A Letter to a New Old Friend
I think my soul already knew yours when we met
You felt so familiar to me like we already knew each other
You wandered through our home like you've been there before
I can't explain the feeling
Half of me kept saying you were a stranger
While the other half would say no, I know her
Ever since then we mention you every day
I don't get tired of talking to you
I can hear you blab about anything
And when I talk to you it feels like you listen
We took the long way home because we wanted to spend more time together
We share songs that mean something to us
But also ones that just make us think of characters we like
We've been chatting every day as of late
Usually I get tired of that quickly
We see each other every other week
And I look forward to it every time
When you've been with a partner for so long
So when they say you're worthy of love and people want you around
It starts to sound like when your parents say it
"of course you think that. You love me"
So it's so easy to not believe it
"You're seeing me through rose colored glasses. Not everyone agrees with you"
The other connections in my life all felt so distant
The people I truly connected with are gone
Some I haven't spoken to in years
Soulmates that were only there for a while
But weren't meant to stay
I think my soul was looking for yours
It was looking for an old friend
We once talked about soulmates
How they don't all have to be lovers
How we can have more than one
How there's just people we're meant to meet
And I think you're one of mine
So many times I thought I was done making friends
That the adventures were over
That after a certain point, that's it - this is what you get
I would see my partner text friends daily, go on dates and catch up with so many people
While I barely had anyone to talk to
I would sometimes feel like the only thing I had was being their partner
Everyone I met was through the veil of "This is S's partner"
And all my relationships felt that way
I mourned who I was in college
I mourned talking to a friend until 2 am
I mourned going on late night adventures
I mourned a friend spilling their guts to me
I mourned feeling comfortable enough to be vulnerable
I mourned conversations that weren't just catch ups
That I ruined everything by pushing everyone away
And those that wanted to stay I could no longer connect with
And I felt so alone as well as ungrateful for having everything
And I thought that's all there was
And I kept thinking it was a fluke
We wouldn't see each other again
Despite my soul feeling otherwise
"Okay maybe we see each other again, but she'll probably just be my partner's friend I see every once in a while and catch up with"
"Oh, she's messaging me. Okay she's talking to me but it's nothing. It'll stop. She'll get bored."
"Okay she invited me to hang out, but it'll probably be like all the other times with other people. Impersonal. Distant. Performative."
"Okay she wants to watch the bad movie with me, but whatever. Probably just pities me"
"That was a lot of fun. I hadn't enjoyed myself like that in a while. I can't let myself get used to it."
"I think she'd like this song. I'll play it, but I don't know. She'll probably just ignore it."
“She's looking up the lyrics? Does she want me to play it again?"
"Is she singing the song?"
We were driving through the night
Singing songs together in the car
Songs you had never heard before
Songs you played me for the first time
We talked about anything and everything
And when it was time to drop you off for your ferry
You asked me to drive you home instead
You wanted to spend more time with me
Not because I was your friend's partner
Not because it was the only way to get home
You asked me to drive around the Puget Sound at 1 am
Just to spend another hour with me
I would've driven another 3
And yet you still make time for me
You reminded me I still had adventures in me
You reminded me I wasn't too old
You reminded me I hadn't met everyone in my life who would love me yet
You reminded me I'm worth spending time with
You reminded me I could still be vulnerable
You reminded me maybe I'm worth being a friend to
And I am so grateful we met
It doesn't feel like it's just been a couple of months
It feels like I've known you forever
So I want to call you my friend forever
"There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met" right?
Because I know our souls already knew each when we met
We've been friends in every life we've lived
And I'm so grateful we've finally met again in this one
So I promise, I promise, I promise
I'll be there for you until you let me go
And I think I already miss you in the next life
So my soul will be looking for yours again and again
Because it refuses to go through any of its lives without you
Thank you for being my friend.