more hillary kitchen trans thoughts.
she's out at work. she's just not allowed to publicly come out because it would fuck up the network's idea of her character--as i talked about before, her own self-awareness and presence of mind seems to go against the clueless, naïve host who doesn't know how to run a show, but i think she's also being discouraged from coming out by her employers/the network, who tell her that the fact that she desires to live as a woman is proof of her own inability to make her own decisions about the show. if she can't even decide on a gender how can she decide what's best for the channel? of course it's okay for her to be a woman around the studio and thank you for telling them! thank you for Being Yourself! but trans women have it rough out there, you don't want more people to harass you or call in to the network or threaten your job. of course, hillary kitchen is not stupid. she is not necessarily taken in by these extremely thinly veiled threats or the repeated infantilization. but it wears on you after a while. hillary is treated decently when she's on set, even if it always kind of sucks because the director asks for way too many takes of her dropping food in the trash and the guests are told to act like she is a cis man. the crew are nice. the benefits are pretty good. and it's a guaranteed slot on slightly-less-than-prime-time television, cooking for thousands of viewers and sharing her recipes with the world. unfortunately, the network does hold some intense power over her future. even if she came out, left the show, looked for a new gig, finding new work would be almost impossible now that she was already in the spotlight. so she stays, and she wants to stay. not just because the awful things would get worse if she left, but because some things aren't awful at all about it.
i think it's an interesting combination of things going on and i think it makes her own mental state even more complex--not only is she constantly being told that she's too self-reflective and composed for the viewers to handle, but she's also always reminded that she is exactly as unaware and innocent as the show presents her. combined with the stress of being tied to a high-pressure, public-facing position, i don't blame her for leaning into that character. maybe there's some age regression type of stuff going on too? haven't looked into this much yet but there's certainly something there. anyways. intersectional feminism is so interesting isn't it.
i also think she is on HRT. she has been heavily discouraged from getting FFS (plus, the recovery time is longer than she can afford to miss work), but she's probably taking estrogen. viewers have probably noticed. she is presenting as a woman, and can't be stopped from doing so, despite the fact that her employers enforce constant misgendering on the show and the channel will refuse to respond to viewer questions about hillary's transition. it should be clear to everyone, and in a way it's easier, just transitioning without ever coming out. sometimes hillary is happy with this, the ability to at least look like she wants even if nobody can know the details. and sometimes it's the most agonizing thing in the world. i am certainly not projecting here. by the way. but regardless, the fact that she is a feminine-presenting person who is allegedly a man will lead to discrimination and mistreatment and bigotry throughout her life. there's no winning, because she's seen as a failure of her gender no matter how people perceive her. it leads to tension in her workplace, on set, with guests. with her family, friends, audience. there are a few people she trusts, a few people with whom she can find some peace!! and she has been able to build up a small community of support! but for now, most of the time, she's stuck in this liminal space, unable to confirm or deny her own identity.
ok i didn't promise that this would be fun or cute trans headcanons that's all i got for now. yay hillary kitchen.
