// I've been doing a ton of job hunting in my absence. I need to focus on getting a job for a number of reasons, one being I made it a goal of 2014.
I didn't mean to basically poof on everyone. It just sort of happened... because I developed trust issues toward myself.
I'm hoping to maybe get to replies soon. I just need to know my decision to do replies I owe isn't just me running away from what I'm dealing with in real life... because it's what I do. I use rp as an escape, and for a while, I thought that that was okay... But it really isn't- for me, at least.
If you're taking a hiatus for any length of time, could you give the mods a shout? Sometimes we miss things, so sending a quick message to the marvelhellonearth account helps to ensure we see your announcement.
And, of course, send us a message when you come back and are ready to play again. :3
Thanks!
-- Terranmun
P.S. One character/player I know of that's currently on hiatus is our male!Lust, avengerclintbarton. Do you know of any others?
// So.. Here's the scoop. I'm only posting this on this account first because of the au I joined in on, and I want to make sure anyone I have/start any threads with (in the HoE au & outside of that) within the next few weeks to a month or so is aware that: I am not going to be ignoring anyone. I'm not abandoning this account, or any of my rp accounts for that matter.
However... Some serious stuff is going down in my life outside of the internet. Read at your own risk. I won't deny there are some things that may be triggering. I'm not looking for attention, sympathy, or anything of the sort. This is simply me explaining why I've been so 'somewhat kinda there but not really' as far as replies and such go.
Let me just begin this section below the cut by saying that one of the reasons why I ever started to RP years ago in the first place was because it gave me some place to escape to.. It gave me something to put my mind to when reality was getting to be far too much to handle. Maybe that's been part of the problem. I'm 22 years old now, and I can't keep on running.
For some years now (and by years, I really mean yeeeears), I have had some mental health problems. It all started when I was twelve years old, or at least that's the best I can guess. It all probably started because of bullying. Nonstop, constant bullying. I have thick skin, but even thick skin can wear thin.
I wasn't okay, but I had some really great people for friends. They were my safety net. They kept me sane. They gave me a reason to stay.. And I thought that would always be enough.
I was fooling myself. I always fool myself. I have stretches of time where I'll actually be okay, and nothing can get me down. At some point, it becomes me basically tricking myself into believing I am-- even though at some point in time, I started crumbling. I just denied myself the ability to notice or realize it.
I was a junior in high school in spring 2008, just shy of seventeen, when I finally reached out for help by asking my guidance counselor to help me talk to my parents about getting serious help. I landed my family in counseling, in addition to my parents being told back then to get me a therapist. The family counseling only happened because the school nurse made sure that that much was done at the very least. They never got me a therapist. I was left to my own devices, even after they'd been told I was physically harming myself. They were told twice. Nothing was ever done. I had to find a way to make myself stop.
Let's fast forward a bit. Just know that I eventually fought my way through stopping the self-harm. I'd been working, and that may be the only reason why I did stop-- for the sake of not having to hide my arms. I'm not sure how I've managed to stay free of it since no longer working & failing to get myself employed again. Also, just know that I had a long stretch where I thought I was just doing fine. But then I had a bit of a meltdown on the job one day, and it was all downhill from there. I had been verbally attacked by a co-worker the morning this happened, and the co-worker was never properly reprimanded for his actions or anything-- despite the public humiliation & me having a major panic attack that lasted three hours... And having to get back to work once I had "calmed down."
I haven't been working since October 2011 (about a year after the verbal attack happened to me), mind you.This is because I simply just stopped showing up to work because I had a serious mental breakdown and a half. Things had not been going well in the work place, it was stressing me out, I'd been screwed out of a proper raise in my hourly wage due to someone else's massive fuck up, despite me going above and beyond my duties as an employee, and I'd been having mini panic attacks while just driving to work, and even more during my shifts. I couldn't take it anymore, and I dropped off the face of the earth. No one ever knew what happened to me. One person contacted me to see if I was okay. All they got was a "no; I'm not well. that's all i can say, other than it's deeply personal & i'm trying to get help."
It took me two months, a relative speaking up to my father not getting me the help I need when he'd been through something similar, nothing being done to get me help, and then a former co-worker flipping shit on him for me to finally get help finding a therapist.
I've been going to therapy for two and a half years, just about... And I haven't gotten much better. I made some progress.. Baby steps, and I was okay with that. Then my car accident happened (after just beginning to get some sort of an income coming in, working off the radar for the sake of untaxed pay for a while, until I could find a real paying job), miraculously not getting myself and three friends killed- even if it wasn't my fault, I still felt responsible as the driver. In addition to anxiety, panic attacks, and possibly depression & bi-polar being an expressed concern/possibility... I was told I have a touch of PTSD, and I'll possibly be living with that for the rest of my life. (Yes, the accident was THAT bad.)
Despite the events of 2013 (and believe me, I'm giving the shortened story), I thought I was managing rather well. I'd been lying to myself. I started to realize this ever so slowly, thanks to a number of signs that have happened repeatedly since age 15 when I started to get really bad:
the random knots in my stomach
random tightness in my chest
the god-awful moodswings from hell
feeling miserable out of absolutely nowhere
being insulted or hurt by things not even directed toward me
racing thoughts at night
spontaneous bouts of what felt like insomnia
going from having a mildly acceptable sleeping schedule to suddenly not being able to sleep, or i end up staying up for 24hrs at a time or until i'm so exhausted i'm in physical pain before i can finally fall asleep
Then there's the fact that I can't even distract myself or put my mind to RPing, because my mind and emotions are so all over the placed and frazzled that I can't even focus on distracting myself from anything other than the manic state I'm in.
