if you're looking for prompts maybe 47 (“When I picture myself happy… It’s with you.”) with Ian/Ben? from kyle-welcher-bosman
47. “When I picture myself happy… it’s with you.” AN: Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that this took me like four months to do. It probably wasn’t worth that much of a wait, but hey, this broke my writers block that I’ve had since September, so it’s not all bad.prompt meme + AO3 mirror
They sit, side by side on the sand which is still warm from the heat of the day. To their right, the sun is sinking towards the horizon, painting the sky above them in a brilliant display of purple and soft pink. The Ferris wheel lights up in the distance, but they don’t really notice. Both pairs of eyes look out to the ocean, where golden light bounces brilliantly, but the colour fades to a deep blue ink as it reaches them. The sound of waves and distant voices fills the silence between them, but it’s hardly uncomfortable. Ian wiggles her toes in the sand and sighs gently, appreciating the scenery, the moment. She’s waiting for Ben to speak.
Today had been all scheduled out nicely. They were meant to be hanging out, filming some things for Easy Update, because Ben hadn’t been on in a while and Ian was happy for the excuse to spend time with him, outside of group filming sessions. Not that they avoid one another, they’re just busy people who need to be reminded to make time for their friends. At least, that was Ian’s situation. Ben may have also started avoiding Ian a little bit lately, but Ian didn’t know that. She assumed they were in the same boat.Ben wishes that were true, wishes he was just busy and forgetful. He had managed to convince himself that’s all it was, until he woke to a text from Ian confirming the time they were going to meet, and Ben felt this sinking feeling in his chest that he wouldn’t name dread, but it wasn’t far from it. Apparently the almost-dread manifested itself onto Ben’s face, stayed there as he ate breakfast and showered and dressed, remained when Ian arrived to pick him up. Because when Ben had opened the door to his apartment, he watched Ian’s own face fall and when she asked, “Honey, what’s wrong?” they both knew there would be no new episode filmed today.
He’d looked terrible, and Ian meant that in the nicest possible way. She was pretty well versed in feeling sad and empty, and so she knew when to spot that look in other people. Ben didn’t even do a good job of hiding it. Due to Ian’s experience, she also knows that the worst solution to feeling sad and empty is to hide away and isolate yourself, despite what your brain may insist. So, she took Ben out. Sure, they weren’t going to film anything when he was so clearly upset, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t spend some time together.Only now, after a day together, they’ve gotten nowhere. Sure, they’ve silently admired art exhibitions together, have smiled as they sat and ate their Denny’s sandwiches, but there’s a problem, and they both know it. Ian suggested heading to the beach, because when they got back into her car she wasn’t willingly to say goodbye yet, couldn’t let Ben go. And Ben, who remembers that Ian doesn’t even really like the beach, knows that she’s onto him. He agreed, because he doesn’t have the heart to say no to her.They still haven’t spoken all that much, and Ian would be lying if she said she wasn’t worried. She doesn’t want to force Ben to open up, but he’s been so quiet, and it’s so unlike him and she just wants her friend to be okay.“It’s so pretty,” Ben says finally, voice soft, as though the setting sun may hear him and shy away, taking the beauty with it.
