I Could Even Learn How to Love Me
author’s note: it’s ya boi back on their bs. anyways this idea was based off a post i saw like a week ago but i’ve looked everywhere and just cannot find it. that’s tumblr for you i guess.
anyways, i don’t think there are a ton of warnings for this fic (unlike the last one, ho boy), but just in case, this has what’s certainly not a clean cut happy ending, but it’s more bittersweet and hopeful, so certainly not a sad ending either. also some hints to ptsd because steven. if i missed anything, please tell me! please.
also if i had a typo fucking drag me across the floor until i fix it. you are given full permission.
“Life is… well, life is really different these days.”
He got in his car, the keys jingling softly from his fingertips. Today, he drove alone.
“I’ve been trying to get used to everyone changing, but it still feels kind of wrong. It’s not nearly as bad as it was when the Off-Colors graduated from Little Homeschool, though, so that’s nice.”
There have actually been a few more graduations since then; he went to all of them. The second one involved Little Larimar, Snowflake, and a Nephrite, which Centi (after all these years, he had never really wanted to start calling her Nephrite. And after all these years, she had never corrected him.) seemed especially excited about, giving the recent graduate a big hug. The last one was newer, only happened about a week ago. Seeing the Heaven Beetles, Cherry, and Freckles (the Lapis he and, well, Lapis had convinced to join Little Homeschool) go had been especially sad, but it was made a softer blow by Freckles joining Garnet and combining a dance and yoga class. Cherry even bought herself a phone and got Pearl’s number!
“Oh! Speaking of the Off-Colors, Lars and his crew have been in space for a while, but I called them a couple days ago and he said he’d promise to visit Earth soon, so I’m excited about that!”
It’s not like Steven had only visited Lars once in the few months he’d been in space; he hadn’t! But the Off-Colors had been almost finished exploring the moon base that Stevonnie had been trapped on, so they agreed to go back to Earth for a few months. Lars seemed pretty excited to see his parents again, and considering the… strained relationship the family once had in the past, Steven was happy for him.
And even though the two had gone their separate ways, Steven knew that Lars wanted to see Sadie again.
“Sadie and Shep have made a few more songs and have been pretty successful, and I’m happy for them! I’ve so far gotten their songs for a really low price; I guess there’s a friends and family discount?”
The last time he had seen Sadie had been nearly a month ago, and she looked… really happy. Despite being nearly four years younger than her, he felt proud of her. Shep was chill as ever, giving him a pat on the back when they saw him, and letting him play their instruments. Their new songs are certainly different from Sadie’s past rock style, but they’re still a great listen.
The duo’s official “band name” (can it be called a full band with only two people?) is “The Daffodils”. He feels it fits.
“Connie’s checked out a few college campuses! She seems really excited to get enrolled somewhere, and I’m excited for her!
I’m really going to miss her, though… but she promised she’d visit me every weekend, and we’re going to video chat a lot while she’s there! Plus, I’ve still got another year at least until I have to let go of… of this, I guess, so I should be able to pull myself together by then.”
She had toured a couple colleges before asking him if he wanted to come to one: Empire City University. He had been to Empire City a few times, sure, and had seen pictures, but no part of him was prepared for the sheer size of this college. Not even the hotel he and his dad (and Pearl) had stayed at all those years ago was as big as this college. It was bigger than Little Homeschool, and that place had to be huge in order to fit in every Gem’s needs!
...And… it fit all of Connie’s needs, too.
He tried to ignore how awful it’ll feel in the future when she starts going to some college, and had no personal interest in asking Garnet how he’ll react.
Stars, he’s going to miss her. He’s going to miss her so much. He wondered if this is what the Diamonds felt like when he left to stay on Earth. He really hopes not, for everyone’s sake. The last thing he wants to do is become clingy to his girlfriend.
“But on the bright side! Connie and I have been officially dating as significant others for almost two months, and she says she’s always going to be there for me, so I believe her. I mean, she saved my life when I was basically dying, and… ohhhhh boy I’m not going to go into that now. That’s a whole bucket of worms to open and sort through at a later date."
He’s not quite sure when they began to fall in love. It may have been from the very moment they locked eyes (Lars, at the time, certainly seemed to think so), or perhaps it happened gradually, over time, as they became closer and closer. At least, it mostly seems to be the latter idea with how Steven fell for her, but he isn’t ruling out the former option just yet. He’s not certain how he really views her, whether it be as a romantic partner or a platonic partner.
Neither of them care. It doesn’t really matter what they call each other, because they love each other all the same.
“Speaking of basically dying, heh, the Diamonds have been pretty great these past few months, what with them not… smothering me all the time. And I’m glad they haven’t smothered Spinel too much, either. I don’t think they should become too reliant on each other, but so far they seem… really happy. I’m happy for them, too. They visited Little Homeworld a couple months ago, and Spinel really loved all the meep-morp stations. The Diamonds were a liiiiiiittle too big to walk around though, heh.”
He’s visited them a few times in the past few months. It was… difficult, to say the least, to talk to White after he yelled about how he just wanted to fix everything, how he was supposed to make things better, because that was what he was for, wasn’t it?
