#hillary is ranting

[hillyourementalanyway-heyy]

Am I actually a catgirl...?

Like I know by a fact that im not a kemonomimi, tho I definitely wanted ears and tail (really badly) a couple of years back then and enjoyed having them for cosplay, or at least I don't identify as one - I just really love and want cats tho I don't normally get to be around any irl, and like my ultimate goals in life is to either become successful, OR to literally be a house cat (physically and spiritually) so I can be a loser and lie around and do nothing except for being cute... It's one way or another (yeah I really need to be successful and rich I guess </3)

Plus I think I've always been (occasionally) acting like a cat, or have cat-like behaviours since I was what, 10?? when I caught it from one of my classmates acting like a cat (it was kinda trendy for some reason?? I can't remember lmaoo) and I thought "oh shit this is fun", and started doing it too; it sort of just stuck with me ever since - at least the meowing part, that's the most permanent I guess, that I still and mainly do till this day...

Meowing is a way for me to de-stress, and I would genuinely meow aloud when im at home - I am NOT kidding when I say I meow. (tho I also sometimes do crow caws for that purpose, it's only occasional and it's more on the funny side of things, whereas meowing is the most natural way for me to just yk, let it out? and just simply be, if that makes sense...)

I've also sort of mastered? how to meow realistically/like a real cat - like I don't have a best meows but they're not bad :3

OH YEAH, AND ANOTHER THING: I really really really fucking love " :3 ", LIKE IT'S LITERALLY ME, ISTG?? It's one of the most hillarycore things ever, ykwim.

but also like yeah, meowing super loud irl are the moments where I question my mental wellbeing and revaluate the possibilities of me genuinely being actually autistic... *sigh*

[hillyourementalanyway-heyy]

I love dave, but I can feel my hyperfixation fading - not necessarily away but it's definitely grown less intense/more mellow compared to how it was 10 months ago, tho not (fading) much...

I sometimes feel oddly, somewhat guilty about it, perhaps for my "role" and "responsibilities" within the community - especially one that I've built... But I don't plan on leaving the page or the fandom any time soon - hopefully I'll stay around for another two years and I don't wish otherwise, honestly...

But it might have just been the fact that im taking a break from writing and everything, like how it was in August '25 cuz I got busy with life - Maybe it'll be back in no time once I've picked up the pen (keyboard, in my case lmaoo) again, I hope so :]

And here - what I'm about to say next is something I've been wanting to get off of my chest, sort of...

My hyperfixation fading before I complete or achieve a certain milestone with my projects isn't the thing that worries me the most; what is, is - what if dave kicks the bucket before it does? To me, THAT'S what's most terrifying about it really...

It's gonna happen one day, and of course I'll be crying my eyes out and wear only black for a good 3 months; how am I supposed to go on if im still doing the things I do now...?

How am I supposed to continue as a writer, should I even write for him at all? not the mention if it's smut, because I don't think I would necessarily be able to bring myself to do that, no...

Would I be able to make risqué and freaky memes without having people jumping on me and say that im disrespectful? - Even if I decided to go on and stay in the fandom, none of these would be accepted without a year or two for people to mourn and recover; most importantly, people will not see these media the same way they do now, it's gonna change everything - from their perspectives to their overall feelings towards them...

Not to sound very "coldblooded" or "mercenary", but dave is my career, my career depends solely on him (at least for now) - that's the reality and is a fact; I might move on to other fandom(s) by then but I honestly don't see myself doing that, I'm too comfortable here, with all these people I love and am thankful for...

I've always wanted to discuss this with someone, particularly writers:

What would they do after when dave is gone...? Should we continue as tributes and a way to remember him, and to keep the fandom alive? or should we be "respectful" and move on; leaving with our sadness behind? I don't think so.

[hillyourementalanyway-heyy]

my mind is really noisy rn, AGAIN -

there's me worrying about whether we should really quit guitar lessons, there's me worrying if so how should I break it to my teacher, there's me thinking if I should drink more water, there's me thinking the broccoli we just ate was way too salty, there's me thinking about maybe we should get up and have a small bowl of that bird's nest soup sitting in the fridge that must be so cold and nice and refreshing, there's me saying it's too cold to get out of our covers and my ocd little hands don't wanna touch anything, there's me wording out this post, and there's megadeth (tipping point) playing in midst all that -

help </3

[hillyourementalanyway-heyy]

I absolutely fucking hate it when I tell someone "我有潔癖 (I have germaphobia)" (I don't actually have that, I have ocd and contamination fear - we don't have a very specific word to distinguish them in daily Chinese so usually we put everything related to obsession with cleanness under the term "潔癖", which would directly translate to "germaphobia" in English) and they respond with "me too!! :D", then proceed to ask if I'm a virgo...

*boiling*

The amount of times I've dealt with this... *steam coming out from the top of my head *

Like listen - 99% of the time they're not and they're just fucking uneducated ignorant little bastards, but I never jump straight to the conclusion because what if they are? and they do actually have germaphobia/ocd?

So I never judge too hard the moment they tell me, only to see how every single one of them doesn't even have a "decent" (to my standards) sense of hygiene 😀...

They don't even have a relatively high standard for cleanness, yet they have the audacity to say "me too" whenever I make the revelation as if that means nothing...