The list goes on. I always miss something.. But I'll just start wanting to bawl my eyes out for no reason sometimes. Other times, I can peg a reason. I've been a total emotional wreck, and when I realize that I'm not okay, and that I'd been kidding myself for any amount of time... Then I really start to lose it.. To the point I start absolutely freaking the fuck out all the more, convinced that I've finally gone completely insane.
I finally broke to the point of no return it seems. For the first time in several years, I've been at war with myself over not inflicting any sort of harm upon myself. I've had other times where I've felt the urge, but never before have I felt my arms spasm because the urge was so bad.
And finally, one of my breakdowns lined up to the point that I had to call my therapist in hopes that I could get in to see her or at least talk to her on the phone. Fortunately, there were friends present when this happened, and they were able to keep my mind occupied to get through the day. I was so emotionally exhausted that getting through the day was physically painful and just as exhausting. Because I'd tried to get in touch with my therapist, there was no avoiding the subject of what happened the next day when my actual appointment was.
Spilling all of that left her almost speechless and floored, because I'd seemingly been doing relatively okay. I had to explain this whole denial thing that I do to myself.
This leads me to why I may or may not disappear, or my activity on any and all of my accounts may be especially inconsistent compared to usual.
After all this time, and thanks to my massive episode stretching over the course of weeks now, I may soon be able to know what the hell is wrong with me. I've done several job applications despite how badly I freak out over the thought of not getting a job (I've had nothing but failed attempts, except for an off the books job I had to leave because of all of my injuries courtesy of my accident), I have to follow through, score some interviews & score at least one job out of whatever I get, and see what happens.
Come February, I'll be seeing a psychiatrist to figure out if I need to be medicated for depression. I can deal with the highs I have, but it's the lows that bring me to the brink of insanity... And each time I hit a rock bottom state, it gets increasingly worse and worse to the point I feel sick and don't eat for days. It's just not healthy.
I need to focus on myself. I can't keep running to fictional realms whenever life gets to be too much. I've never thought of myself as being a coward, and it's starting to get to the point where I'm viewing myself as one for lying to myself, for hiding in fictional worlds. I have to get my life back in order, because I've let myself spiral out of control.
This isn't goodbye. I intend to keep RPing. I just need to know that I'm not running away from something every time I sign on to do replies or anything.
Hmm, one thing I've been wondering is, we all know that Death does not allow people to be taken before their time, but what if some of the lower level demons are killing people in the manner that they were not meant to die. Perhaps kidnapping or manipulating them in a way that they die at the time they're supposed to, but not in the way they were fated to.
And perhaps that is the next stage of the war, screwing up the overall natural order of things. Because I imagine that maybe Heaven still wants to maintain such balance and fate, but Hell is purposely messing it up. (doesn't help that there are places Heaven's creatures can't go).
I dunno, I was just trying to think of ways to upset or frustrate Chas and this is what I thought of.
Well, I know already that the Horsemen and Sins are still going around messing with people, but I imagine that in a way that's simply an extension of what was expected or supposed to be (after all the Apocalypse was foretold and it's overall pattern largely laid out by God). But maybe the actions of these lower level demons is a bit more insidious and unexpected, and perhaps not even fully condoned. Cause people meant to go to Heaven are going to purgatory or hell, people meant for purgatory are going to Heaven, ect ect.
// Sorry I disappeared just as I was getting back into the swing of things. The holiday season (Thanksgiving-end of January) is not a good time of year for me at all. I get into a funk and tend to vanish. Many apologies to anyone I had started talking to/interacting with (especially in the HoE AU).
You know i just realised. If the Virtues are able to affect demons of lesser pet than them they could really cause some chaos among Hell's ranks. A slew of demons turning towards helping others, acts of kindness, following the path of Right, and in the end seeking redemption and Cleansing.
The role of Adam has been reopened. Many thanks to lostboyorprince for your time with us!
Characters Open:
Adam -- First Man
Cain -- First Murderer
Gluttony (F) -- Sin
Sloth (F) -- Sin
Patience (M) -- Virtue
Charity (M) -- Virtue
Chastity (F) -- Virtue
Kindness (F) -- Virtue
Diligence (F & M) -- Virtues
Temperance (F & M) -- Virtues
Some New Folks to Follow & Play With:
Belial/Pride (M)
Genie/Shinigami Stark
Phil Coulson
Charity (F)
Kindness (M)
Feeling Adventurous? Check out the Dusty Old Souls RPG!
The Flitter-Flutter of Tiny Wings...? In case you missed it, Zachariel and War had been having a secret relationship together. After a night with Jose Cuervo, they woke up in Vegas with rings on their fingers. Now, it looks like a Magic Anon has gifted them with the opportunity to become parents. Watch this space or their blogs for more info.
Abbadon Prepares to Take Flight! As was hinted in her character profile, Abbadon is now actively working to change sides and regain her Grace.
What Did We Miss? Has something significant happened to your character lately? Something that's going to affect the whole verse? Be sure to let the mods know so we can announce it here!