He hated the shocked yet horrified look on her face. It’s somehow even worse than the one she gave him after ripping his gem out, and that one is up there.
After a while, though, they were able to connect and he understood her a little bit more. She even apologized for removing his gem, which was… certainly good character development. Guess she can add “sorry” to saying “please” and “thank you” to everyone, even lower life forms, huh?
Blue and Yellow have been okay, too, if a little purposeless after not being in power anymore. (Boy, does he know that feeling.0 He hasn’t seen Blue cry once in months, and most Gems can actually talk to Yellow without cowering in fear. Also a start. Her large appearance is made slightly less terrifying due to the small, pink Gem who spends a good portion of her time on Yellow’s shoulder, he supposes.
He’s really proud of how happy Spinel seemed last time they talked to each other, which is a strange feeling, since she is over six-thousand years older than him. She’s really gotten along with Volleyball (and laughs every time she calls her that name), and a lot of Gems who remained on Homeworld really look like they enjoy her company. Heck, last time he saw her, she only mentioned Pink twice! Steven hopes she’s moved on. He hopes he will someday, too.
“Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis have loved working at Little Homeschool this past year, and honestly it’s great to see them more often since they’re so much closer. Lapis managed to save a few things from the barn, like some of her meep-morps! Bismuth doesn’t like Camp Pining Hearts as much as the others do, but she still likes seeing them get so excited about new seasons. Oh, and Peridot has learned even more about Earth culture! Let’s hope she doesn’t find out about memes, huh?”
The last time he saw the trio was a few days ago. It was… nice, talking to them after everything that happened. Bismuth was a really good sport about repairing the construction to Little Homeworld after the damage he caused, and he’s grateful for that.
Peridot and Lapis still have been pretty sad about Pumpkin, so much so that he almost wants to create a new sentient plant for them to hang around. But… considering what happened last time he tried that, it doesn’t seem like a good idea. They’ve so far busied themselves with making more meep-morps, talking about Camp Pining Hearts on Tweeter (when did Peridot get so many followers? He’s the savior of literally the entire universe, and yet he only has seventy-two), and teaching students about Earth.
One of the students happened to be Navy. That was… a very awkward reunion.
“Jasper and Curly - one of the Lapises who was terraforming what used to be a perfectly untouched planet - still haven’t joined Little Homeschool yet, which I’m kinda bummed about, but they seem happy doing their own thing. We even got Jasper to talk to a few of the Gems about channeling anger into expelling it out- well, that sort of thing. She hasn’t been so aggressive lately, and she’s a fun sparring partner to have!”
It’s not for lack of trying that she hasn’t joined the school yet; Steven’s been wanting her to at least try it ever since it was built. But she hasn’t, and he’s trying to learn to let that go. The part of him that wants to help, though, insists otherwise. If he can help her, then he should.
Maybe then he can be useful again.
No. Dad says he shouldn’t think like that anymore. He can’t. He doesn’t want to think that way anymore.
“Dad and the Gems have been… they’ve really been great. I just… they’re the ones who told me to go here, you know? Well, okay, it was mostly Dad, since Gems don’t really have this sort of stuff -though I can think of a few Gems who probably need it, but… you know what I mean. They really care about me, even though sometimes I probably don’t deserve it… But I really love them a lot. And I know they love me too. And I’m happy for that.”
And it’s true; they have been pretty great about all this, especially with everything that’s happened. Especially with everything that’s he’s done that’s probably his fault… They’ve been great at telling him that it’s not.
He thinks Dad still does love Rose despite everything she’s done, and to say Steven didn’t know how to react to that was an understatement. Of course, he wishes they didn’t have this conversation right before Steven accidentally crushed his van, but nonetheless they sort of talked it out. You know, eventually. Steg is still a fun fusion to form, even though he still misses the long hair.
Garnet has been enjoying “Yoga and Dance Class” (she’s not really good at names) with Freckles, and he’s even been to a few. Finding new corrupted Gems is always hard for him, especially with… recent events, but most really like doing yoga and jamming out to some tunes. Garnet even helped what used to be an Agate’s Pearl and a Lapis feel more comfortable regularly fusing.
Amethyst still regularly hangs out with Steven at places like Fish Stew Pizza and Funland, and a couple of the Famethysts started helping around at Funland, too. Even a few Rose Quartzes came around once in a while, and the meetings were certainly… awkward, to say the least, but were enjoyable nonetheless. She really looks like she feels at home with the other Quartzes, and even has warmed up to Jasper a little bit. She really is mature now, but they still act childish sometimes. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe. He’s still getting used to this whole it’s okay to have interests thing.
Pearl has talked to the other Pearls quite a few times; they really get along. One Pearl, a cream colored one, had even been part of the rebellion before she was corrupted and the “terrifying renegade” had been very excited to see her again. Volleyball goes to Little Homeschool a lot. She’s not enrolled there, but loves the cheerfulness of the place and seeing how happy the other Pearls (especially Blue and Yellow Pearl, who still haven’t gotten a nickname from Steven) are. She’s surprisingly good at art (maybe juggling had given her good and steady hands), but not quite as good as Blue Pearl. She doesn’t seem to mind at all.
