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FC Cologne to sue Real Madrid over mascot dispute

Goa T.S. Gutsand 18.07.20

One of Spain´s most prestigious football clubs is facing a lawsuit as Marcus Gisdol (50), coach of Bundesliga participant FC Köln (better known as ‘Effzeh’ among fans), has announced his intention to take court action over the two clubs´ long-time mascot quarrel. “We have put up with this farce for too long” Gisdol argued during last week´s press conference. “We´ve been working with goats for over seventy years now, effectively reducing goat unemployment across the world by 0.001 percent.”

“And then big clubs like Real come along and try to pass off our achievements as their own. Diese [REDACTED] geht mir so auf den [REDACTED]-...” FC Cologne´s aim, according to various German sources, will be to restore their status as the only goat-implementing football club.

However, their Spanish counterparts have published their own version of the events unfolding for the past few years. Real Madrid released an official statement a few hours after Gisdol´s interview, claiming that the accusations were ‘uncalled for’. “Real Madrid will not bow to international pressure. Goats will forever have a place at the Santiago Bernabeu.”

Further comments on the issue include none other than Real´s infamous captain, Sergio Ramos (34). “I don´t know about hens and Carnival and shit” he was recorded saying in response to this reporter´s latest inquiries. “All I know is that we were doing rondos one day, and then this horned [REDACTED] showed up. Few hours later, Florentino made him hoof-sign his first contract. And man, we´ve all seen what he can do on the pitch.”

UEFA officials have accepted the case and are expected to schedule a court meeting at their earliest convenience. In the meantime, Real Madrid will be expected to bench one of the most unconventional players in football history, although his coach has already taken measures to ensure that the conflict will be resolved quietly. “If they don´t like the fact that Luka is a goat, that´s fine.” Z. Zidane (48) has the solution. “We´ll put a clause in his contract. He´ll officially be a shepherd dog from now on. Germans love them, right?”

Gisdol, however, was unmoved by the suggestion. “ [REDACTED] that [REDACTED] [REDACTED] ” he said when confronted with Zidane´s proposition. “I´ll [REDACTED] [REDACTED] in the [REDACTED].” Experts estimate the current chances of the two clubs reconciling in the near future to be lower than Real Madrid´s chance to win their 2019/20 Champions League campaign.

Find more football news here: https://goats-guts-and-glory.tumblr.com/post/623922491093647360/scientists-baffled-by-new-creature-judging-from