Honey Boo Boo Child
Honey Boo Boo Child Disclaimer: In an attempt to help people understand something that they have not experience, I try to relate it to something that they have experienced. For example: if you have never had fried frog legs, I will tell you that they taste like fried chicken legs. See how that works? Okay, for Honey Boo Boo, finding that experience was a little bit more difficult. After several shots of Johnny Red and many hours of thinking about it in the “library”, it finally came to me. I figured out how to relate this show to you. Warning: this is not for the faint of heart and those with a weak constitution. If you have a faint heart or a weak constitution, stop now. Do not read any further. You have been warned. What is this show like? You remember that one time (for some of you, a hell of a lot more than just one time) when you were not able to take a shit? Two days later and you still have not been able to take a shit? After you have had enough, you break out that home remedy of rhubarb pie and overcooked corn on the cob to help loosen up your intestines, which in turn causes you to take off running to the bathroom? You make it to the restroom and you quickly discover that the fact that you have not taken a shit in the last two days is about to bite you in the ass. This is where the “feeling” starts. As you are sitting on the toilet, trying to push the shit out, you realize that the shit you are about to shit is a monster-sized shit. Do you remember that feeling? To get it out, you have to grunt loudly and really push hard. As it starts to come out, you realize that this is really going to hurt. Not wanting to keep this monster thing inside of you, you start pushing. Grunting. Grunting so loudly that the neighbors can hear you. The pain. It is intense. More pushing. More grunting. More pain. That feeling right there - do you remember that feeling? Well, that is what it is like to watch this show. On with the recap.
The players:
Alana – 6 years old – Honey Boo Boo Child – Pageant queen super star
Lauryn – 12 years old - Pumpkin – sister
Jessica – 15 years old – Chubbs or Chubbette – sister – Alana’s BFF
Anna – 17 years old – Chickadee – sister – she is pregnant
June – 32 years old – Mama
Mike – 40 years old - Sugar Bear – Works 7 days a week (not sure I can’t blame him)
In case there is any confusion, from Mama: “Sugar Bear is my babies daddy”
Apparently, TLC is in the business to make money. Who knew? There use to be full episodes that you could watch for free on TLC’s website. Those are gone. Where did they go? To iTunes. At $2.99 an episode. I have to pay to watch this shit now? Isn’t it bad enough that it kills off brain cells? Apparently not. Greedy bastards.
The intro consists of introducing the family, explaining that they have a very big and important pageant coming up at the end of the summer, and that this is still summer and they need to find time for some fun. Then, at the end of the intro, they all gather for what appears to be a family portrait…and then Mama farts. For all of those that forced me into this recap, may Mama fart on you.
This episode starts at 11:03 am with Mama waking up all of the girls. She says that since it is summer, sometimes they sleep until 2:00 pm. The phone rings and Mama yells that “somebody booty callin’.” After rousting all of the girls out of bed, we learn that they only have one bathroom. Four girls, one Mama, one Sugar Bear, and one bathroom. So, they do what I would imagine any normal family would do: wash their hair in the kitchen sink. Not even kidding. I am talking about a full on hair washing with shampoo. Right next to the dirty dishes. Holy shit. If you are ever invited over to their house, unless you see the food come directly out the can and on to your plate, don’t eat it. You have been warned.
As she is applying 5 pounds of makeup to Alana – yes, she is just 6 years old – Mama explains that to get ready for the big pageant at the end of the summer, this Sunday Alana will be participating in an all-natural beauty pageant. Hang on, what? A natural beauty pageant? Isn’t that one were you don’t wear makeup? Then why in the hell are you caking it on Alana? Whatever.
A little background. Alana has won a couple of pageants. She has placed second or third in several. But, she has never won a grand supreme title. What is a grand supreme title? Why in the hell are you asking me? I don’t have a freaking clue.
After putting on 37 pounds of makeup, Mama and Alana work on attitude. Apparently, at kid pageants, the more attitude you have, the better. They work on the three-finger “Z” formation finger snap until Alana gets it perfect. Can’t wait to see how this plays out at the all-natural pageant.
Oh hell no. No. No. No. <Sigh> They are going to the redneck games. What really makes this outing even better is Chickadee. She is the one that is very close to popping out a child. For some non-apparent reason, she has decided that it is appropriate to wear her shirt above belly. Basically, turning it into a halter-top. I have no words. None. On top of this, they actually make fun of some of the other “rednecks” and what they are wearing. As Mama says, all that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. Anyway, on with the redneck games. The first game is bobbing for pig feet. Nope. Not kidding. Not even close to kidding. And yes, they are real pig feet. Yes, this is disgusting. Yes, I have to stop here, as I need to go throw up. Nasty. Mama thinks that Pumpkin will do “pretty good” as she is competitive. As much as I want to, I am not going to keep you in suspense. Pumpkin does not win. In fact, she doesn’t do very well at all. In her “heat,” she got 2 pig feet. The winner got 5 and the runner up got 4. There were only three competing. Still yet, she did her family proud.