Oh, yeah, and Pearl finally got a license. He doesn’t want to be in the backseat with her speeding and breaking the law ever again, even if it is for a cute girl she likes.
Steven’s gotten a lot better at driving lately. He almost turned pink just pulling up about half an hour ago due to all the traffic, but aside from road-rage, he’s alright. When he stepped out from the Dondai, he looked up and sighed.
He had to at least try and get better. For them. He’d do it for them.
And maybe one day, he’ll do it for himself, too.
“So, to answer your question, things have been… pretty good. A little stressful for sure, but the Gems and I have really started to understand each other and be on the same level. I’m really glad that they’re giving me my space while also being there when I need them. It’s… it’s really nice. It hurt to tell them about what White did while they were under her control, but they took it better than expected. I was so… scared to tell them that yeah, Mom’s gone, she’s been gone for eighteen years now. I thought they’d get angry at White for taking my Gem out, or… or me, for taking Rose away. But they weren’t. I guess they’d expected Mom to be gone for a while now?”
The room was getting smaller, and he tried to push on.
“But, yeah. I’m- well, I don’t think I’m okay right now, at least not yet. But I’m definitely better than I was before, and that’s a start, right?”
“That is a start.” His new therapist replied, checking the time for how long this session would be. Only six more minutes; they hoped that would be enough time to let the teen think about some things until next session, should he choose to attend. “I’m glad you’re not comparing how far you’ve grown with how far you should be. You’re already on the right track to becoming a healthier young adult. I do, however, hope you realize that I really have no idea who you’re talking about.”
Steven blushed, and they were happy to see that it seemed like a normal, human blush, a light pink across the cheeks instead of the neon glow they had heard about from the boy’s family. “Heh, that’s what Cherry said when I talked about what’s been going on since the Earth nearly died. Again. You should meet the Gems and humans; you’d probably like them. Plus, I’m pretty sure a lot of them need this sort of thing way more than I do…” His voice began to become quiet.
“What makes you say that?” They asked, clicking their pen absentmindedly. He was tapping his foot rather loudly, though, so they assumed he didn’t mind it.
“I just… I know I’m messed up, you know? But I should be better about it by now. Other people have been through way worse, and I’ve been able to fix them, so why can’t I fix myself?”
If they had glasses, they would be pulling them down in disappointment. “Are you alright with me slightly insulting you?” They asked.
“Can’t be worse than what I’ve heard.” Steven replied, a little playfully, before taking a sip of his water. “Bring it on.” “Okay.” They began. “You absolute moron.”
They really should have expected him to spit out his drink.
“I take back what I said about you not comparing yourself to where you should be; that is literally what you just did. Right now.” They sighed. “There is no set place to how you should feel. Based on what your father described to me in his call, you have been through things no one should ever go through, much less a child to young adult. You are perfectly valid in not feeling okay, and you shouldn’t have to have the full responsibility of ‘fixing’ yourself or others.”
“I know.” He said, looking away. “Just… everyone’s relied on me to help them, and to be there for them, and just… guide them through their problems for them. And suddenly everyone’s able to do that on their own and don’t need me anymore. And suddenly I’m the one who’s got problems but just… sometimes it still feels like there’s no one there.”
“I’m there,” they smiled. “And I’m sure your family is too. They wanted to help you by sending you to me, you know. I’m sure they care about you just as much as you care about them, and they want to help you if they’re getting you help.”
Steven was silent for the rest of the session.
“Here is my phone number, should you come back next week.” They said, handing him a business looking card.
“Okay.” Steven said, putting the card in his jacket’s pocket for safekeeping and opening the door. “See you later?”
They smiled. “See you later.”
Moments after the door shut with a soft click, they began immediately looking anything and everything they could about Gem history.
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The drive home is silent, music blasting in Steven’s ears so loudly he can’t think. He likes it that way. Personally, he doesn’t want to think about anything right now. He just wants to get home. It’s no Sadie Killer and the Suspects, but it’s good. It was written by the creator of Crying Breakfast Friends, too, so that’s probably the reason.
The house, now fully repaired after Cactus Steven’s rampage, is near silent, despite all three of the Gems looking at him. He goes to set the car keys on the counter, before sitting on the couch next to Garnet.
Amethyst is the first to speak. “Sooooo… how was it?”
He doesn’t really know what to say. Difficult? Emotionally taxing? He didn’t even do as much emotional talking that his therapist probably wanted him to, so he can’t say that one. Enlightening?
“...Sensible,” is what he chooses.
“Do you think you’ll go back sometime soon?” Pearl asks, worry thinly veiled in her voice. He looks up at her.
“...I think so. Yeah. Sometime in a few weeks.”
Immediately the Gems are crowding him, but he doesn’t quite feel suffocated. All three are saying nonsensical words of gratitude and love, and he loves them too.
Eventually, the talking dies down, and he is able to catch his breath a little bit. Garnet’s words are almost quiet, but he hears them with ease. “We’re so proud of you, Steven.”
A small, content smile half-tugs at the corners of his lips. “I know.”
And maybe one day, he can look back and be proud of himself, too.