“It is,” Ian agrees, smiles gently and turns to look at Ben. This side of his face is dark, silhouetted, but Ian thinks he looks lovely in the dimming light. Ben can feel her eyes on him, but he keeps looking forwards.“Thank you,” he murmurs. That wasn’t what Ian expected to hear from him, and her smile gives way to a confused frown.“For what?” She asks.“Just today,” Ben shrugs. “For taking me to that museum, for bringing me here. It’s been really nice. I appreciate it.”“Ben, you don’t have to thank me for spending time with you,” Ian says with a soft laugh. “I’m your friend, I like doing this stuff with you. It’s not exactly a chore.”“Not even when I’m acting like the worst friend ever?” Ben retorts, his tone self-deprecating and all too familiar. Ian smiles sadly, reaches out to lightly rest her fingers on Ben’s shoulder.“You’re not the worst friend ever,” she replies. “You’ve got stuff going on and things might be bothering you, yeah, but that doesn’t make you a bad friend. It just makes you a person who’s dealing with some stuff, and that’s okay.”“It really doesn’t feel okay,” sighs Ben. His head lowers, he looks at the sand beneath him so it’s harder for Ian to catch his eye. Her response is to shuffle closer, hold his shoulder a little tighter. Ben knows the gesture is meant to comfort him, but it makes his chest feel heavy with guilt.“So you’re not okay,” Ian repeats, so casual, like Ben hasn’t been torn up about this whole shit show for months now. She means well, he knows she does, but having Ian try to help him through this is just too full of bitter irony and he doesn’t know how much of it he can take. “That’s what friends are for though, right? Helping when things aren’t okay?”“Look, Ian, I— thank you, really, but I don’t think you can help me.”“I can listen,” she insists. “Please, Ben, I know the instinct is bottle it all up, but whatever’s going on, that won’t help. Trust me.”Ben finally looks up, meets Ian’s gaze. The setting sun is shining on her face, bathing her in peachy tones. The pastel light is warm and soft, like it’s mocking Ben by juxtaposing his terrible mood. Although, he must admit, Ian looks good in the fading winter sun. The light shines through her hair, glints on her eyes which look wet and full. Her expression is desperate, pleading, and it hurts him to know she’s like this because of him. Ian’s worried because of him. It’s like she’s on the verge of crying, and Ben still thinks she looks beautiful.He pushes away the instinct to cradle Ian’s face, to reassure her that he’s okay. If this were the movie playing out in Ben’s head he would do just that. He’d smile, thumb on her cheek and he’d lean in close. They’d kiss on the beach as the sun gives up on them, and it wouldn’t matter that the world goes dark because they’d close their eyes anyway. They’d stay close and smile against each other’s lips and everything would be okay.But this isn’t a movie. This is real life, and Ben knows he doesn’t get the happy ending. He sighs again, shakes his head and looks off into the distance once more. The wind rushes past them, carrying salt air and gleeful cries. He watches the people down the beach jump into the crashing waves, careless and happy. Ben wishes he could be like them, enjoy this moment. Ian echoes his sigh.“Ben, please. You don’t have to explain, just tell me how you’re feeling?”“Confused,” Ben answers without thinking. He knows he owes her at least part of an explanation. “Guilty. Not sad exactly, just… heavy.” The guilty part has thrown Ian for a bit of a loop.“What do you have to feel guilty about?” She questions. Ben answers with a hollow laugh which only makes Ian’s concern for him grow.“I don’t know. Feelings?”“Oh, honey,” Ian sighs, realisation falling on her. It’s like she’s been stuck on a crossword puzzle, staring at the clues, and now that she’s got the answer it’s so obvious she wonders how it took her so long to fill in the blank. Ben’s not depressed, he’s full of longing. Luckily, Ian’s still pretty experienced in this department. She wraps her arm around Ben’s neck, holds his other shoulder and pulls him a little closer. “Don’t beat yourself up about that.”“No, Ian, you don’t get it,” Ben huffs.“Ben, honestly, I think I do,” Ian protests gently. “I’m more than used to falling for people I know I shouldn’t fall for. You think I’d make all those jokes about being lonely if my crushes worked out for me? I get it, Ben. Maybe not the specifics, but I know that feeling, and I know how resigned it makes you.”Ben rubs at his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to keep his composure. She doesn’t understand, and Ben’s so tempted to blurt it out, to make her see that this is different, but he can’t. He can’t risk making things weird between them, not when they work together, not when Ben feels like he needs to be close to her, even if it pains him. He can’t tell her and ruin it all.