Mar 21
re: the conversation I had with my mom the other evening about if I ever wanted to find a partner or anything: Somebody to Love by Queen came up on my playlist today, killing me instantly. I've been minorly obsessed with this song recently but did it occur to me there might've been any reason other than that I've been enjoying the challenge of attempting to sing it? no. Today however,
#💀#the gist of the conversation was I have Issues™️ & I would love to try to find somebody but due to The Issues™️ & a lack of motivation#I have not been doing that#it kind of did make me realize just how much longing I feel that I've been trying my hardest to ignore#falls to my knees. somebodyyyyyyyyyyyyyy anybody#but the Issues™️. I have like. negative self-esteem apparently & that makes it very difficult to even want to look for someone#because I can't imagine someone wanting me. I wouldn't be able to believe them no matter what evidence might be there#like I know. I Know this is wildly out of touch with reality but oh my god the feeling is also part of my reality unfortunately#like! sorry! I learned from a young age that I wasn't quite lovable as I was! sometimes I was; when on my absolute best behavior#but my best was rarely good enough to be considered my best by anyone else#anyone who might claim to love me just as I am... I'd be stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop. which is wildly unfair to them#fuck! I feel sort of guilty even talking about this because like. my parents didn't Mean To do that to me. but they did do that to me#regardless of intentions... like whatever they might imagine they were doing. love & affection & even just.. not being mad at me.. were#highly conditional#the very idea of unconditional love of any kind still seems so foreign to me#would you still love me if I was a worm? I already know the answer is no. I wasn't even a worm I was just autistic/adhd. still human. & yet-#I can't really go into this in any kind of way with my mom because she feels So Bad about it all from the limited amount she does know#I probably said more than was wise the other evening but I didn't have any way to talk about what we were talking about without mentioning#some things#😑😑😑😑😑😑😑#I don't know. it's just.. hhhghhgh