Like whoa, so very germaphobic of you to put your bags on the visibly dirty floor good sir 😀

[hillyourementalanyway-heyy]

Before I was born, when my soul/spirit was reading the script, I must have been like:

“A pretentious, geeked, and possibly neurodivergent Chinese girl who grew up with and went through enough trauma that not only gave her social anxiety, (C-)PTSD and OCD - quite likely BPD and NPD, plus some sort of dissociative and antisocial/behavioural & conduct problem as well - but also caused her to loathe her own city, nationality, culture, and made her spiritually stateless while trying & wanting to identify with American culture and visit (or maybe even live) there due to a grievous lack of sense of belonging (despite knowing that her city is perhaps one of the best-living places in the world, and proceed to stand strongly opposed against its capitalist system & structure, and dream to pursue her artistic & unconventional career, before realising that she really does need a job in order to obtain enough money and freedom to do what she wants); not only that, she desperately wants to be able to travel back in time and experience all different periods of history and know the living of another life & time + wish that she could talk to animals and even be an animal herself - preferably either a wolf or a cat - or to obtain the ability to shapeshift in general (from existing animals to fantasy creatures like a mermaid or whatever) and have other really cool superpowers so the escapism is clear here, and I think realising & knowing that she never will be do any of these/none of these is possible will cause her a certain level of grief and distress. She is also a helpless romantic who has unrealistic hopes & standards for romance, and a tremendous amount of self-hatred + will become suicidal at one point, while battling her anxiety, depression, insecurities, burnout, addictions & her own very mad, busy mind, and realising she's actually a dumb, skilless, loveless, brainless, futureless, self-indulging sludge that is never truly good at/has mastered anything, and that there is no future for her in this world as she is trap by her own mind and boundaries & limitations of her own ability & intelligence, plus so many more problems that I could not have possibly read aloud without losing my voice.

SPLENDID!! I'm absolutely fucking doing it!!”

[hillyourementalanyway-heyy]

I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN CATS PICS AND VIDS ARE AI, ESPECIALLY SO WHEN NO ONE ELSE WAS ABLE TO TELL BECAUSE THEY ARE SO GOOD NOWADAYS.

[hillyourementalanyway-heyy]

The perfect/ideal martial relationship for me is one where I have become a successful writer - screenwriter, best to be, and found a film director as husband who is a helpless romantic like me, with matching values and tastes, and has a decent sense of fashion...

Tall, white, american - a few years older than me; even better if he has dark curly hair... any colour as long as he's not blonde and british...

And though he can write, and would write for our films, he's the one who would understand my vision and have the ability to bring it to life, whereas im the primary writer/co-director - he is someone extraordinary and talented, more brilliant than I am, and he is someone I admire and love deeply.

Not to make it all about me, but he would understand me, my struggles, but most importantly my artistry and creativity, as much as I would understand his.

We would live in a big, nicely decorated house in California - best if we're talking about LA... Beverly hills maybe? a house that is big enough for my hoarding and somewhat extensive spending, but we have the money for the latter.

We would cook, talk about our visions and ideas for hours, pouring our hearts out into the same project we work on together and are both passionate about, a project that we love, just like the another projects we've worked on before...

We would write together, plan together, maybe even play out the scenes together, both in a fun and professional way...

It would be awesome if he also has a typewriter, that he's also obsessed with the past, also wish he was born in a different era, wish that he can travel back in time to simple be a witness, wish that he could live to see the greats of human history being invented and discovered...

He's soft, and understanding... he's humorous, and is someone I would feel utterly free and safe around...

He's someone who loves me enough to learn chinese for me, as a way to understand me better, and he'll be able to allow me a break if im tired of speaking english at times... But please, never propose to me in chinese - I would rather jump off a bridge than to have that.

We would have romantic and freaky sex together, and we'll have a lot of them... even better when if I can hot seat him while I type on my typewriter as our hips roll...

We would never have children, not a single one of them, because I would have IUD done by the time we got married... We could have pets tho; dogs, cats... whatever we like...

We would live our dreams, our care free life, and be the golden couple in the Hollywood film industry - the perfect partner for eachother and in everything we do, the couple that make up for each other's short comings, the couple that make each other perfect, the couple that makes the most out of ourselves...

And if he dies before I do, I might never work on another movie ever again, because I don't believe that anyone else in this world can understand me the way he did, and I surly will be lost without him...

He would be my soulmate, he would be my true love, the one who can bring me true and pure happiness -

Too bad he's only a concept in my head right now, as I yearn for someone like that irl, my goal...

[hillyourementalanyway-heyy]

I think im starting to get a grasp of how to post nsfw without being flagged... @repetitive-fucking-behaviour

Basically if it's something that is allowed in a movie, it's allowed under the current tumblr censorship -

Nudity is fine but absolutely no genitals; you could get away with cropping it out extremely close to the edge, but not with, say a hand over pussy even when it's blocked and you actually can't see it at all (yes I definitely tried lmaoo)

Tits are totally fine, ass depends; no problem if clothed, otherwise will have to be careful because if it has some movements going on around the hip, they're probably gonna catch you - It just can't be obvious that they're fucking/that there's sex going on, it has to be more obscured, if ykwim...

Because of if the fucking is obvious, or like full-body nudity, they're gonna detect it even when it's just side profiles (kinda like a hot seat), tits, and subtly rolling hips *sigh*

So now I gotta be real selective with my contents and even have to test them on burner blogs before posting them for real, and have to find somewhere to post the real explicit ones (sad fact: padlet has censorship too, I didn't realise it's an education platform qwq)

I eventually found linoit.com tho and made it work :3

Now I can FINALLY post them somewhere safe that won't get me into trouble, HURRAY!!! :33

Here's the said lino board - it's extremely nsfw of course so open it prudently unless you want to experience social death lmaooo

I will continue to update it, especially since I've just been on an unplanned hunt for more gifs and it was a good haul hehehe *pervy :3*