“What do you do?” He asks finally, after a fairly prolonged silence. Ian’s hand is still on his shoulder, and he feels her start a little at the sound of his voice.“Huh?” She blinks at him.“To deal with this,” Ben clarifies. “You said you’re used to it, so how do I move on, what do I do?”“I usually just talk to them. I know that sounds like the least appealing thing in the world,” she says quickly, before Ben can object. “But it helps, just getting it off your chest, honestly. And it’s normally not the end of the world. I’ve stayed friends with people after telling them I had a crush on them. ”“And that makes it go away?” Ben asks, frowning. He’s not convinced.“Oh, hell no,” Ian says definitively. “There’s no quick and easy way to just make those kinds of feelings go away. But it helps, talking about them. And learning to move on.”“I’ve tried moving on. I don’t know what I can do to just stop thinking like this.”“Well, what I always do is just imagine something better,” Ian suggests with a smile. Ben looks at her, confused.“What does that mean?”“Like, imagine something really good that you can work towards. Picture yourself happy.”“Yeah, I don’t think that will work,” Ben sighs, dejected again.“Well why not?” She demands.“Because, Ian,” Ben snaps, and she startles a little at the frustration that shows in his voice. He lets out a breath, annoyed at himself. He’s dug himself into a hole now and he’s pretty sure that explanation is his only escape. He looks down, nervous. Ben’s voice is much softer when he speaks again. “Because. When I picture myself happy… it’s with you.”It’s almost like a weight has been lifted off Ben’s shoulders, but now the words hang heavy in the air between them instead. They’re both quiet only for a moment, Ben looking at the hollow of Ian’s throat where it shows above the collar over her T-shirt so he doesn’t have to look at her eyes. He doesn’t see her smile, but he feels her squeeze his shoulder again.“Well that’s good! We can work with that. I’m with you right now, Ben.”“No, Ian, you don’t understand,” he goes on. Ben sits up a little straighter, forces himself to look at her. “I can’t imagine being happy if I’m not with you. And I know, that probably sounds extreme, or unreasonable, but it’s how I feel.” Ben’s started now; he’s opened a floodgate and he can’t stop himself from just letting his feelings rush out. Speaking quickly and not giving Ian a chance to get a word in so he doesn’t give himself time to stop and think about what he’s saying. “I feel like I just want to spend every day going to museums and galleries, or playing games or just reading on the couch with you and maybe it’s me being melodramatic, but I can’t imagine doing that with anyone else and being anywhere near as happy as I am with you.”Ben stops talking when he’s out of breath and he’s terrified suddenly. All those thoughts and feelings that he’s been holding on to are suddenly out here in the open and Ian knows. He looks at her, waiting for some kind of reaction. She looks taken aback, but not angry or disgusted, so Ben thinks whatever happens, it could have been worse.Ian takes a little while, just processing what Ben has said. She thinks how horrible today must have been for him if he felt like this, how much it must have stung him to have her pull him by the hand to look at exhibits and know that it’s not in the way he wants it to be, that the meaning isn’t there. Ian’s been down that road before. She thinks about Ben being sad, how much she wanted to make him happy. She thinks about how he wants to keep making Ben happy.Suddenly, Ian finds herself thinking about a lot of things that she had never considered before. She thinks about regularly going on dates like this with Ben. She thinks about warm days with the windows open, lying in comfortable silence with a book in her lap and her head on Ben’s shoulder. She thinks she would like that. A small smile crosses her face and Ben, who’s staring at her, waiting still, relaxes when he sees the upturn of Ian’s lips.“That could be okay,” Ian says finally, grinning at him. Ben tilts his head, not sure if he heard that right, not sure if he’s dreaming.“It could?”“Yeah, sure,” shrugs Ian. “I mean, if you want it to?”“I’m sorry, want what to be what?” Ben questions. He needs to be clear on what they’re talking about before he really gets his hopes up.“If you want that to be your good thing to work towards,” Ian explains. Her smile is small, but hopeful. “You said you wanted more museum dates and lazy days together. So, we can work towards that. If you want to.”“Ian, I don’t— are you… Are we on the same page? Because, I just admitted that I have like, the biggest crush on you, and I’m not sure how well that came across.”“Yeah, no, I got that.” Ian nods her head and grins. “We’re on the same page.”