Luxanna drifted through the hallway. Part of her was, and had been aware, of the attention she'd been attracting over the past few days - but most of her no longer cared. She was mostly numb to the others now...and numb to herself. The things she'd been learning were things she couldn't accept, and that hit her hard. Anybody could see the bags under her eyes, the slight trembling in her hands, and the frailness of her gaze.
Something was terribly wrong with her, and she could no longer hide from it. She knew that someone from Demacia would learn that she was breaking slowly, and for some strange reason, the knowledge made her more terrified than it should've. Surely Demacia would be able to fix her, but something told Luxanna that Demacia was somehow involved in her current status - which was ridiculous...Demacia would help, not harm her...right?
Luxanna, however, was not looking for the answer to that particular doubt. She was searching for someone, and her meandering path took her to a door. She raised her eyes slowly to the letters of the person's name...yep, this was Varus' room. So maybe she hadn't been so lost after all. Strangely enough, just seeing the name made her feel ever-so-slightly less lost than her jumbled self. She raised a hand to knock...and then dropped it again. Luxanna wasn't sure how long she stood, staring mutely at the door, fighting with herself - but finally fate must have made the decision for her, because it finally swung open. The girl started and looked up at Varus.
The room was far from the hubbub of the Institute, of which Luxanna was glad - not only did it give her more privacy, but it would take a while for anybody to find her (and hopefully it would be a long time before someone noticed she was gone anyway). The girl spread a mat on the floor of the old training room before sitting down. She needed to understand what was going on, and now was a good time to start. Closing her eyes, the girl fell into a rhythmic breathing...
It was too quiet in her mind...far too quiet - yet at the same time, Luxanna felt as if she was standing in the eye of a storm - which was odd, considering she'd never been caught in a hurricane.
A strange image rose up: The shaking of tent walls as rain and wind pounded from the outside, and laughter as she and her brother tried to find ways to pass the time-
An old memory, from a long-ago mission the pair had taken together -and one Luxanna easily brushed aside. Perhaps back then they could've afforded such antics and laughter. She wasn't so sure now - the Demacia-Noxus relations were rather taut at the moment. Pushing aside thoughts, the girl relaxed again.
Back to that same quiet, though this time Luxanna was more aware of the gale around this so called 'storm eye'. Or maybe, to better describe it, there were walls around her, protecting her from the maelstrom 'outside'. Luxanna found it odd that she seemed so confused around people, yet inside, in her mind, it seemed calm...Yet even as the thought occurred to her she remembered the confusion brought on by that strange creature, Kog'Maw, and then of course, the others too: Varus, Morgana, Ezreal, Lee Sin - even her brother had been questioning her!
It was odd that faces of people she barely knew (apart from Garen of course) seemed to tug at her heart. Luxanna thought she felt the walls around her mind creak a little.
Her eyes opened, and Luxanna took several deep breaths, struggling to keep a hold on herself. She didn't want those walls to break. She didn't want to shatter. She had better control than that. Trembling a little, she shut her eyes, allowing herself to fall again.
Steam rising from a cup, a man's eyes meeting her. “The secret ingredient to the tea,” he said seriously, “Is Gragas’ home brew fire mead, mixed with chi tea." A burst of laughter followed, before he said, "You should have seen your face!"
Luxanna's eyes opened again as she stared at her hands. Tea with Lee Sin, the Blind Monk? Had that been real?
Don't think about it. You came here to meditate. Do so, now.
Garen, talking over some pie which he'd gone to Noxus to get...just for her. Garen, happily messing her hair because she was too short to do anything more than swat his hand away. Garen, reading her stories at night when she coldn't sleep because there were monsters under her bed. Garen, standing at the conclusion of her League Judgement, his normally kind face stern and expressionless as he looked down at her.
Garen was her brother. Of course she held a great deal of affection for him. Luxanna frowned, wondering how long it had been that she hadn't known or appreciated just how much he had done for her. But you knew already...you just forgot...
She dived again so she wouldn't have to make sense of that statement.
The buildings and walls of Noxus, cold, harsh, unforgiving. A man, staring down at her, anger and pain and loss burning in his eyes. Her hand on his wrist, gently pushing his bow down. And words, just words...her words. "What good am I if I stand to the side and see people I highly respect and care about - people like you - take a path like this without acting? That makes me a poor person.”
Luxanna tried to open her eyes to grasp this, but too late was she swept away again...and again, the words that rang through her mind were hers...
“Just promise me something…whatever happens to me, don’t leave me behind. Promise you’ll be there, however much it might hurt. I know it’s asking a lot - to be there for me even if I’m not, however much it would break your heart - but I’ll need it, even if I don’t know it.”
This time Luxanna tore away into reality. She shuddered as she fought awake. Varus. What was it about Varus? Another dream, of chasing him into Noxus...and then a promise...but of what? Luxanna didn't know, and that scared her...because what if these weren't dreams?
No...No! They have to be dreams, and I will prove it! With that thought, Luxanna dived yet again into her own mind. I will take control of myself!
A room - no, a restaurant...and someone reaching over to gently tug her hands from her face, which was crimson with embarrassment. “Don’t hide something so beautiful from me.” The voice was quiet, the words gentle, and Ezreal smiled at her across the table-
The walls cracked a little more...
Luxanna slowly became aware that her cheeks were wet, most likely with tears. She let out a breath, then another, and suddenly she was crying. She wept - she wasn't sure why, but she did - as she struggled to understand these dreams, or memories, or thoughts. Whatever they were, she didn't think she could handle it.
Why had a month long mission for Demacia ended with her being so scattered? What was happening to her?
Luxanna curled up on the mat in a tight ball as her body continued to be wracked by sobs. There was no other way about it - she was breaking, slowly but surely. The strange thing was that it was something that a small part of her greatly desired - and that's what terrified her.
What was on the outside of those walls in her mind? And why did she feel as if they weren't supposed to be there?
Alone in the room, far from anyone who might hear her (not that anybody knew she was gone anyway), curled up in a tight ball on the mat, Luxanna Crownguard shut her eyes and wept.
