while we were in the dj booth last night but he just kind of...got super uncomfortable? :( like i know we had talked about no pda on the fourth floor, this was the most pg thing i could have done (like there’s literally a giant table blocking any view of our legs?)....and i don’t know, it was just so awkward last night because i wanna be cutesy but part of that is being a little more touchy (like not mackin hard core or anything) but he just...doesn’t like it? like the people in the booth next to us couldn’t even see our feet touch but he still moved a few feet away from me after i mentioned it?

and i want him to be comfortable, like again i totally understand why he wanted to do no pda in the sec...but sometimes it literally just feels like he’d rather people at kbvr don’t know we’re dating? i don’t know...like this one dude that was blatantly hitting on me was literally in the next room and he was worried that we would be too coupley in front of him? like...of course no one knows we’re dating because we only ever kiss in the elevator or hold hands outside the building but then like you purposefully sit next to me and only talk to me when i come to the sec and like...i probably couldn’t even call him a pet name without making him extremely uncomfortable.

I don’t know, it’s still really good! Like don’t get me wrong...I think he’s a little annoyed we haven’t really moved farther in the physical parts of the relationship (god bless sickness and breakthrough bleeding) but I feel comfortable doing that with him?? I guess?? But if I’m not...will he just break up with me? I thought he was better then Gabe, and we certainly communicate about sexual stuff more but I’m also not sure how far that extends? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt in terms of emotional maturity and being cool about the fact that sex is uncomfortable but I am never really sure because there is this extreme contrast. 

Going from being as platonic as possible to like...my house or his house where all of a sudden he’s super handsy and flirty and basically all he wants to do is canoodle...when it’s like...I want to just be a couple for a bit and hang and do cute stuff because we don’t really do that when we’re hanging in the SEC but...the second we start kissing that’s all we end up doing. Like when I went to his house, I was super excited to play with the synths and play video games but we basically hopped into bed the second we got there and it’s like...I could have said ‘hey let’s not’ but then later I feel bad because like...he’s always super turned on and I don’t want to break the mood.

Anyways, I am being super chill, thanks to anti-depressants...but damn...boys are fuckin weird y’know.

[daddy-ikari]

Tmi Saturday's lol

As much as I enjoyed last night my neck totally hurts from being bent over his arm in such a weird way lol also he's a v wet kisser so I think I'm gonna have to be honest and like have us work on that...if it even happens again yknow? I think it will? But hopefully we won't rush into going steady or something bc I'm getting flash backs to past relationships and tbh he's cool and I don't want it to end up like those. Also I'm definitely taking a risk by like doing this w a dude from the radio station, bc even if we say we'll be cool about it like...we'll be seeing each other A LOT...but I hope even if this doesn't work out we can stay friends and what not. He's super awkward and it's nice to have someone who is as awkward as me in a way where we can still communicate.

[daddy-ikari]

omg....shit....ummmmmm.....tonight has been really nice? i hope i didn’t ruin it by trying to get him to take a scarf or something so he would be warm. like damn, all of these people keep saying they’re having shitty friday the 13ths but like...i literally kissed a boy i really liked and we just listened to angsty music and held each other and it was just so nice. i have to grow comfortable not trying to shove affection into every interaction but...i believe in myself! i hope that he will still care for me if he ever sees me w less clothes on but i can’t allow that fear to ruin what good is coming rn.

it’s nice because we are both super awkward but we are comfortable voicing that awkwardness and anything we mught 

i don’t want to make any assumptions about this...idk where it will go, if he’s serious or just hyped to be gettin some mack time w ya boi. i like him a whole lot and he’s very handsome...

AND THERE WAS THIS WHOLE PLAYLIST that we tag teamed and i kept reading into the songs and it was like....HE WAS ACTUALLY HINTING ABOUT IT??? omg it was just so nice, we were all cozy in my room and just...a good evening all aorund.

we’ll see if this...if this “becomes” anything...we kissed goodbye so that’s good i guess??? idk, i’m just trying my best to be cool.

[daddy-ikari]

Our new roomie moved in. He's got the thickest Latvian/Spanish accent and he's all tatted up. It's actually kind of hilarious because he's this small dude and he's wearing like ultimate old man clothes (looks cozy as hell) but then both of his arms are covered in tattoos. He seems cool, pretty low key. I just hope he's cool w weed and alcohol. Like not crazy or anything but yknow.