“So… You want to do all that stuff? With me?” Ben queries, still in a state of disbelief. Ian laughs at him fondly and nods again.“Yeah. This was fun, I like you, I like spending time with you. Why not give it a try right?”“Oh my god,” laughs Ben, bringing a hand up to cover his face. “You are amazing, I can’t believe I’ve been so scared of this for so long!” Ian beams at the compliment, but holds Ben’s shoulder tightly at the second half of his sentence.“Ben, please don’t ever be scared of me,” she pleads softly. “Ever. You’re my friend, and I want you to feel like you can talk to me.”“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” sighs Ben. He leans back, pulls his legs closer to him to get comfortable. “I was just nervous and worried that you’d think I was weird, or that things would be awkward, so I didn’t want to say anything.”“I get that. But for real, unless you wanna confess that you have like, a murder dungeon or something, I’ll probably be fine with anything you wanna tell me. Just for future reference.”“I don’t have a murder dungeon, so I think we’ll be fine,” Ben chuckles. Ian laughs along with him, and she feels like, for the first time today, things are normal between them. Like they’re okay.The laughter dies down and they fall into another silence, but this one is comfortable. The wind around them has grown colder, though it’s still not cold by any means, because this is LA, after all. The people Ben was watching earlier have gone, but there are still voices around, the sounds of the sea and distant laughter.Ian shuffles that little bit closer, reaches down to take Ben’s hand as she looks out to where the sun is finally falling out of their view. He lets her, tangles their fingers together and smiles to himself. They sit in the twilight, breathing slowly, holding hands and watching the waves.“I feel like I need to thank you again,” Ben says softly, smiling but only half joking. Ian grins, rests her head onto Ben’s shoulder.“Nah,” she sighs. “You don’t need to. But,” she says, lifts her head again. “If you wanted to…”“What?” Ben asks, turns to look at her. His face is so serious, and she giggles, frees her hand from Ben’s so she can lightly brush her fingers through his hair.“Well, stop worrying, first of all,” she teases. “But, I was going to say, if you wanna make this a real date, you could thank me by kissing me.”“I could?” Ben stutters, surprised by the suggestion. He hadn’t seen that coming. Ian’s smile falters a little at his response, not sure if she’s rushed this. She just feels so close and comfortable with Ben already that it hadn’t felt like a big leap for her.“I mean, only if you want to,” Ian assures him, backpedalling. “You don’t have to if you’re not ready, or—”“Ian, no, it’s okay!” Interrupts Ben. He gives her a nervous smile. “I want to. I really, really want to.” Ian breathes a small sigh of relief at that.“Okay, good. Because I didn’t want you to think—”“Ian,” Ben cuts in again, softer this time. “Remember what you just told me about worrying?”“Touché,” she nods, sweeps her hair back. Ben smiles at her, his focus flickering between her eyes and her lips.“Can I kiss you now?” He asks, gentle voice doing a good job of hiding his excitement. Ian’s responding smile betrays all of hers.“I’d like that,” she breathes. It’s all Ben needs. He leans in slowly, gently presses his lips against Ian’s in a kiss that’s soft and chaste but still breath-taking. Ian’s a little bolder, leans into him, holds the back of Ben’s neck and kisses just a little deeper, a little harder. She hears Ben let out a soft, contented sigh and feels him respond, letting her lead.They pull away too soon and blink open their eyes, find themselves beaming at one another. It’s not much, really, but just that one kiss is making Ben’s heart do flips and he can’t believe that he’s sat here and Ian just kissed him.“Is this a real date now?” Ben asks, teasing, but also genuinely curious. He’s not nervous now though; there’s a mischievous look about him, and Ian thinks he looks himself. She rolls her eyes affectionately.“If I say yes, will you kiss me again?” She shoots back.“That sounds like a good deal.”“Then yes, this is a real date,” Ian declares. Ben grins and leans in to kiss Ian again, more sure of himself this time. The movie in Ben’s head almost feels real now, but he thinks it’s even better than he imagined. He feels Ian smile and he faintly tastes the salt air on her lips. The wind is still warm, blows Ian’s hair into their faces and they pull away laughing when they feel the strands in their mouths. Ben can’t make out the details of Ian’s features in the dim light, but he knows she still looks beautiful. He tells her as much and her face lights up. Ben feels like he got his happy ending after all. Except that really, this is better than a happy ending, because it’s just the beginning.
