In downtown Valpo, there's a cafe called Blackbird. Before that it was Annijalise's, another cafe, and before that another. Annijalise was important to me because my mom would take me there to get bagels and hot chocolate before school. It was the only time we really got along, to get coffee and treats. But after I came back from Wisconsin, it was now Blackbird. So it's been 5 plus years that it changed, but I started going regularly as a junior. I would bike or walk there from my house to meet up with friends. I eventually started to take a bus down there to study with a friend I haven't seen since freshman year after we had a falling out. So as I grew along through high school, I would celebrate with Blackbird coffee. One of their my favorite blends is Highlander Grogg, which from what I remember has scotch and whiskey something or another mixed with the house blend, but it's delicious. Add some skim milk (or 1/2 and 1/2), sugar, and cocoa powder and you're in freaking heaven.
So I've been going there for about two years as a regular, just grabbing either the Grogg or Chai or some tea. My best friend Melissa, who I've known for 5 years usually comes with me. It's our hangout when we want to talk and don't want to go to Steak and Shake for their jank but free coffee. We would sit at a table, talk to each other, go outside and smoke cigarettes and say hello to everyone we knew. Blackbird just became part of growing up for me. As a junior, I lost myself and was trying to find myself in a world where I didn't know how to navigate. As a senior, I saw familiar faces, old friends who I lost contact with, or new friends who would talk to me. Blackbird has a bulletin board, that inspired me to start writing one of my stories. Blackbird just became important to me.
Once during senior year, Melissa and I went there and we saw our friend Zoe. Zoe started homeschool and we never saw much of her. We caught up, and Zoe asked if me and Melissa were dating yet. Everyone always thought me and Melissa would date, literally everyone thought that. We knew each other for so long, and at times we were inseparable. We never dated. Not because of the thought of ruining the friendship, but just bad timing and bad decisions. Either one of us was dating someone, or just got through something. So it was always bad timing.
It's routine for me and her to just talk about what happened since we met. Everyone we dated, everyone we hated, everyone we thought about and wondered what happened to them, or how so and so did this or that. We talk about our scarred arms, and our broken hearts, but all the times we found something good in our lives. We raised our coffees to the lives we have lost, to the things we found, to the mysteries we still question, and to the future where we hope for a brighter day. Because while she is fighting through depression, I'm fighting to still find myself. But in Blackbird, we don't have to worry, we just drink coffee and laugh and talk about the things we've done.
Tonight, I drove her home as usual but we didn't leave right away. I asked if she wanted to go home because she was tired, but she said no. She shocked me and said "I feel comfortable, I feel safe being in your car."
After all the times my anxiety took over and made me close to crashing, she feels comfortable. Not dating Melissa isn't a regret, because for 5 years, she helped me get off drugs, held me when I cried because I couldn't stop, and gave me the time of day to get coffee and chat. And for how long it takes, I'll return the favor whenever she has a bad day. Because a good cup of Highlander Grogg can make a shitty, stormy night, into 3 hours of talking about we changed from 8th graders, into college kids.