To take a break before the next game, the girls wanted to cool off in the river. Mama refused to allow them to get into the river due to an outbreak of a potential flesh-eating bacteria. Yeah, but washing your hair in the kitchen sink next to the dirty dishes is perfectly okay.
The next game is mud pit belly flop. Okay, now this is a game that I can see rednecks doing. Alana has decided that she wants to participate in this game with her sister Chubbs. Mud. Belly flop. Chubbs. Really? <shakes head> Anyway, after a couple of…ummm…belly heavy?...long bearded rednecks with female rednecks that should not be wearing bikinis belly flop into the mud pit, it is Alana’s and Chubbs’ (or as Mama calls her – Chubbette) turn. Before I get to them, I am curious: Why does every bit of clothing that rednecks wear have to be some form of the Confederate flag? And can’t they ever put their beer down. Okay, forget that last question. Chubbs and Alana do their family proud with their belly flops. In fact, Chubbs’ belly flop manages to splash mud onto Mama and Sugar Bear. The family cheers with the admiration that only a redneck mud belly flopping family could. Yahoo.
On to the next segment. As the girls and Mama are sitting around eating cheese balls, oatmeal cream pies, and pork rinds, Chubbete decides that she is getting too fat and wants to start a diet. But, she wants Mama to go on a diet as well. Mama says that she is pretty happy with herself, but for support, she will join in with Chubbete on the diet. Chubbette wants to lose about 20 to 30 pounds. How is she going to lose all of this weight? By following Mama’s advise, that’s how. What is Mama’s advice? I am glad you asked. Farting. No, I am not kidding. Not one little bit. Chubbette said that Mama said that you can lose weight by farting 12 to 15 times a day. Cubbette plans on farting a lot more than 12 to 15 times a day. The Farting Diet. I can’t wait for the book.
So, if you are starting a diet, what is the first thing that you do? That’s right. Let the weigh-ins begin. Before we get to the reading of the scales, Mama has to get ready. How does she do this? By taking a shit. Take a wild guess where the scale is? That’s right, the bathroom. After enough time had passed to air out the bathroom, Alana (the six year old) steps on the scale first. She weighs-in at 69 pounds. Chubbette is next and she weighs-in at 175 pounds. Now it is Mama’s turn. No, she did not break the scale. Although, the first time she tried, the scale bottomed out and returned a weight of “E”. Mama said that the “E” stands for Extra Big. Not one to be easily discouraged, Mama tries again. This time she gets a reading: 309 pounds. As with all diets, you have to set goals. Mama’s goal is to lose 100 pounds to get back to her beautimous weight.
Okay, now it is time for what we all have been waiting for: the natural beauty pageant. For Mama and Alana, this is just a practice pageant. They are looking for feedback from the judges to help them with the big pageant at the end of the summer. To help Alana get ready for the pageant, they stop at McDonalds and get her a large chocolate shake. To show their support, the entire family is at the pageant and they are wearing their hot pink “Honey Boo Boo Child” t-shirts. After what it seems like forever, it is finally Alana’s turn. As she “struts her stuff”, they are reading her bio to the crowd. In case you did not know, Alana enjoys pageantry, mud boggin, and her family. After all of the contestants had been properly paraded around the center stage, it is time to announce the winners. Like pulling off a band-aid, let’s just make this quick. Alana did not win. Tears were shed. But, it was not a total loss, they did get the feedback from the judges that they wanted. It appears that Alana needs to work on her modeling, eye contact, strutting, hand waiving, walk, turns, and smile. Not that much really.
With the pageant over, this brings us to the end of the show. Yes, I know, very sad. But, on a happy note, we learn that Sugar Bear can actually speak. I had to listen to it five times to figure out what in the hell he was saying, but it was nice to finally hear his voice. And just what did he say? Well, let me just give you the direct quote: Ifs weus is are ables Alana tewsa practicle, shesa liables tewsa besa nexted Missersa Americas.
Well, that brings us to the end of this week’s train wreck. As an added bonus, I have included some of the best quotes from this episode below. Will there be another recap? I don’t know. I am not sure my brain or liver can handle it. Until next time, if there is a next time, keep farting and keep drinking – something eventually is bound to make sense.
Y’all smell like hair spray and desperation.
Breakfast of Champions – Cheese balls
Alana: Yes, we are redneck. Pumpkin: No we’re not, we still have all of our teeth.
The redneck games are a lot like the Olympics but with a lot of missing teeth and a lot of butt cracks showing.
All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimos. You don’t see my shit hanging out … not my three bellies.